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Post Info TOPIC: How do you ask others to give you space ( without hurting them )


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How do you ask others to give you space ( without hurting them )




Or making the situation worse?

You know sometimes I need time to process sh&t, because i know i'm going to over react and get all bent out of shape, I just need some time to digest and actually KNOW what i'm feeling time to pray and meditate, time to sort things out. The process seems to take a day or 2 even at times it gets so mangled up in my head.

Just wondering how this family does this work, thanks.

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Sorry, V. I do not have any experience. I can tell you what not to do. lol



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JasonD wrote:

I can tell you what not to do. lol



I have it down pretty good myself.

I did find one thing that works and that is a FULL EXTENSIVE explanation of what THE plan is the 3-5 hour dissapearance. There will be some reading involved along with prayer then meditation , no decent person would keep another from that biggrin

 



-- Edited by BigV at 01:08, 2007-10-23

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Hey Buddy Vini,,, id never give any advice cause thatd be advice giving and not sharing.
However I know you well enough to share a reading that has helped me with my anger scenes,,I have a new perspective.



Anger can be caused by both external and internal events. You could be angry at a specific person (Such as a coworker or supervisor) or event (a traffic jam, a canceled flight), or your anger could be caused by worrying or brooding about your personal problems. Memories of traumatic or enraging events can also trigger angry feelings.

Expressing Anger

The instinctive, natural way to express anger is to respond aggressively. Anger is a natural, adaptive response to threats; it inspires powerful, often aggressive, feelings and behaviors, which allow us to fight and to defend ourselves when we are attacked. A certain amount of anger, therefore, is necessary to our survival.

On the other hand, we can't physically lash out at every person or object that irritates or annoys us; laws, social norms, and common sense place limits on how far our anger can take us.

People use a variety of both conscious and unconscious processes to deal with their angry feelings. The three main approaches are expressing, suppressing, and calming. Expressing your angry feelings in an assertivenot aggressivemanner is the healthiest way to express anger. To do this, you have to learn how to make clear what your needs are, and how to get them met, without hurting others. Being assertive doesn't mean being pushy or demanding; it means being respectful of yourself and others.

Anger can be suppressed, and then converted or redirected. This happens when you hold in your anger, stop thinking about it, and focus on something positive. The aim is to inhibit or suppress your anger and convert it into more constructive behavior. The danger in this type of response is that if it isn't allowed outward expression, your anger can turn inwardon yourself. Anger turned inward may cause hypertension, high blood pressure, or depression.

Unexpressed anger can create other problems. It can lead to pathological expressions of anger, such as passive-aggressive behavior (getting back at people indirectly, without telling them why, rather than confronting them head-on) or a personality that seems perpetually cynical and hostile. People who are constantly putting others down, criticizing everything, and making cynical comments haven't learned how to constructively express their anger. Not surprisingly, they aren't likely to have many successful relationships.

Finally, you can calm down inside. This means not just controlling your outward behavior, but also controlling your internal responses, taking steps to lower your heart rate, calm yourself down, and let the feelings subside.

As Dr. Spielberger notes, "when none of these three techniques work, that's when someoneor somethingis going to get hurt."

Anger Management

The goal of anger management is to reduce both your emotional feelings and the physiological arousal that anger causes. You can't get rid of, or avoid, the things or the people that enrage you, nor can you change them, but you can learn to control your reactions.

Are You Too Angry?

There are psychological tests that measure the intensity of angry feelings, how prone to anger you are, and how well you handle it. But chances are good that if you do have a problem with anger, you already know it. If you find yourself acting in ways that seem out of control and frightening, you might need help finding better ways to deal with this emotion.

Why Are Some People More Angry Than Others?

  some people really are more "hotheaded" than others are; they get angry more easily and more intensely than the average person does. There are also those who don't show their anger in loud spectacular ways but are chronically irritable and grumpy. Easily angered people don't always curse and throw things; sometimes they withdraw socially, sulk, or get physically ill.

People who are easily angered generally have what some psychologists call a low tolerance for frustration, meaning simply that they feel that they should not have to be subjected to frustration, inconvenience, or annoyance. They can't take things in stride, and they're particularly infuriated if the situation seems somehow unjust: for example, being corrected for a minor mistake.

What makes these people this way? A number of things. One cause may be genetic or physiological: There is evidence that some children are born irritable, touchy, and easily angered, and that these signs are present from a very early age. Another may be sociocultural. Anger is often regarded as negative; we're taught that it's all right to express anxiety, depression, or other emotions but not to express anger. As a result, we don't learn how to handle it or channel it constructively.

Research has also found that family background plays a role. Typically, people who are easily angered come from families that are disruptive, chaotic, and not skilled at emotional communications.

Is It Good To "Let it All Hang Out?"

Psychologists now say that this is a dangerous myth. Some people use this theory as a license to hurt others. Research has found that "letting it rip" with anger actually escalates anger and aggression and does nothing to help you (or the person you're angry with) resolve the situation.

It's best to find out what it is that triggers your anger, and then to develop strategies to keep those triggers from tipping you over the edge.

Strategies To Keep Anger At Bay

Relaxation

Simple relaxation tools, such as deep breathing and relaxing imagery, can help calm down angry feelings. There are books and courses that can teach you relaxation techniques, and once you learn the techniques, you can call upon them in any situation. If you are involved in a relationship where both partners are hot-tempered, it might be a good idea for both of you to learn these techniques.

Some simple steps you can try:

  • Breathe deeply, from your diaphragm; breathing from your chest won't relax you. Picture your breath coming up from your "gut."
  • Slowly repeat a calm word or phrase such as "relax," "take it easy." Repeat it to yourself while breathing deeply.
  • Use imagery; visualize a relaxing experience, from either your memory or your imagination.
  • Nonstrenuous, slow yoga-like exercises can relax your muscles and make you feel much calmer.

Practice these techniques daily. Learn to use them automatically when you're in a tense situation.

Cognitive Restructuring

Simply put, this means changing the way you think. Angry people tend to curse, swear, or speak in highly colorful terms that reflect their inner thoughts. When you're angry, your thinking can get very exaggerated and overly dramatic. Try replacing these thoughts with more rational ones. For instance, instead of telling yourself, "oh, it's awful, it's terrible, everything's ruined," tell yourself, "it's frustrating, and it's understandable that I'm upset about it, but it's not the end of the world and getting angry is not going to fix it anyhow."

Be careful of words like "never" or "always" when talking about yourself or someone else. "This !&*%@ machine never works," or "you're always forgetting things" are not just inaccurate, they also serve to make you feel that your anger is justified and that there's no way to solve the problem. They also alienate and humiliate people who might otherwise be willing to work with you on a solution.

Remind yourself that getting angry is not going to fix anything, that it won't make you feel better (and may actually make you feel worse).

Logic defeats anger, because anger, even when it's justified, can quickly become irrational. So use cold hard logic on yourself. Remind yourself that the world is "not out to get you," you're just experiencing some of the rough spots of daily life. Do this each time you feel anger getting the best of you, and it'll help you get a more balanced perspective. Angry people tend to demand things: fairness, appreciation, agreement, willingness to do things their way. Everyone wants these things, and we are all hurt and disappointed when we don't get them, but angry people demand them, and when their demands aren't met, their disappointment becomes anger. As part of their cognitive restructuring, angry people need to become aware of their demanding nature and translate their expectations into desires. In other words, saying, "I would like" something is healthier than saying, "I demand" or "I must have" something. When you're unable to get what you want, you will experience the normal reactionsfrustration, disappointment, hurtbut not anger. Some angry people use this anger as a way to avoid feeling hurt, but that doesn't mean the hurt goes away.

Problem Solving

Sometimes, our anger and frustration are caused by very real and inescapable problems in our lives. Not all anger is misplaced, and often it's a healthy, natural response to these difficulties. There is also a cultural belief that every problem has a solution, and it adds to our frustration to find out that this isn't always the case. The best attitude to bring to such a situation, then, is not to focus on finding the solution, but rather on how you handle and face the problem.

Make a plan, and check your progress along the way. Resolve to give it your best, but also not to punish yourself if an answer doesn't come right away. If you can approach it with your best intentions and efforts and make a serious attempt to face it head-on, you will be less likely to lose patience and fall into all-or-nothing thinking, even if the problem does not get solved right away.

Better Communication

Angry people tend to jump toand act onconclusions, and some of those conclusions can be very inaccurate. The first thing to do if you're in a heated discussion is slow down and think through your responses. Don't say the first thing that comes into your head, but slow down and think carefully about what you want to say. At the same time, listen carefully to what the other person is saying and take your time before answering.

Listen, too, to what is underlying the anger. For instance, you like a certain amount of freedom and personal space, and your "significant other" wants more connection and closeness. If he or she starts complaining about your activities, don't retaliate by painting your partner as a jailer, a warden, or an albatross around your neck.

It's natural to get defensive when you're criticized, but don't fight back. Instead, listen to what's underlying the words: the message that this person might feel neglected and unloved. It may take a lot of patient questioning on your part, and it may require some breathing space, but don't let your angeror a partner'slet a discussion spin out of control. Keeping your cool can keep the situation from becoming a disastrous one.

Using Humor

"Silly humor" can help defuse rage in a number of ways. For one thing, it can help you get a more balanced perspective. When you get angry and call someone a name or refer to them in some imaginative phrase, stop and picture what that word would literally look like. If you're at work and you think of a coworker as a "dirtbag" or a "single-cell life form," for example, picture a large bag full of dirt (or an amoeba) sitting at your colleague's desk, talking on the phone, going to meetings. Do this whenever a name comes into your head about another person. If you can, draw a picture of what the actual thing might look like. This will take a lot of the edge off your fury; and humor can always be relied on to help unknot a tense situation.

The underlying message of highly angry people, Dr. Deffenbacher says, is "things oughta go my way!" Angry people tend to feel that they are morally right, that any blocking or changing of their plans is an unbearable indignity and that they should NOT have to suffer this way. Maybe other people do, but not them!

When you feel that urge, he suggests, picture yourself as a god or goddess, a supreme ruler, who owns the streets and stores and office space, striding alone and having your way in all situations while others defer to you. The more detail you can get into your imaginary scenes, the more chances you have to realize that maybe you are being unreasonable; you'll also realize how unimportant the things you're angry about really are. There are two cautions in using humor. First, don't try to just "laugh off" your problems; rather, use humor to help yourself face them more constructively. Second, don't give in to harsh, sarcastic humor; that's just another form of unhealthy anger expression.

What these techniques have in common is a refusal to take yourself too seriously. Anger is a serious emotion, but it's often accompanied by ideas that, if examined, can make you laugh.

Changing Your Environment

Sometimes it's our immediate surroundings that give us cause for irritation and fury. Problems and responsibilities can weigh on you and make you feel angry at the "trap" you seem to have fallen into and all the people and things that form that trap.

Give yourself a break. Make sure you have some "personal time" scheduled for times of the day that you know are particularly stressful. One example is the working mother who has a standing rule that when she comes home from work, for the first 15 minutes "nobody talks to Mom unless the house is on fire." After this brief quiet time, she feels better prepared to handle demands from her kids without blowing up at them.

Some Other Tips for Easing Up on Yourself

Timing: If you and your spouse tend to fight when you discuss things at nightperhaps you're tired, or distracted, or maybe it's just habittry changing the times when you talk about important matters so these talks don't turn into arguments.

Avoidance: If your child's chaotic room makes you furious every time you walk by it, shut the door. Don't make yourself look at what infuriates you. Don't say, "well, my child should clean up the room so I won't have to be angry!" That's not the point. The point is to keep yourself calm.

Finding alternatives: If your daily commute through traffic leaves you in a state of rage and frustration, give yourself a projectlearn or map out a different route, one that's less congested or more scenic. Or find another alternative, such as a bus or commuter train.

Do You Need Counseling?

If you feel that your anger is really out of control, if it is having an impact on your relationships and on important parts of your life, you might consider counseling to learn how to handle it better. A psychologist or other licensed mental health professional can work with you in developing a range of techniques for changing your thinking and your behavior.

When you talk to a prospective therapist, tell her or him that you have problems with anger that you want to work on, and ask about his or her approach to anger management. Make sure this isn't only a course of action designed to "put you in touch with your feelings and express them"that may be precisely what your problem is. With counseling, psychologists say, a highly angry person can move closer to a middle range of anger in about 8 to 10 weeks, depending on the circumstances and the techniques used.

What About Assertiveness Training?

It's true that angry people need to learn to become assertive (rather than aggressive), but most books and courses on developing assertiveness are aimed at people who don't feel enough anger. These people are more passive and acquiescent than the average person; they tend to let others walk all over them. That isn't something that most angry people do. Still, these books can contain some useful tactics to use in frustrating situations.

Remember, you can't eliminate angerand it wouldn't be a good idea if you could. In spite of all your efforts, things will happen that will cause you anger; and sometimes it will be justifiable anger. Life will be filled with frustration, pain, loss, and the unpredictable actions of others. You can't change that; but you can change the way you let such events affect you. Controlling your angry responses can keep them from making you even more unhappy in the long run.




-- Edited by Raman at 15:37, 2007-10-23

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Raman an addict clean and serene just for today in NA Worldwide ; live to love and love to live the NA Way !!!


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In Narcotics Anonymous literature we read=
"anger is a reaction,it is a denial of reality"


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Raman an addict clean and serene just for today in NA Worldwide ; live to love and love to live the NA Way !!!


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I have the same experience of sometimes needing time to process things before being able to think clearly about them, much less talk about them.

When I get like that, I keep it real simple and say something like: Do you mind if we finish this conversation later? I really need some time to think about it.

That sounds super easy, but when I'm filled with overwhelming emotions, it can be very difficult to say that in a calm voice! With practice, though, I've gotten better at it. It also helps to know if I don't say that and take some time, things could get ugly.

I use this strategy in any situation: at home, at work, with friends.

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Raman wrote:

In Narcotics Anonymous literature we read=
"anger is a reaction,it is a denial of reality"



I try to stay out of anger Raman, in order for me not to get there I have to do other things and I do them best I can , I have used the methods am reading a  book that explains anger just like what you posted above, matter of fact that all sounds very  similiar to what  I'm reading smile


Communicating to others the need for a TIMEOUT lol, thats what is difficult.

I have always had a hard time describing my needs, for one thing i never felt that I was worth much and had low self worth, maybe I was told no all the time lol, maybe I was just afraid and lived in fear for to long it beat me down to a shuddering voiceless bowl of jellobleh.


Anyhow It's all about learning new ways of handling life on lifes terms, we get courage in the program I have seen that, we mature into real men and women here and we heal from our past and live in the present doing things much differently then we had before and it takes getting used to and practicing.

 



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Boundaries :)

Set them and keep them, to the best of your ability. Set a time aside each day for YOU.

Honesty telling someone that you need that time is the best too. It's not about them, it's about you and what you need to do for you. Enough said, ya know?

If people don't like it, and some won't, that's not your problem today. I know that sounds harsh but the other side of the coin is you being stuck and unhappy and not being able to do what you need to do for yourself.

I've had to do it a few times myself. One situation is emailing. I give out my email freely if anyone needs help and the next thing you know, I am getting all these forwards :) So I write the people and tell them; no forwards please, I hope you understand. But if you ever need to just write to get something out or need some help, I'm here for you. Some understand and some take it personally when it's not personal. I just don't do email, forwards that is. A few are okay but 20 at a time LOL

Love ya Vini, hope this helps you to set some boundaries for others with love :)

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Hey Vini, good question. I have been there many times and have picked up a few practical tools to work with in that context, and am still learning and growing there

Many times, I found that I needed time and space too, just like you expressed, to digest what has transpired or to overcome the hurt I feel or to overcome the hostility within me in context with the other person...

I've realized that it's ok to have needs and to ask for them to be met...

It's ok to have feelings and to express them too, but in a clear and respectful way to the other as more than what I want to say, how I choose to say it is more important...

Just like Glora said, it's very important for me to express it in an as clear way as I possibly could, in helping the other understand to the best of my ability that it's not about him/her, but more about me and my need to digest, recover and put the issue in a neutral perspective...

I do take a time-out, or in other words, a moratorium by expressing so and also adding if its a loved one Im dealing with that I'm neither leaving the relationship nor trying to sweep the issue under the rug... If the other person is not able to respect this need for a time-out due to escalating anger or hurt or if myself am not able to refrain from reaching out again without hostility due to my own hurt or anger within, I leave the place, go for a walk or probably make a lengthy call or two to another member, or sit at a cafe for sometime inventorying the situation, looking at my part and owning it... I have found that dramatic exits, door-slamming or threatening behavior is a definite no-no lol

Another way as suggested by Glora too is that I see to it that I have enough time and space in a day for myself and my personal recovery, time to unwind from the days chores & commitments through a leisure or recreational activity. Setting such individual time for each other, in fact, has given space for the individual time and pursuits in my relationship with my wife too. Also, I make it a point that I reach out to at least another member before I get back to the person with whom I had a situation. Sharing about it with another person or at a meeting/online forum eliminates the hostility or hurt generated by the incident and brings me back to calm and neutrality again before I get back to the person concerned.

If it's a serious relationship that you are more particular about in your question here, I can share this too - me and my wife have a particular agreement that we both have agreed to where we don't discuss serious or sensitive issues or topics while driving in the car, at mealtime, at bed or in front of family & friends... We have a particular time in the mornings where we both say the serenity prayer together, go through safety guidelines that we both have agreed to as to how we will address a conflict in a constructive and respectful way before we attempt to discuss and resolve it. We set a time limit to the discussion, say 20 minutes, after which if it still remains unresolved, we agree to continue the discussion the following day at & for the same time, and move on with the day. I've found it very effective to practice active-nondefensive listening without interrupting the other while the other is expressing something (just like we do in NA, be it recovery or service meetings), and taking turns to speak after having heard out the other's concerns, trying our best to maintain a soft tone of voice through out the conversation, and trying to practice mutual respect by each owning our feelings through "I feel" statements and refraining from blame-and-shame games, case-building, baiting or button-pushing behaviors or expressions. Also, not forcing the discussion of an issue on the other when the other is not up to it due to tiredness, stress, hunger etc and instead respecting the other's limitations and boundaries helps.

It takes two for some of these suggestions to work, but many of them can be practiced on an individual level too. I've done so successfully most of the times, in my relationships with my wife, my other loved ones and even with my friends and other members in NA. It works. Being assertive with another person in setting boundaries and expressing that I need time and space at times, for me, means I respect the other's being for what he/she is. It's a healthy sign. Being aggressive/passive means I have no regard for the other person's being. There are times when I tend to think that the other would not understand if I try to express something, or it might backfire and so on, but trusting in these principles and trying them out time-and-again have proven that they work in the long run even if it doesn't seem so, to start with smile.gif

Hope this helps... Take what you find useful and leave the rest smile.gif

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"If we do an honest examination of exactly what we are giving, we are better able to evaluate the results we are getting." Chapter 10 - Emotional Pain - NA Way of Life.
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