The past year my life has been though hell. All I get for it is that I dont believe it, that you are lying to me, or I cant trust you.
OK IM LAYING DOWN THE TRUTH RIGHT HERE AND NOW.
First of all for everyone. My name is JAYSON COLE DAVIDSON. Named after the Friday 13th charter Jason and my mother Jay (god bless her soul Ill miss you). Im a addict but been clean for a year. Im 23 and I have a older sister(but we wouldnt go there), a twin Jasemaine(but we wouldnt go there either), and my little sister Krista.
I was in a relationship for years to Kay until she dead giving birth to my children. My one son dead that day. Later I found out that it was both kids. I still dont know if that is true or if my sister is trying to pull the wool over my eyes. Anyway I was also in a relationship for 10 years to this guy. I think it was because I got my drugs free and at that time that is all I cared about.
About three years ago I fell in love with a woman and I hurt during that time. I know this and everything Is my fault. I will not ever say it isnt my fault.
I have been though a lot in three years. I have had lung cancerand lost one lung, I had a bone marrow transplant, and brain surgery during that time I want into a coma, andhad a stroke.Then later (I dont know why) but my family feaked my death and told people that I loved that I was gone. I didnt know anything about it(but people dont believe that). Will on july 6, 2007 I want into rehab and been clean for a year. But what do I have to show for it not I damn thing. I have been sick many of times with cancer. I have brain and throat cancer my family dont know about it until they read this. If they even do. I know action speaks loader then words and right now I my actions that happens hurts someone or everyone in my life. Even though most of the action I had nothing to do with( but who gives a rats ass) I lie about everything anyway nobody believes me. So why do I give a fuck. Because I love them. But they dont believe that either. Oh will what else is new. Some of it I understand but why dont they even try to believe me when Im trying to make amends for my mistakes. I dont know what to do maybe someone can give me advice.
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one minute at a time it works when you don't give up
First off kudos for surviving all that stuff. It sounds like you're mystified by the situation that you are in. I think that a common misconception is that there is something wrong with us and that our family is "OK". This is a family disease and quite often the family members are sicker than we are. Not that that should be our focus, but we have to realize that when it comes to our recovery, a lot of times, our family are not our friends. At the very least they represent triggers to us and, more often than not, a source of abuse. When this is the case, we need to distance ourselves from them for awhile, put the focus on ourselves and our recovery, and work the program in order to bring about a change in us so that we no longer feel uncomfortable in our own skin, thus removing the reasons for self destruction. Although this program is "one day at a time", we can't expect our world to turn around in a year. I look back to when I had 3 years (16 years ago) and think about how nuts I was. Still pretty immature, making poor decisions, having a largely negative atitude, and owning a lot of fear. It takes time my friend. Right now your disease is sending you messages about how it was better when you were using. It's time hunker down, be greatful for your life and accept yourself for who you are and where you are today, with a plan going foward that includes working the program every day. I don't know how many meetings that you're going to, but for example, I didn't miss a meeting (daily) for the first 3.5 years.
Takes time for others to forgive and trust us just can't expect to much from them be the best son dad brother uncle etc that you can be and give it time, and be understanding.
Don't look or make up excuses to destroy what you've done in this last year Jayson, PAT YOURSELF ON THE BACK and thank your higher power for helping you get what you've got, your a miracle brother .
"If we do an honest examination of exactly what we are giving, we are better able to evaluate the results we are getting."Chapter 10 - Emotional Pain - NA Way of Life.
thank you i just found out that i have brain cancer and because of me been sick all the time from chemo they stopped it all together. i just hope that it still helps me.
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one minute at a time it works when you don't give up
