So through this whole decision to leave school and all the problems i've had here, i have been calling my mom a lot and talking to her and having her walk me through all the stuff i need to do to withdrawal from my classes and and get out of my lease and just to talk about how i feel and stuff, but my dad called me today and bitched me out and was giving me shit and was like if you're going to do this you're going to get a job and take care of all your shit right away the second you drop your classes. and was just making me feel like shit, and like i was fucking up before i even started anything. and i called my mom and was like why the hell did he just yell at me, and she said it was because he was hurt that i never called him the whole time i was here or let him know that i was having problems and left him out of the loop cuz we are usually really close. so i called him back and was like i'm sorry i never called you, but i didn't want to dissapoint you because i've already done that so many times the last few years. and he was just kind of like okay, well call me if you need help with anything... But i mean in our family my brother and sister and i, we were never raised to feel comfortable talking about our feelings or opening up, and none of us including my parents ever have done that or do that. so how can he expect me to just start doing that out of the blue one day? i dunno i was just having a bad day and needed a place to vent. thanks for listening, and sorry for the lack the run-on sentences and lack of paragraphs, i hope this is readable and doesn't sound like a bunch of nonesense?
hey (((Scott))) thats what we are here for my friend, no need to apologize.
when i get 'shit' for something i've done or am doing i can look back on it now and see that i was confirmation of how i was feeling about myself to begin with more often than not. And i know today that feelings are just feelings, they pass. Since i can remember...i can still see in my minds eye... my mom wagging her finger at me and saying...shame on you, shame on you. Right up to being 37 years old and in a different city in detox on the phone with her and her still saying...shame on you Wendy, your old enough to know better... Its like i grew up subconciously saying..ok.. if i'm so shameful...i'll show you shame!!!
Today i know the difference between shame and guilt
Shame is about who i am
Guilt is about what i've done and/or not doing
i lived in both for way to long, it kept me actively using and also took me back to using a few times.
Today what matters is how i feel about me.
Thanks to the program I've learned first and foremost that i'm not alone, that i can share what i'm feeling at any given time. Be it at a meeting, a phone call and all the while my Higher Power. Today i don't live in guilt and shame, the time is NOW, i am HERE.
The only time i remember feeling comfortable talking about uncomfortable things, FEELINGS in general was when i was under the influence. Its like i had to get corked in some form or another to FEEL or NOT FEEL depending on the circumstances.
My family hasn't changed, i have. I am the only clean and sober member of my family, the oldest of 7 kids, all i can do today is live my life for me and hopefully set a good example.
My ex called me in the middle of the night last night to tell me that my 13 year old daughter showed up at another ex\s puking drunk, and was passed out. I tried t talk to him like the adult in recovery i feel i have become...all fell on deaf ears, was all about him and of course me and my choices, that if i hadn't abandoned them...i curtly had to end the phone call, of course assuming now that he thinks i don't care about my daughter because i hung up. Today i have boundaries, i call them property lines.
Today i pray... for my family, for peace and understanding.. little by little its coming. and my girls that they don't follow their mothers footsteps. Thats all i can do. Live and let live, turn it over.
What others don't understand is their 'stuff'. What i don't understand is my 'stuff'
I too remember my dad saying 'i just don't get it Wendy'...meanwhile he just got fired from a dry camp job for open beer and sells pot... but because my drug of choice became crack..he doesn't understand...ok
The only nonsense Scott is not doing what is ultimately right for us
Hang in there Scott dont find any excuses to use start workin on that, RECOGNIZE that theres always going to be a reason or excuse, a person place thing or situation to get high over but nothings ever WORTH giving up recovery for.
Thank you Scott for sharing. It does get better. Hugs and Love.
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"If we do an honest examination of exactly what we are giving, we are better able to evaluate the results we are getting."Chapter 10 - Emotional Pain - NA Way of Life.
