Hi, Muhammah, I'm Dan, an addict in recovery. Welcome to the board and I hope you can find the answers you seek. First, let me say that you can find others who have been where you are at a Nar-anon meeting. They will be able to offer much more than I can and you can find a meeting at: www.nar-anon.org

Next, let me say that using addicts are in the grip of a disease. It is not a moral defiecency, and not that we don't love our families. We are sick people trying to get better. Addiction is typified by obsessive, compuslive behavior coupled with extreme self-centeredness. Obsession is that never ending stream of thoughts pertaining to getting and using and finding ways and means to get more drugs, even when we are destroying our lives. Even when we aren't using, we are often consumed by THOUGHTS of using. Compulsion kicks in with the first drug. After just one pill, fix, drink, blast, or whatever, we are unable to stop through the power of our own will, regardless of the consequences. No SANE person would do the things we do without even a second thought. The self-centeredness of addiction is apparent to anyone who has been involved with a using addict. Although, while using I didn't see myself as self-centered, my actions showed that the most important thing to me was always getting what I wanted, when I wanted it. Everything was about ME, all the time. As a friend describes it, I lived in Dan-ville, population: 1. When a relative of someone close to me died, my first thought was "How is this going to affect MY plans? What about what I was going to do this weekend?" and so forth.

There is both good news and bad news for you, Muhammah. The good news is that YOU can get help through the Nar-anon Program. You can learn how to deal with your own feelings of betrayal and abandonment, and find a way to get on with your own life. The bad news is that no one, living or dead can MAKE your spouse recover. It is something the addict has to want for themselves. Our literature says "An addict can be counseled, analyzed, reasoned with, prayed over, threatened, beaten, or locked up, but they will not stop until they want to stop." (paraphrase from our Third Tradition) The only way I know of for most of us to find this desire is for our lives to fall completely apart. We call this "hitting bottom." When the support of those we have used to enable us to continue getting high is finally removed and we are left completely alone, some of us become willing to do whatever is necessary to recover. Sadly, some of us NEVER find that willingness. We must each go through whatever we HAVE to go through in order to become willing. Good Luck, Muhammah, and thanks for your post. Please let us know how you are doing.

-- Edited by dan h at 00:22, 2008-09-16

-- Edited by dan h at 01:42, 2008-09-16

Dean,

I know what you are saying is true. However I, my wife, my family, we're going to beat them odds. Just so you know. I am not going to let my addiction ruin my life nor the innocent folks I love and who love me. Isn't going to happen.

It is also very much the case that addiction is not a choice in the framing that the original poster has proposed, "choose drugs over family", as has been pointed out. The hurt that the poster is feeling is in one way a making of the wrong setup. I can sit here and tell myself if my wife doesn't call me in the next 60 minutes than she doesn't love me. Then at 61 minutes and the phone has not rung, my heart is broken cause I proved to myself my wife didn't love me. Which of course is bogus and I did not prove such a thing. It very well could be she doesn't love me. But all I proved is she didn't comply with my setup. Gladly and mercifully she does love me by the way.

I think the suggestion for spouses to take advantage of help offered to them is a great idea if only to sort out the real hurt from the hurt spouses are causing themselves so that they can heal real hurt and toss the hurt that comes from a false setup.

Real world example from my rookie experience. My wife felt VERY badly that she did not know how much vicodin I was taking and how often. Did not know why I was taking. Felt responsible for both. I spent a great deal of time explaining to her that is not how this works. She didn't know cause I prevented her from knowing by playing my vicodin games. I manipulated her impression of me and her perception. I apologized for that and will continue to do so as we become aware of other areas in which I did the same thing. The hurt and shame she was feeling from what she was telling herself was her fault, vanished.   Her hurt was coming from a false set-up, a false framing of the thing.  And I didn't start out the conversation by telling her she was wrong about something.  I started out the conversation by telling her I was sorry, what I was sorry for and why.  And then together we connected the dots.

I'm not trying to be my wife's al-anon resource. But she needed to know her "set up" was the source of her hurt, not reality and her knowing the reality was also part of how she and I and I were going to get well. And I had a chance to apologize and start making amends.

I as others have encourage the original poster to find a spouse support group, al-anon, something.

Jim



-- Edited by imikens at 10:17, 2008-09-16

Hi Muhammah,

My ex had a drinking problem and I have a drug problem. When I looked into Al Anon I was surprised to see that co-dependents take the same 12 steps we do in their path to recovery.

If you can find an Narc Anon meeting it would be a GOOD idea to visit them and describe your family's problems. If you can't find one, try to visdit an Al Anon fellowship. There is a great amount of experience and hope waiting to help you.

Our first step is this; We are powerless over drugs and they have made our lives unmanageable.

Great shares from everyone who has posted on this thread.

Living with an addict is a very painful thing. Until the dynamics of the relationship can be objectivly looked at. the cycle of disppointments, pain and resentments will still continue.
I really encourge you to look into the groups mentioned above and find some like people who are living or have lived in situations very simular to your own.

When you start talking to people like you, the feelinga of being alone will start to disappear and then you will be able to make the decisions needed to help to promote a helathy family.

I thank every one for your heart felt words. I know I do need to go to a meeting to talk through what I have been through these last 20 some odd yrs. I never thoght that I would be in a situation like this with my husband, things were so great . I did notice something was wrong but I didnt quite know what, but I kept encouraging him and I thought I could help him out by fixing what he messed up,
What I found out was I was the bank the kept him going and I had to let him make his decision. When he walked out,two yrs ago, I felt confused,hurt,disappointed and a bunch of other things. Yet with the help of my god in heaven and the bloood of Jesus he has taught me that I can only account for myself.
I must go to a meeting to fix or rid myself of this emtinessand dislike of my husband.

I thank you so much for taking the time to write to me and to help me see what I didnt understand.
My God bless each and every one of you and give you the strenght that you need to suceed in your journey of life.