"We could not live and enjoy life as other people do. We had to have something different and we thought we had found it in drugs." (BT Pg. 13)
It seems like my whole life has been a never ending search for "something different." Maybe it's because there always seemed to be something missing from my life, some emptiness that needed to be filled. Maybe it's because I've always felt different, never really fitting in anywhere. Or maybe I just wanted to be different, you know, that attention seeking behavior. As I read the above lines from the Text recently and pondered these questions, I realized how many times in the past I "thought" I had found that "something different." When I was a teen I "thought" I had found it in social acceptability. But then, I still felt like an outsider, even when surrounded by my closest friends. Then I "thought" I had found it in marriage and family life... until my marriage disintegrated. I "thought" I had found it in religion and quickly become a fervent church-goer, but soon grew weary of the demands of a Christian life. Next I "thought" I had found it in career and financial success, but that too, failed to satisfy. And finally, I "thought" I had found it in drugs. When I was high I seemed to fit in anywhere. When I was high I didn't care so much about things like family, God, or careers. Everything was better when I used...for a while. Then what I "thought" was the solution to all my problems became the biggest problem of all. When I came to NA I'm not sure what I expected, but I certainly never expected what I got. Our Text talks about how at first our using "seemed to be social, or at least controllable," but that "...we had little indication of the disaster that the future held for us." In this same way, when I came to NA, I didn't have an inkling of the spiritual journey I was about to embark upon. I wasn't even sure that I wanted to stop using; I just wanted to stop while I still had some money left. What I got, when I was finally able to find that place of surrender, was so much more than I ever expected. What I got was that "something different" that I had been looking for my whole life. I found a sense of belonging, a place where I finally really did "fit in," a place where I would be fully accepted, not in spite of who I was, but because of who I was. I found a sense of purpose and direction, something that I felt passionate about- carrying our message to the still suffering addict. Most importantly, I found a vibrant new relationship with a Higher Power that is vital and growing and that completely satisfies, and that makes it possible for me to have peace in the midst of life's storms. I'll admit there have been times when I wondered if NA was going to be just one more stop along the way, one more thing that would ultimately disappoint and leave me floundering around again. But each day that goes by I feel my faith and trust growing, I feel more enthusiastic, more excited abut this thing called Recovery, and more confident that I have finally found that "something different" that I've been looking for my whole life. Everything that using drugs promised me, Recovery has delivered!! And they say "More will be revealed," so I'll keep coming back.
-- Edited by dan h at 02:14, 2008-08-14
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"With a sweet tongue of kindness, you can drag an elephant by a hair." ~Persian Proverb
