Reservations "Relapse is never an accident. Relapse is a sign that we have a reservation in our program." Basic Terxt, page 76
A reservation is something we set aside for future use. In our case, a reservation is the expectation that, if such-and-such happens, we will surely relapse. What event do we expect will be too painful to bear? Maybe we think that if a spouse or lover leaves us, we will have to get high. If we lose our job, surely, we think, we will use. Or maybe it's the death of a loved one that we expect to be unbearable. In any case, the reservations we harbor give us permission to use when they come true-as they often do.
We can prepare ourselves for success instead of relapse by examining our expectations and altering them where we can. Most of us carry within us a catalog of anticipated misery closely related to our fears. We can learn how to survive pain by watching other members live through similar pain. We can apply their lessons to our own expectations. Instead of telling ourselves we will have to get high if this happens, we can quietly reassure ourselves that we, too, can stay clean through whatever life brings us today.
I can say I have few reservations anymore ( less fear less need to hide from how I feel ) , one thing that really scared me was losing a loved one, either in death or separation and in recent years I have experienced both and relapsed over one of them.
The breaking up of a 2-1/2 relationship sent me over the topa little under 2 years ago and I used, since then i have gone threw another relationshiup split and did not relapse I made sure of that. The loss of my Cat Chelsea who was like a daughter to me brought me to my knees I feared her loss as much as any family member I have, 12 years we were together the pain still rises in my chest now and out my eyes but I have gotten thru it without using it as a reason to run from the hurt and loss, those feelings are so overwhelming because they are things I CANNOT CHANGE and I've stayed clean by ACCEPTING that.
Thanks to this program and my higher power my hope is to just get thru life on it's terms feel the pain feel the happyness and joy of being clean all threw life.
I've gone through some reservations in recovery and fortunately have not used over them.
The closest I ever came to using was over the end of a relationship. Relationships are serious business for addicts. No wonder it's recommended to wait at least a year. My sponsor early on told me that waiting a year was a good idea, but since I was a special case, I was probably looking at a good five years. She also told me that if I meet someone I find attractive, I should turn around and run as fast as I can. Well, needless to say, I didn't listen and caused myself a whole lot of grief that nearly took me out.
At one point, I had a secret reservation. I never talked about it. I was hardly even conscious of it. I thought that some day I would be a successful professional woman and be able to drink. I imagined myself having power lunches. I came very close to picking up around six years clean when my neighbor invited me over for a drink. Thankfully, I had made a lot of meetings during those six years and I automatically picked up the phone before I picked up the drug, just like I had heard over and over again.
Over the years, I often thought that I might not be able to stand it if I lost my dad, or a son, or my husband, or one of my beloved grandchildren. However, thanks to V and some others who have honestly shared their experience, strength, and hope around losing a loved one, I know now that I don't have to use. For that, I am incredibly grateful.
I still have a few reservations in my recovery today just like our literature says somewhere... I still, at times, don't feel the urgency to contact my Sponsor on a regular basis, and this if I take an honest assessment comes down to "I don't need a Power greater than me to take care of this situation, I can handle it myself" attitude that so many times have taken me to a relapse.
Another reservation is my reluctance to apply my program just before I'm going to use my defects of character while dealing with other people in my life. I tend to consciously make a decision there telling myself "I'll just let myself loose here and hit back, the program can wait." or "I'll first act out and then set it all right by working the program on everything."
Today while reading the JFT, I remembered suddenly while meditating on my current reservations if any, something that I read as a newcomer in IT WORKS HOW AND WHY - that a reservation is not only in context of using but also something like I don't need to attend meetings anymore or I am clean and life is fine, I don't need the Steps etc. These reservations are also reserving a place for relapse.
Scared the shit out of me this morning that I still had reservations, very subtly expressing in hidden, indirect and self-deceptive ways
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"If we do an honest examination of exactly what we are giving, we are better able to evaluate the results we are getting."Chapter 10 - Emotional Pain - NA Way of Life.
I do feel some reservations, but in the back of my mind I have a solid decision that says I will never use again. I know this is a dangerous thought but that is how it is for me right now. I will soon be past my longest non relapse period and I am feeling strong. I have to be careful not to let myself get arrogant and make sure that I stay in touch with my higher power.
kenh
Thank God for this day.
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God is the only one you can depend on in recovery.
