Just excited and wanted to share with yall what I did yesterday, I went and applied at a local community college here to finish my degree! I've been to college 3 different times but never finished a degree because of drugs. But I still had all my old credits and over 40 hours worth so after talking to a counselor and going over my options I found I had enough credits to get certified in just 4 more classes and then I can get my associates degree in applied science in 2 semesters.
After I got done I was so excited I was jumpin up and down and could hardly contain myself, so I went to tell my fiance and he was in his dark room with covers over his head and clothes and trash all over the room and beer bottles up on the headboard (he relapsed again over the weekend, he wants to stay clean but refuses to go to meetings). Anyways he got mad at me for waking him up and threw an ashtray across the room that broke against the wall. So I left. I'm not judging because I know its been me too many times laying in a dark room depressed and hungover and but for the grace of God thats where I'd be now instead of going back to school, but I can't make excuses for him (or myself) anymore.
I've been really worried lately because ever since I became pregnant I realized my life and the life of my son was in the hands of someone who I can't completely trust, I'm depending on my fiance and he's not dependable. So I was honest with my mom and I cried and told her what was really going on and all the sordid details, and she said if I can get financial aid for my classes and as long as I stay clean, she will help me out with an efficiency or something until I start working. This is a huge relief to me because they told me before that there was no way they were going to take care of me and a baby if my relationship didn't work out, so i felt so depressed and trapped.
Making dumb mistakes and screwing up my own life is one thing, I've been doing that for so long that I'm used to it. But making dumb mistakes and screwing up a completely innocent brand new life is a new low I'm not willing to sink to. Things have just become very clear to me - my son can either have camping trips and little league in his life, or he can have a life of addiction, foster homes, and even abuse. I want very badly for him to have a happy healthy childhood and I want to be in recovery and doing good things for myself and him to give him that.
Anyways, I can't start until fall so that sucks because I wish I could start today. But this semester is halfway over and the first summer semester ends at the first of july, the second summer semester starts at the first of July, and my baby is due at the first of July! I don't want to go into labor during my final exams lol. I was toying with the idea of enrolling for the second semester thinking I could be a trooper and go right to class after I have a baby but I don't think thats being realistic. As it is, even in fall theres no way I can take a full load with a brand new newborn. But I'll take at least a couple of classes in the fall and since I only need 4 thats only 2 semesters to get certified.
Wow what a long ramble! Anyways, 45 days clean, makin meetings everyday, and in march I'll be 5 months along. getting a second ultrasound in 2 days so maybe i'll post some pictures of little Zack if they aren't too scary lookin :P
-- Edited by Keli at 06:44, 2008-02-26
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We are not human beings learning to become spiritual, we are spiritual beings learning to become human.
Congratulations on your school registration and for making some plans - very exciting!
I also have gone to school in recovery and - go figure - I was actually able to finish. It's something that I feel very proud of. Part of my motivation was that I wanted to be a good example to my sons and I wanted to be able to provide for them without having to depend on someone else. (Most of my early relationships were also undependable, as you have described.)
I'm proud of you for getting honest with your mom. I can imagine that took a lot of courage.
Thanks for keeping us posted. I think of you often and always hope you are finding peace in your life.
Hi Keli, thank you for the share. Life is great and it is nice to see you making some nice gains. Good luck in school. The love between a Mother and Son is very special.
kenh
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God is the only one you can depend on in recovery.
Hey thanks for sharing the good news, congratulations on getting back to school. Lost dreams do awaken and new possibilities keep arising in recovery It works!
There is a Power greater than all of us who is in charge. As long as we are clean and working the program, we have nothing to fear. Our dependence on this Higher Power sets us free from having to live in fear that our lives and that of our loved ones is in the control of anything less than this Power. Without doubt, through my second and third steps, I have come to believe and trust that my Higher Power is in charge, not me or any other thing or person.
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"If we do an honest examination of exactly what we are giving, we are better able to evaluate the results we are getting."Chapter 10 - Emotional Pain - NA Way of Life.
It works!
