i recently moved to a rural area and my partner and i are having problems getting along. we are both NA members with long-term recovery. i am also seeking online meetings at CoDa, but NA is my home. i'm hoping to be able to vent, purge and listen to the message of recovery. maybe someone on the other line has experience wth what i'm going through. i could call my friends on the phone, but they know my partner and are probably biased because they love me. i need a totally anonymous support system... where i can say what i need to say wthout worrying about him feeling betrayed or like i'm hangout out our dirty laundry... i don't know if we're gonna make it, but i am hoping and willing to try anything for this relationship. i've definitely been suffering lately and i know i need help. we both do.
Welp this is the place to vent anonymously thats for sured
Relatonships ICK i am not good at them at all I scrw up so much and have had some real problems holding it together, my end that is. Seems for me God doesn't want me to have anything close by on a daily basis my last 3 including the one I am in now have been short to long distance, 2 years with a gal in texas I am in california, anotehr 6 month one that the gal lived 1-1/2 hours a way now the one i am in ( and I swore no more long distance relationships ) now she lived in the same town when we met 2 weeks later she had to move 1-1/4 hours away LOL its got to be my higher powers doing and I know exactly why, I sitll have a lot of work to do on ME before i am ready to have someone else full time in my life.
So somethings aren't meant to be, not to say give up but recognizing and accepting when something isn't right yet we want it to be so badly can be devastating to a person in recovery, rememger WE WANT WHAT WE WANT? and we damn well better have it or else!!! we fall to pieces.......
It takes two my girl now is reasonably insane LOL she must be to put up with me, but she understands and goes beyond any lengths to make things work and when I see that it makes me work at it even harder because I know she hosnetly cares for me and is sincere as can be.
Welp we welcome you to the board Djuna there you go I opened it up for discussion or vent , purge away LOL I did it often when i first came around here got lots of support we're a little short handed these days but we have a few regulars who pop in frequently.
I can empathize with your situation. I am new to this site as well and am looking forward to being able to tell on my disease without screwing up how I am saying it. In the first couple of weeks in the program, I announced to a large mixed-gendered meeting that I "wanted to have sex." Now, I am female and 90% of the room was male. I didn't think before I said it and it has taken me some time to get passed that statement with many of the men in the rooms. Just an example of some of the stuff I say before I think......
My Higher Power is also doing for me what I can not do for myself. I am addicted to relationships as well as drugs. I know that this early in my recovery I am supposed to focus on staying clean. The problem is that when something happens in my relationships (or they just don't go the way I want them to), I get use. So, here is my story....
There was a man that I met during my second meeting. I found him extremely attractive. I was under the impression that the feeling was mutual. He doesn't come around for a couple of weeks, for which I was grateful for. I am trying to follow my sponsor's suggestion of no contact with men - to focus on my recovery and myself. But, my addiction being cunning and baffling, once he shows up again - I am doing my best to get something started. So, tonight, we have an informal gathering. The opportunity arose that it was just the two of us. I learned through this conversation that he is interested in my "little sister" (who I used with and got clean with). So, apparently, the interest he showed in me was just to get close to her. This is not a situation that I am unfamiliar with, just one that pisses me off!
As far as sharing my experience, strength and hope - I don't have alot of experience living in the solution. I am working on getting stronger, but I have more hope than I have ever had in my life. I know, for me, that the only thing I can do in this situation is turn it over to my Higher Power and get out of the way (as hard as it is!). The God of my understanding can handle this, but I can't. So, I can put claw marks all over it or let it go freely and constantly.
I don't know if this helped in anyway, but thank you for letting me share. I don't want to build a resentment over this and venting is the best way I know to prevent that from happening.
Enjoy the simple pleasures of life. Have a clean and glorious day!!!
Thanks for your post and welcome to MIP. I could very much relate to your situation. Here's how it was for me:
My husband and I also both have long-term recovery and also moved to a very rural area in another state three years ago. Prior to that, my recovery had been mostly in the same area of the same state, as had his. In fact, we each had had the same home group for 15+ years.
Well, he got a job offer that was like a dream and as much as I didn't want to leave my happy home, I agreed to give it a go. We had lived in a rural area back home and loved it, so we thought we'd do the same in the new state. Well, I didn't love it.
It was a very challenging time for us. He was very happy and very good at his job. He loved the area and thought it was beautiful. He thought the meetings were okay.
I couldn't find a job. I strongly disliked the area. I would go to meetings and none of the women would talk to me. In fact, when I shared some of them would share quite nastily at me. It was awful; I was miserable; I began to think of suicide; I started to spend a lot of time at my son's home in yet another state.
I would call my sponsor to tell him about the meetings and he would tell me to go anyway and be of service. He told me to read the literature.
In the meantime I wanted to die and my relationship was falling apart.
Here's the thing, though. I didn't know if I was really unhappy or if I was mourning the loss of my home, friends, family, etc.
After 8 months, I told my husband that I couldn't do it anymore. I had wanted to give it a year, but I couldn't. I told him that I totally supported his happiness with his new job and that I was going either back home or to live with my son for a while.
Around the same time, my husband received an invitation to interview for a position in yet another state. Long story short, he did, we moved again, and now we're both very happy.
djuna, I'm not sure what the lesson is and I'm not sure that my solution is your solution. It's just my experience. There is lots of hindsight-insight stuff I could offer, but this post is long enough.
Thanks for the reposts! I'm so glad that I found this support network. I love the anonymity because I don't know any of you and you don't know either of us, so I can say anything! I will be sharing more in the next couple days. Now is not a good time. Like I said, thank all of you.
I can relate. Me and my wife are both NA, and we both go to the same meetings most of the times. We did encounter discomfort in the beginning where we each needed to share about what's happening in our lives at these meetings and with other members in the fellowship initially.
We picked up some helpful tools about feeling safe and sharing in a neutral way about relationship issues at such recovery gatherings when we are both present.
We realized that how we shared is as equally important as what we shared. We started practising active non-defensive listening and expressing our feelings in a non-offensive manner, owning up our part of the story, and using "I feel" statements when we have to share about our relationship. We even practice this when we are conversing with each other in privacy. This has enhanced our communication levels leading to greater intimacy and caring between us. It is possible.
We are also blessed with other couples in the fellowship who share similar problems and are living in the solution. Having other couples who could relate and empathise really helps...
This is a common issue for NA couples I believe, and it's not at all a hopeless situation. There is a way, a solution... some wonderful healthy tools that can be practised...
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"If we do an honest examination of exactly what we are giving, we are better able to evaluate the results we are getting."Chapter 10 - Emotional Pain - NA Way of Life.
Thank you, Tahir. I need to go to bed now, but I wanted to let you know that I appreciate your replying to my post. I feel behind on this message board... too much stuff going on. I pray for a little normalcy in our lives. I'm sure next week I'll be bored and pray for a little drama (haha just kidding).
