Welcome to the site and I hope that each of us can offer you some help.

First of all something you said in your writting " I found the only way to cope " that right there needs to stop, your done thinking on your own once you admitt powerlessness and unmanageability at that point when you come to NA you start using NA's way of thinking because looking at where our own thinking got us was a dead end and a hopeless escapade filled with sorrow and hopelessness.

The only thing thats saved me is changing the way I think and what I do in life,I've learned from NA just what I am supposed to be doing, when I STOP doing it vini's way things go quite well, yes indeed just about every aspect of my life goes well matter of fact.

Doing this program meant that I had to take on a belief that there was a power greater then me and greater then my addiction I turned my will and my life over to the power and it has restored my way of my thinking to a new way of thinking, except that which I choose to hang onto at times, and even then I know it's wrong and let it go ASAP.

Chapter one says;

Our addiction had enslaved us. We were prisoners of our own mind, condemned by our own guilt. We had given up ever stopping. Our attempts to stay clean had always failed, causing us pain and misery.

http://www.earthgroupna.org/literature/basictext/chapterone.htm

please read that chapter and the rest of most of the NA book is there also, read that literature know your enemy and know your savior even better because NA will give you a whole new way of dealing wit hyour enemy, that enemy is yourself.

I was and am my worst enemy you and I are no different its just that I and we have grabbed onto a new way of living, we let go of our old ways and found something that works but it takes a sincere desire, I hope you have that and will join us in recovery, we love you and want you here aomong us not out there where your at, please give yourself a chance and give yourself a break, your a teacher and its time for the teacher to learn again something knew.








-- Edited by BigV at 18:42, 2008-08-28

puppiesmyluv wrote:

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How do you guys stay motivated and not let the depression get the best of you?

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puppies,

once you get over the acute withdraw you have to get busy. some call it "rejoining the human race" I call it getting a life. I think that, as pratising addicts, we tend to issolate and live in our own altered fantasy world. If all we do is just take away the drugs then the fantasy goes away and we're left with just plan pathetic. I mean it was always pathetic we just altered our perception with the mood altering substances.

It's said that, as addicts, we walk around with a hole in our soul trying to fill it up. That hole is a lack of love. Love gives me that warm and fuzzy feeling, and so do drugs. That's why, in my opinion, that we take to them so readily and develop a love relationship with them.  So when we put drugs down we have go about changing our mind about a lot of things.  Letting go of old ideas and picking up new ones.  John Bradshaw's (author of "on the family", and "healing the shame that you binds you") deffinition of addiction-

"A pathalogical relationship (Love to/Have to), to a mood altering substance or event, that has life damaging consequences.

Ending a relationship to our drugs of choice is not a lot different to ending any other relationship. We are going to morn the loss and go through the stages of denial, anger, greif.... and come out the other side stronger.

as for your question, It's a lot easier to stay clean then it is to get clean. Right now you just need to worry about setting the goal to be clean, one day at a time, for the rest of your life and follow through with it.

 

-- Edited by DeanC at 21:49, 2008-08-28

AH GOOD glad you came back to check your thread puppieluv.


There were times when I would lay in bed curled up for several days at a time its all coming back to me now that lasted for several years probably close to 3, the depression lessoned as years went by but I sure created a lot of things to get depressed about even in recovery, so I TRY not to create those things from happening anymore and try hard to accept whats I have in front of me.

I don't really explain things well, others here are better at describing the journey then I.

Dean and itsgolden are going a nice job here detailing things out and giving you an idea of things you can do to make some changes in how you feel . I know this for a fact and our books says it, "WE USE BECAUSE OF HOW WE FEEL" something close to the effect and that for me is so so so true.

I work out since about 30 days into my last recovery I go to the gym I would go to the gym and feel so so depressed and bad about myself but I gave myself a 3 year commitment to the gym and better health and the day my contract was up with the gym I rejoined for another 3 years I am now going on 7 years with that gym.

Well of course that got out of control and I mismanaged that also LOL I would go for weeks on end without a day to recover in between, I used steroids to get muscular cheating my way into better health and ended up causing physical and mental problems by using them. It took me up until last year to change all of that. I now go twice a week mostly because of damage incurred lifting heavy weights and the realization that the steroids were much more harm then good, so I cut back all of it and illiminated what needed to go, BUT the gym and working out did help with my self esteem issues, depression issues and commitment issues that I lacked in my life, all in all it made me a better person I think.

I also take 1 supplement that helps with my depression, Magnesium 500mg when I need to maybe 1-2 times a month it calms my head down and quiets things a bit just enough that I dont end up reacting to the depression.

Bottom line though is YOU HAVE TO WANT TO STROP USING SO BAD THAT NOTHING IS A GOOD EXCUSE TO USE, NOTHING AT ALL it has to get so bad sometimes for some of us and we have to hit a very hard bottom and for some of us that means near death, homless, maybe even suicidal, total and absolute hopelessness and dispair, a total physical mental emotional and spiritual bottom.

I always hope that it doesn't take for others what it took for me, I was locked up for many years basically becoming institutionalized, my health with Hepatitis C  was nearly  killing off my liver and pancreas I was extremely ill and near death, my family had abandoned me and I was alsmost homeless once again and on the streets, I had literally nothing in my apartment but a broken down bed and a stolen TV....jobless, pennyless and very much hopeless.

I was just about ready to accept death as a way out, many times thought of suicide but I liked getting high to much LOL, but the thoughts were there.


Just grab your boot straps and I mean seriously imagine some boots being on your feet cause you have a lot of shit to wade thru, brush yourself off and get down on them knees and ask for help this is a good start asking for help here but you must do much more, make meetings, get a sponsor start reading, go to a lot of meetings and get a support group out there, and get a higher power thats greater then your addiction and lay yourself at the feet of that higher power and remain vigilant against this addiction you have by working this program.

We love you and want to see you succeed.

puppiesmyluv wrote:

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 My boyfriend of 6 years uses occasionally but is nowere near as addicted as I am. He thinks I am weak and foolish. How do you put aside other's feelings about your issues to focus on bettering yourself? Should Inot be with my boyfriend if he can't be supportive? Am I making sense?

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You know after being clean and sober awhile, it's very hard to imagine any good reason to be around someone that uses drugs at all.  IMO this is also sound thinking for anyone trying to get clean as well.  Add to that, He doesn't take your disease seiously, can only mean 1 thing, that he doesn't think that you should stop using.   So with that said, how could being around or in a relationship with someone like that be beneficial to your recovery?  If we want to be clean, we have to place our recovery before everything else, constantly evaluating everything in this context:  "Does this person, place, or thing  put me closer to or further away from from my goal of staying clean for the rest of my life (one day at a time)?".  This is how successful people make critical decisions about priorities.  Sounds sterile and boring but it works. 

I had to stay away from my family or origin as much as possible in early recovery because I usually came away with a lot of shame from being around them.  I was trying to change and become a different person and being around family seemed to nulify those efforts.  It was too new and my tendencies were to  revert to my old self and play into my family system role.  Complicated stuff, so I took a page out of Acoa and "divorced my parents" for awhile and it worked. 

 

Well, I woke up this morning feeling like hell, and realized I was out of vicodin.  So, I thought I am not going to call my doctor and beg for more.  I went to the store and bought a multivitamin and a Super B complex and began a new journey.  I don't feel good, and I have no motivation.  I want to do things today, but I am just sitting here not moving.  Is this more than a physical addiction?

puppiesmyluv wrote:

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Well, I woke up this morning feeling like hell, and realized I was out of vicodin.  So, I thought I am not going to call my doctor and beg for more.  I went to the store and bought a multivitamin and a Super B complex and began a new journey.  I don't feel good, and I have no motivation.  I want to do things today, but I am just sitting here not moving.  Is this more than a physical addiction?

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Addictions can be several "types" (including physical & emotional).  But, of course, your body can very easily be physically dependent.

I'm also hooked on Vicodin.  But, no matter what you use, the important thing is to just NOT use.

At one of my first few meetings, someone told me something that has always stuck with me - "If you don't take that first one, you won't need to worry about that last one."  Addicts tend to think that it's the LAST pill that's the "problem."  It's not.  You take that last pill & don't have anymore and then you feel crappy, depressed, etc, and try to think of ways to possibly get more.  A lot of addicts believe THAT'S when they're at the "worst" of their problem.  But the problem really lies at that FIRST pill (or first use).  If you don't pick up that first pill, you won't need to worry about that last pill.  And you'll no longer be giving in to that vicious cycle.

No matter what your drug of choice is, don't use - just for today (or for the next 5 minutes if "today" seems too long).  When you don't give in to those cravings & temptations by resorting to using, you won't need to worry about "now what" later on - when you have no more to use.  Just remember it's the FIRST one that leads to the LAST one.  If you don't use that FIRST one, you won't have the PROBLEM of that LAST one.

I know this is much easier said than done.  Also give yourself a break & take it easy... Since you didn't become addicted in one day, you're not gonna be free of the addiction in one day either.

I hope that made some sense!

~Kris