"Our egos, once so large and dominant, now take a back seat because we are in harmony with a loving God. We find that we lead richer, happier, and much fuller lives when we lose self-will."
Basic Text p.101
Addiction and self-will go hand in hand. The unmanageability that we admitted to in Step One was as much a product of our self-will as it was of our chronic drug abuse. And today, living on self-will can make our lives just as unmanageable as they were when we were using. When our ideas, our desires, our demands take first place in our lives, we find ourselves in constant conflict with everyone and everything around us.
Self-will reflects our reliance on ego. The only thing that will free us from self-will and the conflict it generates in our lives is to break our reliance on ego, coming to rely instead on the guidance and power offered us by a loving God.
We are taught to consult spiritual principles, not our selfish desires, in making our decisions. We are taught to seek guidance from a Higher Power, one with a larger vision of things than our own. In doing this, we find our lives meshing more and more easily with the order of things around us. No longer do we exclude ourselves from the flow of life; we become a part of it, and discover the fullness of what recovery has to offer.
Just for today: I seek freedom from ego and the conflicts generated by self-will. I will try to improve my conscious contact with the God of my understanding, seeking the guidance and power I need to live in harmony with my world.
today, october 3, i have been clean for 5 days, not a lot yet, but i woke up this morning (at 6 a.m., wayyyyyyy too early) and felt so good, no sweating and nausea and "where is my vicodin????" i have started back to NA meetings and think i am going to just get better..i feel more encouraged now about my recovery than ever......even though i do think of using sometimes, there is nothing around to use...i even had two refills on my vicodin at the pharmacy and went this morning and told my story to the pharmacist and she "deleted" the refills, so they aren't there now....that was hard to do, but i felt good about myself......