you guys, i've been in denial i think, about wanting to be clean.. i mean at times yeah i think i really do want to be clean, but most of the time i feel like i just pretend i do, and tell myself that i do, without really meaning it, i relapsed tonight, almost had a month again, and have had the bad luck of finding a new dealer, i don't know if im upset about this or not, i just am going to let life take its course, i think that i haven't hit my bottum, and that's why i struggle so much, so i don't think i should fight it anymore, or put on a facade.. i'm just going to go for the ride.. i'm sorry you guys, but i don't think i should be posting on here anymore, and i'm gonna miss our chats.. this is the first thing i've felt certain of in a long time, actually since i started to try to get clean.. i think it's just somthing i gotta do.. don't worry about me though, i take care of myself
I sure wish you wouldn't listen to yourself....but that's my stuff. All I know is, it's gonna be bad out there, miserable in fact, but I guess you have to go through what you have to go through....in order to get serious about recovery for your life. Yeah, maybe you haven't hit a bottom where you can say, man, I need help....but you can say what your bottom is and it can be now rather than later!!
I am mixed about this as I write, remembering all the times I could have done the right thing and didn't and in the end, where it lead me. To some of the worst memories in my life; I'm not talking months or years of them, but decades.....I lost a lot of time in life, my friend, I hope you wake up and see this for yourself today. I too thought I could take care of myself.
I will keep you in my prayers and I pray you don't die out there......NA Love and Hugs, Glora
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Just For Today....I will have faith in someone in NA who believes in me and wants to help me in my recovery.
I can't tell you Scott how many people tried to help me and I just went with my head and went along for the ride of my addiction. It took me threw things I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy.
Whats that dope giving you? you just gonna keep ignoring life and checkin out all the time?
ITs not as hard as you think Scott it takes getting used to your just doing what your used to theres a whole nuther life out here without drugs and its not as bad as you think your not giving it a chance, it's not that your not ready its that your afraid. This program will give you courage thats missing in your charecter courage to face life on lifes terms and you aint got that right now keep hiding in the dope that haze and see what that gets you, freaken misery dude.
It's up to you you have to see it for what it is and that takes pain and seeing just how bad life can get in addiction sorry you've chosen that but at some point its going to get really bad and you know where to come for help.
I'm not putting you down I did this same shit your doing, I was 38 when I first got really clean for any length of time if it was easy I would have stayed clean but I used again a few more times but the picture got even clearer after that, no hpoe with dope in my life period...
We Love you Scott and wish you only the very best, keep coming back dont die yet.
Addiction, Drugs, And Recovery "Addiction is a physical, mental, and spiritual disease that affects every area of our lives." Basic Text, page 20
Before we started using, most of us had a stereotype, a mental image of what addicts were supposed to look like. Some of us pictured a junkie robbing convenience markets for drug money. Others imagined a paranoid recluse peering at life from behind perpetually drawn drapes and locked doors. As long as we didn't fit any of the stereotypes, we thought, we couldn't be addicts.
As our using progressed, we discarded those misconceptions about addiction, only to come up with another: the idea that addiction was about drugs. We may have thought addiction meant a physical habit, believing any drug that didn't produce physical habituation was not "addictive." Or we thought the drugs we took were causing all our problems. We thought that merely getting rid of the drugs would restore sanity to our lives.
One of the most important lessons we learn in Narcotics Anonymous is that addiction is much more than the drugs we used. Addiction is a part of us; it's an illness that involves every area of our lives, with or without drugs. We can see its effects on our thoughts, our feelings, and our behavior, even after we stop using. Because of this, we need a solution that works to repair every area of our lives: the Twelve Steps.
Just for today: Addiction is not a simple disease, but it has a simple solution. Today, I will live in that solution: the Twelve Steps of recovery. pg. 364
I have also felt many a times after relapsing that there's no way that I could get back to staying clean or staying in touch with the NA fellowship. Once the drugs went inside me, they took charge and they decided for me my future course of action, no more the real "me" or the program...
However, many a times when I relapsed thus, I somehow decided that I'd continue staying in touch with the meetings and the fellowship. I would use most of these days, but somehow allow myself to also be in the fellowship on a regular basis. I stopped fighting as you shared Scott, and I just allowed my life to take it's own course. At the same time, I did not avoid NA too... When I stop fighting, it means I give up control. I give up deciding for myself and taking charge of my life. I realized that the only requirement for being in NA is 'my desire to stop using'. So I was a member whether I was clean or smashed because I did have a desire to stop using, and I'm sure so do you Scott... YOU ARE A MEMBER HERE! Just because my path is suddenly different from that of my family, I don't necessarily give up on them. YOU ARE FAMILY!
STAY WITH US, allow a Power greater than you to help you, let go and stop fighting. It's ok that we relapse at times. Even my father had a relapse in his cancer lately. We do stumble and fall at times. But we don't have to necessarily follow a black-and-white thought pattern, this 'either/or' attitude... As long as we are trying, we ain't failing... Keep coming back, no matter what, come hell or high water! Don't give up! You're worth it!
Blessings, hugs and love.
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"If we do an honest examination of exactly what we are giving, we are better able to evaluate the results we are getting."Chapter 10 - Emotional Pain - NA Way of Life.
Thaks for that Tahir those are also my snetiments I am not good at putting things into words other then seeming angry LOL, in a way I am I'm angry at the evil spirit of addiction and i have fought and fought with it and it always won in the end, UNTIL I surrendered that spirit up to a stronger and bigger force, I quit trying to beat it all by myself and that gave me the strength to be a win, one day at a time. I can't even tell you how wonderful it is to be released from the power of addiction and be in the arms of something so much better. I can't really even describe what and when it happened it was slow coming, little by little one failure after another but I kept coming back.
Hell I'd go to meetings and get loaded half hour later and beat myself up and get as drunk and loaded as I could just to forget I felt like a total loser and all I wanted was to be free from all the chaos in my life and i wanted to be rid of the obsession, the overwhelming need to use, I hated that so much and i never EVER believed I owuld be relieved of that but I have been, today and yesterday and a few days before that amy hope is to keep going foreward clean.
Just keep coming back Scott we're going to worry more if your not around then if your here Bro, keep getting fed a little and keep sharing
Love you my friend, don't give up no matter what, never quit quitting, together with the help of others in NA, WE CAN!
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"If we do an honest examination of exactly what we are giving, we are better able to evaluate the results we are getting."Chapter 10 - Emotional Pain - NA Way of Life.
