hi family. ive run into a situation that ive let piss me off now all night. im really torn about my options and because i dont yet have a sponser im going to bounce it off the room. i was in a meeting there was a newcomer there that was completly fighting anything that was said. over an hour was spent trying to convince this person that they should get clean. i admit im not the most patient person. and finally i spoke up. my statement was to the effect that in NA it is not our responsibility to convince people they should get off dope. that if this newcomer wanted to fight everything that was said to her then maybe she just wasent ready yet to be clean. and true to my old asshole self.i even suggested she might want to get back out on the street and try it some more.. i completely stepped into a s**tstorm.i felt i was attacked by other members one of which had 21 years clean. and was quick to point out i had only 71 days. i felt i was right, so why does it bother me so much ? these feeling are old anthony, using anthony, wasted anthony.. i know i need to take this chance to step into something unknown..im right or am i ? if im right it sure dont feel good. this is an opportunity given to me by my higher power..a chance to start being who ive never been..but its hard. my mind knows what i should do.swallow that pride ,apoligize to this member, but my heart says f**k them i was right, they should tell me they are sorry. i feel like this is a test, and im blowing it. any suggestions..and no funny comments about spell check please. anthonyg
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" If you have built castles in the air , your work need not be lost ; that is where they should be . Now put the foundations under them . "
I'm sorry that you expressed yourself in an NA situation and were attacked for it. That is absolutely not what NA is about. We are about compassion and acceptance.
It seems that in this situation there is no right and wrong in the way you think there is. You honestly expressed your beliefs and why shouldn't you? NA is a diverse group of people who have different perspectives and different ways of expressing those perspectives. It is important to honor that and to understand that each person adds his or her own piece and together we create a powerful mosaic of experiences.
It is disappointing, of course, that a person with a significant amount of clean time has not yet learned that, but we all recover at our own pace. It is always horrifying to hear of a group attacking an individual. People sometimes forget that we are all fighting for our lives here and we can't afford to attack or otherwise alienate another member, for when we do, we quite literally put that life at risk.
I hope you can find it within to forgive these persons. You deserve to be respected and to freely voice your thoughts.
I'm sorry again that you had this experience. It just goes to show what I learned from a similar experience still holds true: The program is perfect. The fellowship is not.
Just because someone has years clean doesn't mean that it's quality recovery , I had over 5 years and I was an absolute jurk at least the last 3 years of that time..
YOu have to learn and practice at letting things go and not letting it nest on your head, I still struggle with resentments got one today as a matter of fact, damn near went off on a friend but I stopped myself by putting myself in his shoes and I understand where he's coming from. No I didn't like how he went off on me and no I didn't have it coming but it was HIS frustration all i was was a victim and I dont do well with being a victim I will strike back like a bolt of lightening and hit before someone even see's me coming BUT I'm trying to change all that today.
I step away, catch my breathe and breath in and out, think the thing over I try not to react but rather respond, sometimes that takes time, 24 hours 3 days a week whatever I dont do anything until I have cooled down and have said some prayers even meditated on things.
Dig down deep and find the source of pain Anthony, what area in you did this hit? ego? pride? fear? these are questions we ask ourselves to seek out who we are, this is how we find ourselves through these situation.
Old timers in AA have been using that approach "maybe you're not ready yet, go out and try some more controlled drinking" since the beginning, heck it's IN the big book, but imo it's not really productive and that person might not make it back from such and outing. The thing is that they came to the meeting which means that a part of them wants to get clean, that's the person that we want to appeal to, not the rebelious other half that could take a comment like that and not come back ("I'll show them..."). You were probably a little hard on the person and now you're being hard on yourself and the group. let it go, it was only a meeting. God willing you'll be in 10,000 more of them.
Lastly, this program is for people that want it, not for people that need it. "some of us will die...". Imo you can't get anyone clean and you can't make them use. It's flawed thinking to believe that something that we can do or say will make someone else act in a certain manner. The ones that want to get clean, you couldn't keep them out of the meetings if you put bars on the windows and doors, they would find a way in. They are going to make it and you can't stop them. They are the 1 in 20 who will "get it". Concentrate on being the "They"
ok guys , you've given me a plan of attack and i will work your suggestions.. forgiveness on my part is key. so its put to bed for me personally. i was able to step away before it got completely wild. so i'm going to take that as a small victory. I'm also taking an understanding that addicts no matter how long they are clean struggle day to day just like normies. and so i need to work on my understanding of that and make it a more normal part of my thinking. so I'm left with, what caused me to snap ? there was pride definitely involved. maybe some ego. but mostly it was fear i think..fear that the newcomer involved could have been me. had i been able to so easily manipulate the addicts that helped me through those first days clean, it would not have been possible to get through the first 2 months. that's scary..so thank you for your input guys . i know this is an opportunity for me to grow. am I'm actually feeling pretty good about it now. .. just for today i will take every opportunity whether good or bad as a chance to live my life the way it was meant to be lived.
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" If you have built castles in the air , your work need not be lost ; that is where they should be . Now put the foundations under them . "
ok guys , you've given me a plan of attack and i will work your suggestions.. forgiveness on my part is key. so its put to bed for me personally. i was able to step away before it got completely wild. so i'm going to take that as a small victory. I'm also taking an understanding that addicts no matter how long they are clean struggle day to day just like normies. and so i need to work on my understanding of that and make it a more normal part of my thinking. so I'm left with, what caused me to snap ? there was pride definitely involved. maybe some ego. but mostly it was fear i think..fear that the newcomer involved could have been me. had i been able to so easily manipulate the addicts that helped me through those first days clean, it would not have been possible to get through the first 2 months. that's scary..so thank you for your input guys . i know this is an opportunity for me to grow. am I'm actually feeling pretty good about it now. .. just for today i will take every opportunity whether good or bad as a chance to live my life the way it was meant to be lived.
GREAT ATTITUDE Anthony it isn't easy but nothing good comes easy.
When our attitude changes the way react to things change too , we make our own discomfort and set ourselves up to getting high again or at minumum being miserable and DRY, those are just a few of my own thoughts.
Being a winner isn't always how things are going to turn out sometimes we have to face glaring ugly defects in our charecter, bone chilling crap that we think will never change but I swear to you they can and do change , sometimes just 1 degree at a time.
i know this is an opportunity for me to grow. am I'm actually feeling pretty good about it now. .. just for today i will take every opportunity whether good or bad as a chance to live my life the way it was meant to be lived.
Hey!! Cindy and I'm an addict. The last thing we should eer suggest is to go back out. We carry a message not the addict. They will get us high before we can get them clean. Pray for that person. A moment of silence for the still suffering addict brought me in 5 years ago and I've never looked back. These are the people that keep me clean. Seeing misery up close in meetings keeps me from relapsing. Hug that person and tell them to keep coming back. Someday it will click if it's suppose to.
Hi Mr. W-Thanks for your kind comments on my whiteboard. The dilemma you faced is a tough one. I met someone in another chatroom once who was trying to convince a newcomer that she was an addict. I PM'd him (he was a moderator) and inquired about this "tactic." He called it "spitting in their soup." I guess someone deep in denial could be shocked into reality this way, but I prefer to go by what the literature says. "...we share experience, strength, and hope instead of preaching and judging." and "...we try not to do or say anything that will give them the excuse to continue using." It is repeated over and over that we offer what we have learned about living without drugs to anyone who ASKS for help. From step one, "Now the question is, if we are powerless, how can Narcotics Anonymous help? We begin by ASKING for help." (my capitalization) to step twelve, "Most of us learn that we can only carry our message to someone who is asking for help." on to "What Can I Do?" -"We strengthen our recovery when we share it with others who ASK for help." (my caps) and even "Recovery and Relapse" says "..and have insight and useful suggestions to offer when ASKED." (my caps) I think it is well summed up in the following..."Sometimes the only message necessary to make the suffering addict reach out is the power of example. An addict may be suffering but unwilling to ask for help. We can make ourselves available to these people, so when they ask, someone will be there." (Step 12) I agree with the above comment that no one should be verbally attacked in an NA meeting, under any circumstances. Im my area it is considered very rude and in poor taste to even speak directly to another member(cross talk) during the meeting. In order to maintain the atmosphere of recovery, we direct our remarks to the entire group, not one individual. No one, especially a newcomer, wants to be "put on the spot" and be made the center of attention. It should always be about attraction, not promotion. One addicts viewpoint, only, thanks for letting me share. Dan H.
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"With a sweet tongue of kindness, you can drag an elephant by a hair." ~Persian Proverb
