I find myself here again after at least 2 years. I have been to NA 3 times and got just over 30 days everytime. There are a lot of people that helped me through those times.
After these years I am here again and I have a beautiful, peferct, sweet , amazing, baby girl named Liliana Joy! When I got pregnant, luckily I found out such at about 2 weeks into it, b/c I just knew I was pregnant and I was right, I hadnt done too much when she was conceived but was definately concerned when I found out, but was so elated that I never felt any type of withdrawels b/c the happiness of having a baby with my husband that I have been with for 12 years overpowered any type of withdrawels or morning sickness and being pregnant was the best 10 months of my life! I KNOW IT WAS BECASUE I WAS SOBER and REALLY THOUGHT MY HUSBAND WOULD STOP USING AFTER I HAD HER BECAUE IT IS WHAT I HAD DONE AND IT WOULD BE UNFATHOMABLE THAT HE WOULD CONTINUE TO USE AND I WOULD START AGAIN AFTER WE HAD OUR LITTLE FAMILY. I know while I was pregnant I ignored his using becasue I was soo happy and fixated on having her that I really didnt notice or wouldnt let myself be jelous I couldnt do it to becasue I just knew I couldnt period. And I didnt do anything while I was pregnant, not one sip of beer, not one pill, I certainley had craings at first but I kept telling myself that I would "mangle my Baby" in the womb and kept repeating "Mangled Baby" everytime I thought oh just one beer or one pill wont hurt. I know this sounds explicit and I hope I am not offending anyone, but that is what worked for me but now that she is born and I am using again there is nothing I can sat to myself to make myself stop such as I can still mangle her mind by doing this or I am mangeling my body and could die and she would have no mom. NONE OF THIS STOPS ME.
After she was born I was not at all interested in taking benzos or drinking which was my drug of choice but they gave me perkocet in the hospital, even though I was in no pain and check me and the babay out after 24 hours b/c I felt so good. I literally had no pain after the birth but I did have the script for the 60 percs that they gave me for "pelvic pain" which I did not have but I kept taking htem b/c they gave me tremendous energy and I felt like superwoman and since I just had a baby it was easy for me to keeo getting my very large OBGYN practice more and more refills fore the Percocet. Now after all tha damn drugs I was doing in my life which I had planned to stop I was introduced to a new one I loved, when even during all my years of drug use I though I was allergic to any type of pain medication. I was on maternity leave for 6 weeks and have always been a worker and this time off work killed me b/c the baby slept a lot during this time and I didnt want to drink again and for the first time since I was a child I thought beer especially in the afternoon smelled horrible but I got bored and kept taking the percs and drinking.
Fast forward 10 months later and the addiction is back n full force. I could have stayed happy and completely stopped but since my first day out of the hospital after the baby my husband was there with all the pills I could have wanted. SO I was back to that place again. I still work very hard and never have any problems with that and stil no one knows but I know my life could be much better without all of this. I know the disease progresses while I was pregnant and is now in full force. Adding to that when I went back to work, I am the "bread winner" of the faimly after having the baby I was laid of. Tehy said it was to company but I know it was because I had a baby and could no longer work 15 hours a day for them even though I loved doing it. I had to work the good old 9-5 b/c my husband works for a hotel and carries our insurance so altough he makes quite a bit less money he has to stay where he is so I got a 9-5 making great money but with the day care expenses and everything that goes along with the baby and having a husband that works night and weekends and having no family close by makes me feel lik a single parent. Not only do I bring in most of the money and have most of the house hold chores I am also going to school to finish my degree which I have been doing since before I was pregnant and will continue doing b/c I know if I stope for a semester I wont go back and I want my degree so I can tell my baby her mom is a college graduate.
I know this is a lot of information for anyone but I want to give all the active members here the who picture b/c I really need help. I take at least 5 10 mg valium a day, drink at least 8 16 oz. beers a day and have recently started to snort subutex which is basically heroin b/c that is what they gave my husband when after we had the baby we were trying to help him with his 4 year addicton to hydrocodone. But now I am sniffing that stuff everyday, after work,(Ii never do drugs at work) in addition to working full time, takaing care of our baby, taking care of the house, and going to school.
I know the one thing I am not doing right now and not doing since I gave birth is taking care of myself. I dont look unhealthy and everyone tells me I look pretty all of the time but i know that my insides are screaming out for help. I am always sick, eith direhhe(sp) or constipation, or tiredness, dizzyness, irritable, or angry and I know that is because of the drugs.
I want to go to back to NA because went before and loved it and felt like the people there could relate but the amount of meetings are much more limited I just dont know how I will find the time. I know that recovery should and must come first but when you work full time and have to, my husband works the exact opposite schedule and I go to school and just got an academic scholarship and veterans benefits which meas I cant stop any of those things right now no matter what . So I am defiantely going to try to go to the very first AA meeting I can b/c I know I need help but just dont know when I can get to one. Ther eis no way I can do 90 in 90 days but I have to do something and hopefuylly now remembering that there are online meetings I can find some help.
I have rambeled on for long enough and have to feed the baby so thank for still beeing here I know I need all the help I can get.
Please send me a not to encourage me and let me know what you would do if you were in my situation and if you have been sober for a good amount of time, let me know how you did it.
Welcome back and thanks for sharing so much! I could so relate to the pregnancy part - I didn't use either when I was pregnant and I'm very proud of that! However, having a beautiful, perfect baby wasn't enough to keep me from using again.
It wasn't until I committed to abstinence and meetings that I was able to stop. By that time I had two little boys and most certainly could NOT do a 90 in 90. I went to as many meetings as I could, got a sponsor (and a therapist), a home group, and stayed committed to not using no matter what. No matter what!
Pretty soon I was working and going to school and was a single parent. I took the boys to meetings with me. Sometimes I took my homework, too! I did whatever I had to to get to meetings and to stay clean. It surely wasn't easy, but I wanted a better life for myself and my boys and I was willing to work for it.
The first thing I would suggest you do is put down the drugs (including the alcohol). Just stop. Starting right now. Second, make meetings as much as you can. While you're there, get some phone numbers. In between meetings, use those phone numbers. Even if you don't have anything to say, call someone. Even if you don't know the person, call. Just call.
Three little things to get you started. You can do that.
I'm Jess an addict from PA. Reading your post was like reading a page out of my own life. I can identify with all of it completely.....i did the same thing...twice.
I got clean in 2004 for the first time, got pregnant right out of rehab with my boyfriend who i used with, stayed clean through the whole pregnancy, had my son when i was 11 months clean, his father was using, not long after having my son I used too.....the main trigger being the medication i was given in the hospital and my boyfriend using and asking me to use with him.
My son wasn't enough for me to stop. I used until my family called children and youth services and lost custody of my son. I checked into rehab again, got a new clean date and started over.
This time i was about 90 days clean when i found out i was pregnant again....
I got custody of my son back, and as soon as children and youth was out of our lives, my boyfriend was using again. I was pregnant, clean, working a program to the best of my ability, yet my disease had me in the grips of denial.
My daughter was born the same day i celebrated 1 year clean......2 weeks later i was using again.......it was the pain medication i took in the hospital (that i needed) and living with their father who was using that triggered it.......again
It was all insanity......making the same mistakes expecting different results.
I almost didn't make it back to the rooms this last time, i od'd.....woke up in the hospital, almost wrecked my car driving high with my kids in the backseat, came close to going to jail.....i have a felony conviction for drug possession now.....i was so scared i wouldn't be able to stop.....that i was going to leave my kids without a mother before they were old enough to be able to remember who i was.....none of that mattered though until i surrendered.
It hasn't been easy getting clean and staying clean this time.....i really do the work everyday......in the last 8 and 1/2 months i've been clean i was homeless for 2 months living in shelters with my kids, i'm 24 years old with a 1 year old and a 2 and 1/2 year old. I work full time. I make the time with all that on my plate to make 5 meetings a week and meet with my sponsor once a week. I do it because i know anything i put before my recovery i lose.
I used the work excuse not to go to meetings, the i have kids excuse, i'm pregnant, i'm tired, i don't want to drive......they were all excuses......today i dont' make excuses becuase i want to stay clean for me. I want more for my life and myself than the miserable existence of using. My kids are in my life today and with me everyday b.c i'm clean.
Just because i used doesn't mean i love my kids any less, but when i use my disease doesn't allow me to feel that love i have for them. I dont' want to give that up today.
I stay clean by putting my recovery first every day to the best of my ability. I dont' use NO MATTER WHAT. I show up for my recovery, myself and my kids today.
Hi Christine, welcome to Miracles In Progress. Glad we have you here with us. Keep coming back.
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"If we do an honest examination of exactly what we are giving, we are better able to evaluate the results we are getting."Chapter 10 - Emotional Pain - NA Way of Life.
before and loved it and felt like the people there could relate but the amount of meetings are much more limited I just dont know how I will find the time. I know that recovery should and must come first but when you work full time and have to, my husband works the exact opposite schedule and I go to school and just got an academic scholarship and veterans benefits which meas I cant stop any of those things right now no matter what . So I am defiantely going to try to go to the very first AA meeting I can b/c I know I need help but just dont know when I can get to one. Ther eis no way I can do 90 in 90 days but I have to do something and hopefuylly now remembering that there are online meetings I can find some help.
