I just wanted to check in and say hi and let you guys know whats going on. I've got 33 days clean (again) and I'm coming up on 5 months pregnant now. I relapsed 3 seperate times during this pregnancy so far. Talk about powerless over your addiction. I thought being pregnant would keep me clean but I can rationalize anything in my mind. I didn't use that much they were just 3 separate relapses before the reality of being pregnant set in. But I was honest with my doctor and I told him in a fit of despair that I was a drug addict. So he's started drug testing me. If I get a dirty UA theres a possibility my baby will be taken from me right after its born. Which is what I would deserve. Not to mention that fact that if i used again the baby could be seriously harmed or killed.
Anyways I've gotten my ultrasound and a bunch of blood tests and luckily so far it looks like everything is ok. The baby is growing right on track, he's the size he's supposed to be, his litle heart and brain cavity are normal, everything is normal so far, so maybe those 3 incidents of messing up will not haunt me the rest of mine and his life. Of course it could turn out that something is wrong, and I'll just have to deal with that.
Anyways I'm scared shitless and my life is completely out of my hands. I'm just spinning uncontrollably down this road and i still don't even know where I'm going to live when the baby is born. The father is trying to stay clean too but he relapsed again about a week ago. Theres a selfish part of me that thinks maybe this baby will save me, savehim, save us, but thats the same part of me that thought being pregnant could keep me clean. I miss you guys and I wanted to come back and also tell on myself, though I'm deeply ashamed that I've had trouble staying clean even when so so much is riding on it. Anyways I'm trying again to stay clean and trying so hard to do the right thing because its not just about me anymore.
-- Edited by Keli at 09:38, 2008-02-14
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We are not human beings learning to become spiritual, we are spiritual beings learning to become human.
Keli, it's so good to hear from you! I've missed you.
Congratulations on your 33 days clean.
Thanks for your honest sharing about what's going on. When I look back on my active using, I regret what I put my children through and wish it could be different. But it isn't different. All I can do is forgive and accept and do the best I can just for today. Just for today. It's that simple.
A big hug to you, Keli girl, and lots of NA love coming your way.
Congratulations on 38 Days Clean (as of now I guess)!
As long as we stay clean, we have a choice of facing face life on life's terms. I have often found in recovery that I might feel tired and exhausted by life's challenges from time to time, yet a dynamic force within always is at work, giving me the strength and the courage to keep doing the one next thing, the next step towards facing life Just For Today. WE DO RECOVER come hell or high water.
Hugs, blessings and love.
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"If we do an honest examination of exactly what we are giving, we are better able to evaluate the results we are getting."Chapter 10 - Emotional Pain - NA Way of Life.
