i've been hurting more emotionally because of my addiction. i've been crying and i haven't been able to talk about it.
i finally told someone i knew would hold me accountable. i had terrible withdrawals today, but i think i'll move past it soon. and i think it will be the last time i get clean. for real this time.
i'm going to start going to meetings again. i'm going to get clean. it's going to hurt, it's going to suck for a while, but i have to do this now - not for anyone else, but for me.
i'm really glad i've had everyone on this board to support me through this and THANK YOU SO MUCH for helping me pull through to this point. i hope i continue to have your support.
It's up to you Caitlin if you've hit your bottom or even a little above and are willing, open and honest and have the desire you can do this, ONE DAY AT A TIME thats all it takes, membership is easy :)
I'm very excited for you to start over in recovery, i've been doing some thinking today, and here is what i've come up with, maybe it will help you? You know i always tell myself this is the time that i'm going to make it.. etc.. and i think that when we do that we put emphasis on the future, which we don't need to do, because we are only supposed to worry about today, now people have been telling me this "just for today" concept since i was 15 at my first NA meeting, and at first i was like.. well no crap you crazy coffee guzzling old-people, it's not like i have the option to take it 3 days at a time, or else i would hah. But because i never truly did the just for today thing, i got frustrated, i wanted immediate results, i wanted 1 day clean to be and feel like a year, and that is why i rarely made it past 1 day.
Today i was indulging in some serious self-loathing, whenever i walked past a mirror i wanted to punch it in, i was so depressed and doing the "woe is me" thing. It was the thinking that i have to live with the fact that i am an addict for the rest of my life, and thinking about all the days and temptations ahead, and all the hard things that are bound to come up, and that made me want to throw in the towel right then and there and say i give up, it would be easier to be strung out on dope everyday until i die then to face life and my problems clean. But this is such an immature and silly outlook. I can't control the things that will happen in the future, and i for sure cannot control the things that have happened in the past. and when there is only today to worry about, life is a breeze.
I could sit around all day thinking about how i've had to move away from two amazing cities Chicago, and Boston, and how i'll probably never be able to go back to them if i want to protect my recovery, or how i've ruined so many great friendships, or how i've lost 20 pounds from using, or stress about college. but that would just get me down and into a relapse state of mind.
instead we should just live each day the best we can, and enjoy it the best we can, because it truly is a gift. But it's also important not to put too much stock into your recover time, (even though when i hit 30 days im gonna be bouncin' off the walls), because i've seen people at meetings that get a significant amount of time and pat them selves on the back and say it's time for a relapse, and end back at square one because they forgot to live day by day, and felt that since they had gotten so much clean time, that it was safe to try to just use on the weekends, or only once more etc..
Sorry for rambling, maybe you guys can make some sense out of that. but i wanna end with a quote i heard at the last meeting i went to a few days ago, and when i heard it i laughed pretty hard because i could so relate, and it was so absurdly true!
"There is more to life than waiting on your dealer"
wow Juniper, great share. And its so true. I used to tell myself "Never again" all the time too then I would end up using again. It didn't sink in to me what one day at a time meant either until this guy at a meeting a couple weeks ago who has 2 years clean said his old using bud had called him up out of the blue and asked how had he been able to go 2 years without using. And he said something to the effect that "I can't go two years without using, but I can go one day, and the days add up". For some reason that just hit me like a ton of bricks and i was like, whoa - i can stay clean for one day too!
We can't get wrapped up in how long we've been clean or how long we're going to be clean or if we're going to relapse, because if we just stay clean right now, in this moment, for this one day, then "Just for Today - We Never Have to Use Again".
"There is more to life than waiting on your dealer" That quote IS absurdly true. Oh My God I don't even want to know how much of my life has been spent waiting on a friggin dealer lol. Thank God we don't have to do that anymore!!
I'm so glad your here Caitlin, hang in there for another day girl - my thoughts and prayers are with you (((hugs)))
-- Edited by Keli at 07:03, 2007-08-27
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We are not human beings learning to become spiritual, we are spiritual beings learning to become human.
Welcome Home Caitlin! We're so glad you're here!! When we get sick and tired of being sick and tired, we change what is no longer working for us. Never forget how much we love you and remember, just for today, we never have to use again. Always here for YOU :)
Juniper and Keli, your shares totally rocked.....and I'm so glad you guys are here too :) It was like reading about me all over again except the part where Juniper said:
"and at first i was like.. well no crap you crazy coffee guzzling old-people, it's not like i have the option to take it 3 days at a time, or else i would hah."
I laughed my azz off on that one....I wasn't too young when I found these rooms :) Love you guys, you're all the best....my thoughts and prayers are with you all in your recoveries.....let's walk this path together.....just for today :)
Love and Hugs, Glora
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Just For Today....I will have faith in someone in NA who believes in me and wants to help me in my recovery.
Caitlin - Hang in there! And remember: Meeting makers make it. Hang with the winners and do what they do. Hugs to you. I hope you'll let us know how you are doing.
Juniper - Well done getting yourself off the pity pot. My first sponsor used to tell me I had five minutes a day to feel sorry for myself and that was it. I also used to hear in meetings that "We can get clean in spite of our past." Those two things really helped me a lot.
Keli - I love that quote: There's more to life than waiting for your dealer. Geeze, isn't that the truth? And yet, I couldn't figure it out on my own - DUH.
With each passage from one stage of human growth to the next, we, too, must shed a protective structure.
Our passage into a new stage of development was initiated by our desire to stop using. The values we lived by while using no longer fit us. We need to shed our old skin and grow a new one that reflects our current worldview.
We are now, and always will be, in the stage of becoming, of trying to fulfill our changing dreams and aspirations. What we can accomplish at one stage of life is different from what we can handle at another. And yet an overall design is being shaped by all our endeavors. The more willing we are to shed yet another skin, the more centered, stable, and spirit filled we'll become.
Do my actions fit my values? As I outgrow my values, I will release them. I will relish my growth today and celebrate my new skin.
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"If we do an honest examination of exactly what we are giving, we are better able to evaluate the results we are getting."Chapter 10 - Emotional Pain - NA Way of Life.
Hi Caitlin, how's it goin? As long as we are trying, we are not failing...
When I started seeking the dream of making a day clean, I stumbled and fell many a times but I never gave up. with the help of NA, I kept rising again, and kept coming back until the miracle happened... It's worth it.
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"If we do an honest examination of exactly what we are giving, we are better able to evaluate the results we are getting."Chapter 10 - Emotional Pain - NA Way of Life.
