I know this might sound like a silly question, but why is it that when I use I feel guilty the next day, but when my baby's father- who has had many upheavals as a result of drugs- uses he does not feel the same guilt?
I can't quote the Basic Text or anything (the book Narcotics Anonymous members use to learn from...), but it says something to the idea that we were affected sharply by the drug use, and things like our ability to love and our conscious were reduced to the animal level, while that may seem extreme, many of us find it to be true (like I said, not a direct quote, but the idea is there)...
For me personally, I never felt guilty over using until I realized that it wasn't a "good" (read normal/moral/right) thing to be doing. Once I felt it wasn't "right" for me to use, then I felt guilty about it. I don't pretend to know, but based on how I've felt, I'd say it's just because you view using differently than he does. He doesn't see the harm in it, but you do.
Very valid question though...there's really no way to tell since guilt is such an internal thing. He may feel guilty and just not show it or express it. I think on some level everyone can feel the sense of "wrongness" that drugs give us. Even when I was still having fun using dope I knew it was wrong and didn't want to get caught. When I did get caught, I didn't feel as badly for doing it as much as I felt badly for getting caught at doing it.
Drugs just had affected that conscious of mine so much I didn't know what I felt when I did actually have a feeling strong enough to overpower the dope. Still hard for me to dicipher my feelings and pinpoint what they are. That's just my two cents.
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"We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars." ~Oscar Wilde~
Hmmm, I don't feel guilty after I use, either. I do not have any kids, however....I most likely WOULD feel cruddy after indulging if I had kids (I'd know I'd put the high over the kids). Has he shown a feeling of guilt over anything a normal person would feel guilt over??? I'm a card-carrying asshole most of the time; perhaps he is, too
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I think people are full of guile.....I enjoy that.
Early in my using I didn't have a drug problem, I had a money problem (never enough) then I had a time problem (not enough for using AND work) then I had a police problem ( if they'd just leave me alone) only when I was ready did I ask myself, "Could it be the drugs?" Denial is such a huge aspect of the disease that many of us are clean quite awhile before we can see how deep it ran. Denial is the part that tells me stuff like:"it's not THAT bad." and "this time will be different." Denial will have me sleeping under a bridge and saying "But it's in a nice neighborhood!" Until my denial was penetrated, I didn't even believe I had a problem, so why would I need help? That's why only "Once we identify ourselves as addicts, help becomes possible." (BT pg. 7) Be grateful that you do feel guilty. Awareness is the first step toward the solution. Recovery is an intensely personal journey, so keep seeking, keep asking questions, keep searching for what is right for you. The goal is not a destinaton, it's the journey. The greatest journey in life begins with the First Step and Recovery is learning to enjoy the trip. Blessings, Dan H.
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"With a sweet tongue of kindness, you can drag an elephant by a hair." ~Persian Proverb
I know this might sound like a silly question, but why is it that when I use I feel guilty the next day, but when my baby's father- who has had many upheavals as a result of drugs- uses he does not feel the same guilt?
Codependent,
don't compare your feelings inside to someone else's outsides. Codependents tend to "wear their heart of their sleeve", so they think that everyone else does to and the fact is they don't. We get in trouble with us and them when we try and get inside others heads and assume that we know what they are feeling. It gives us the illusion that we can control them.
there are answers to this question in your other thread notably that you are still primarily focusing on your significant other when you could be using that energy to work on your own stuff, but that's what codependents do. I know from experience .
Asking why you feel guilty while you perceive that someone else does not, is an indication of denial. Our brain is always looking for "normal". We want to fit in everywhere that we go by replication of others behavior. We will become who we associate with. If you associate with people who are working to get clean and sober so shall you, if you're hanging out with practising addicts...how do they say: "when you lie down with dogs, you get up with fleas".
i think its just because we are all different. physically , emotionally and spiritually..that does not make us unique. its our differences that make us all alike. sort of a chaos theory. if something is in complete disarray then there is some order to it. My ex never ever felt guilt even to this day. while i felt guilty to the point of depression even over things that were not in my control. why ? who knows its just because we are different.
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" If you have built castles in the air , your work need not be lost ; that is where they should be . Now put the foundations under them . "
Just because a person says they don't feel guilt, doesn't mean that they don't.
I am on day four of stopping Vicodin. Here's what was the slap in the face for me. As my wife and I were fallen asleep on Saturday night I said to her that she is a great wife. She said, "Are you joking with me?". Which shocked me. Why would I joke about that kind of thing? So I asked her what did she mean and why in the world would I joke about that, she is a great wife. And she said its because its been such a long time that I said that kind of thing to her so clearly. That's when it dawned on me I wasn't doing as god a job of being a husband as I thought I had been. The Vicodin was allowing me to think I was doing a better job than I was and my wife way deserves knowing she is a great wife. That's when the guilt hit me. So can I say that each time I took a Vicodin I felt guilty? No. Was I eventually overwhelmed by the guilt that I deserve? YOU BET.
Even at that you do know guilt doesn't work to change behavior I hope. Guilt is no indication of a person's commitment to change. Already learned that today for the detox pscych doctor. We talked about change and if I was serious or not. One of the things we talked about is how "guilt" is no indicator of change.
Not to sound like I am somewhow an expert. I am not. Just passing along what I learned today.
Well said DeanC, It took me a long time to realize that the only person I could be responsible for was myself. I have learned that most of the time I do not have any power over me.
When I started to stop obsessing the how or why other people acted in the ways that they chose it made my burden a lot lighter. In fact, I spent so much time obsessing about my Ex's addictions that I had no clue what was going on in my own back yard. Talk about denial.
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Yes, I bought a ticket on the crazy train.....Good thing it was a return ticket.
There have been lenghty amounts of time when I have not felt guilty about my using, and I realize today that it was so because I had numbed my guilt through using and more using... I lost touch with my feelings. Moreover, I was in total control of my denial, that important part of my disease that tries its best to always protect me from seeing the reality of my using...
After a few stays at rehab centres, and frequenting NA meetings forawhile, when I picked up again, the first thing that hit me after the initial high was a painful and miserable feeling of guilt. I realized through having to use with this unbearable guilt for a few days that I cannot no more recapture the comfort of the yesteryears. I was more informed now. I was aware of what's happening to me. I knew very well I was powerless, and trying to exert power over which I'm powerless can only take me in a downward spiral, that I will perish soon if I continue to use...
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"If we do an honest examination of exactly what we are giving, we are better able to evaluate the results we are getting."Chapter 10 - Emotional Pain - NA Way of Life.
I never feel guilty......I used to live and lived to use as they say.
When I smoked,sniffed,popped or sniffed...I did it to cover up my pain of childhood. A pain that was placed on me...not something I choose it choose me.
Once I did my therapy and choose a new way of life I am proud I survived.
Guilt and Shame have no place in my life, neither do toxic people places or things...
Yup, my Counselor at the rehab also told me the same once after I had just relapsed, I remember her saying - "don't ever feel guilty no matter what, because as soon as you do, you have taken the bait, and you will feel more stuck in the problem."
Today, as a result of what the Steps make possible in my daily life if I choose to apply them, I simply observe, acknowledge and own my part, whatever it is, but in a detached way and without judging or moralizing with myself. This way, by accepting the entire part of me as it is, I get the strength I need from my Higher Power to do something about those parts of me that are disadvantageous for me and my life...
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"If we do an honest examination of exactly what we are giving, we are better able to evaluate the results we are getting."Chapter 10 - Emotional Pain - NA Way of Life.
Part of me is psychopathic thats one of my charecter flaws but it was also a survival tool I didn't want anything interupting my getting loaded and enjoying my high.
Now when my conscience bothers me I know I need to exam it closely ( inventory ) and see whats bothering me and why and how I can possibly change whats going on or maybe simply accept the situation.
Guilt and shame are motivators for change, we dont need to feel bad about ourselves if we dont create more junk
