part of my illness? is it the selfish side of me? thinking only of me me me?
I relapsed on anger ( not drugs or booze ) again the other day total melt down long story behind it but it was about fear and feeling less then important.
im looking at all the posts you ve submitted vin and im thinking , damn this guy really wants to give back. and im really wanting to take what you got. after all im an addict , if you got something i want bad enough i will figure out a way to get it from you. Anger is a normal human emotion. your not a monk your an addict.your not searching for nirvana , your searching for recovery.im thinking its going to be sweet to be angry over the right thing or even over the wrong thing , if im feeling it and im clean,then maybe its not all me.maybe ive got reason to be angry.im not as clean as you,and even though im a professional addict im a rank amatur at being clean.so i wouldnt dare give you advice..but i am a human being.and i get sad and i get happy and sometimes i get angry.cut yourself some slack man.you got pissed off.ok no big deal .keep working .progress not perfection . anthony
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" If you have built castles in the air , your work need not be lost ; that is where they should be . Now put the foundations under them . "
Your right Anthony I am real hard on myself and just as hard on others I need to lighten up.
Thanks for the props, what I got I earned brother this is work in progress program, day in day out minute to minute. I spent many years being that addict and doing what we do best self serve, have to think of others now and i'm just not used to that hell i'm not used to feeling much at all but negative crap occasionally I will feel something deep and I get scared, like love and compassion I am afraid to even let myself care about things for fear of losing them, even family even a girl who loves me a great deal.
I could explain why I got mad and hurt and afraid I have good reason to but my reaction was wrong and thats what i need to work on , no matter what I am feeling I have to watch how I react same with staying clean, no matter what happens the bottom line is my reaction to it, thats why I callled it a relapse though it was one of emotions.
Theres a lot to be gained her I wouldn't keep coming back for the last 20 months or so if I didn't get something from everyone around here and yes it is all about giving back what we gotten, I do what i can in real life I have guys out here that I run across all the time that need help and I try to be there for them, 2 will be working with me this weekend on a job so we'll be side by side talking program
Hang in there Bro appreciate you reading and sharing
I can identify that feeling of hoplessness Vin,, when we get mad at someone or something. The weirdest thing is later realizing it was for a petty "@#$%^ thing... Thats the mystery Ive never yet solved,, why it happens again and again... Sunday I blew my top at Ma,,, i fely very bad about it later cause it was me being an idiot. I was being a totally false character picking on that poor old lady like that !! Thanks God it passed fast and this day,, wednesday I feel lots and lots of compassion for my mother !! In fact I never want to do that again,,, just for today !!Ill simpkly have to improve communication skills !! Then this day im on the other side of rage= grief. My long distance GF didnt answer the calls and sms yesterday and I knew trouble was brewing. So this day I get a mail from her saying its over ... im devastated,, hoping God will intervene !!!!
-- Edited by Raman at 18:11, 2008-06-11
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Raman an addict clean and serene just for today in NA Worldwide ; live to love and love to live the NA Way !!!
I also struggle with outbursts of uncontrollable rage. When I get to that point, I am a danger to myself and others. I mean that quite literally.
I do not have any control or choice once I reach that point.
My goal, then, is to not get to the point of rage.
Not always easy, but I'm learning.
Mostly, I watch for triggers and avoid them. That might not be the most "recovery" answer, but so far it's the best I can do.
In my relationship, I am able to talk about the things the set me off and my husband, for the most part, understands and opts to not push those buttons. I return the favor by not pushing his.
In life, I monitor my feelings in various situations and relationships. I can not and do not spend time with people or in places that make me sick.
For example, my husband and I spent some time on Saturday with a couple we had just met. I was clearly not myself by the end of it. I was very upset emotionally and spiritually. It took me a day or two to feel better. I did not care for the woman of the couple, but is that what upset me? Or was I perhaps overly tired? I'm not sure at this time. I will most certainly pay close attention the next time I spend time with that woman to see if I have the same reaction. If I do, then I will determine that it is her and I will decide to either talk to her about her offensive behaviors or make a decision that it's not worth it and move on. I will absolutely do one or the other. If I don't, I"ll be in BIG trouble.
I've also learned over time what triggers my rage, which I will be happy to discuss with you in private if you wish.
I guess we continue to take the 10th step, things will get better if there not then maybe we're not working that step enough?
Our online meeting was on this step tonight I was greatful to be able to share and hear others share , good meeting!!!!
Triggers and identifying thoughs and knowing when they come up and not reacting to them is learned changing our creature of habits is hard to do it just take vigilance and work, i'm kinda lazy LOL so I forget or just say heck with it " I'm going with this feeling" then regret it later.
I am sorry Raman I also went threw a long distance relationship I got to see the girl 4 times in 2 years i guess thats something and you must be so frustrated , but let me say this you have had an experience that later you will appreciate , you will find somethings beneficial to your growth and I know how hard it is to endure so long with a dream, hope and wish's and have them CRASH down upon you, I relapsed over those feelings please dont do the same Brother.
Blithe you can email me threw the board anytime I would like to hear more I appreciate your sharing here you have quality recovery and thanks so much for helping all of us.
No Vin,, I know for certain that Just For Today I never have to use again ,,,,no matter what !!! thank God ive learnt to be spiritual,,, which means practical. Ive gotten into this habit of sharing feelings and incidents which keeps me serene and sane. My love and I made up last nite itself. The ties that bind us are stronger than those that would tear us apart ! So were discussing what is suspicious behaviour. What triggers doubt in her is something I dont want to do anymore ! In fact im to blame for this last incident. We had something going together after an agreement on the same ,, but i forgot and did something on my own which upset her. Now were closer cause weve let our love be greater than that crisis,,, and Thank God for my clear,clean conscience !! I love her way too much ,, and as she said last nite "i know you knew that i love you way too much for it to break up like this " Yes Im learning a lot from my darling,, and also eager to meet her in the near future,,, which desire is indeed is coming true.; the Gods have worked overtime to facilitate our imminent Union,, so illl not be the one to do any mischief and spoil it. At this stage,,whatever other front I may put up or proclaim anything to the contrary,, I cannot imagine what Id do without her Immense Love and Infinite Support !!! Just for today I know I have nothing to fear,,, cause I have NA to share in ! And the Miracle keeps Progressing .
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Raman an addict clean and serene just for today in NA Worldwide ; live to love and love to live the NA Way !!!
Just like Anthony shared above, I get angry with a reason. And it's a human condition, nothing wrong with it.
Whenever, I've acknowledged and owned MY anger, I've come to learn something new, a priceless insight beneath my anger that my Higher Power wants me to become aware of and deal with...
My attempts at moral surgery of my anger where I try to deny it or suppress it did not help me transform and grow. In fact, I realized with the help of the program that doing so actually took away the solution from me, an opportunity to open my mind to principles like forgiveness, love, acceptance and kindness. This is the drawback when I attempt to ignore or do away with my anger in my obsession to indulge in moral right and wrong...
I get a choice to respond, not react, to my anger when I own it and accept that I'M ANGRY
And when I do end up acting out on my anger in my old addictive ways, I know in my heart that my Higher Power is with me, loving and caring for me in these dark and troubled times. This tender and unconditional love my Higher Power brings into my life actually forms the basis for me to deal with me and the consequences of my acting out on my anger. Admitting my wrong and making amends become my path to freedom, change and growth as a result...
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"If we do an honest examination of exactly what we are giving, we are better able to evaluate the results we are getting."Chapter 10 - Emotional Pain - NA Way of Life.
yes,,, if NA was a "moral program" where we get plus points for being "morally good", and minus ones for being"bad characters" most of us would have been F@#$%^ long long ago. I thank God as I Understand that NA is Spiritual !! The Steps are the solution ! Something I will always keep coming back to ,,,no matter how its going for me in recovery !
-- Edited by Raman at 15:51, 2008-06-14
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Raman an addict clean and serene just for today in NA Worldwide ; live to love and love to live the NA Way !!!
Damn you guys gave me some serious insight on this, thanks.
Raman thats a good woman you must meet .
Tahir I like the "respond" and not react, good good and also you guys know as I do what our higher power is, a loving grace filled God no matter what we need to meet him full way when dealing with other in the same way he would us, AH to be a God LOL just god like would suffice.
thanks for the shares always helpful , ALL of you.
Raman wrote:yes,,, if NA was a "moral program" where we get plus points for being "morally good", and minus ones for being"bad characters" most of us would have been F@#$%^ long long ago.
aye aye
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"If we do an honest examination of exactly what we are giving, we are better able to evaluate the results we are getting."Chapter 10 - Emotional Pain - NA Way of Life.
Raman wrote:yes,,, if NA was a "moral program" where we get plus points for being "morally good", and minus ones for being"bad characters" most of us would have been F@#$%^ long long ago.
aye aye 
