tell me the secrect of learning how you can tell who to trust please. i have been burned in the program so many times now i am really freaked out and i just dont know who to trust any more. am i really stupid? is everyone in this area bad? what the hell is going on? i did better when i wore leather and had a attitude, now that is changed and i am a lot softer and gentle, im feeling like i need to go back to my "old" front. i hate this feeling, i feel like people think im weak or something.
I am curious about your experience from your post. What has happened? Is it possible for you to give an example or two?
It is hard for me to share any similar experience I might have without more information.
At this point I will say, however, that the program (step, traditions) is perfect. It is the fellowship (the people) that are flawed. People are always flawed, though, and, therefore, can never completely meet our expectations.
A couple of points to ponder:
What exactly are your expectations of others? Do you have any trustworthy friends? What makes them different? Are you giving enough time to get to know someone before divulging sensitive information about yourself? Are you sharing or expecting too much too soon?
it goes like this, husband leaves me with baby, life becomes much more difficult, i was 10 years clean when danny (my son) was 3 years old. danny was diagnosed as special needs and i had some financial problems. then i got hooked up with an old boyfriend who began relapsing in our 2nd year together. i have a small relapse and start sliding into depression. many of the fellowship turn there back on me and make me "wrong" about this. say things like "you should know better" go through many hard times for five years till finally get out of "bad" relationship and start seeing a guy in recover i had been friends with for 6 years, he has good recovery, very solid. 2nd year in the relationship it begins to unravel as issues come up. (his and mine) i have a one day relapse. many more people get nasty with me. i feel devastated by this. all this time i seek outside help and get counseling for my stuff. i learn to set boundries ect. then crisis in my relationship and financial disaster strike and i lose it, end up in the psych ward for 3 weeks. since then i have been on meds and see a shrink for the serious childhood issues once a week. many more people got all attitude with me about the meds and tell me im not clean. i lost a lot of people i thought were friends and believe me this is the short version im giving you. i still love my ex even though we couldnt work it out and recently some one else in the program told me in a kind of malicious way he has a new girlfriend. i get it that cause her relationship isnt the happiest she takes it out on others, but it caught me off guard. im pissed. it feels like when i first cleaned up and the old timers in the program said "you will find out who your true friends are" this sucks.
So glad to hear from you again. Been a long time. Welcome back home.
I'm not sure if I can relate with you completely, but I can surely relate with what you shared about the fellowship turning it's back on you.
I've been thru that experience myself at my hometown. I've been thru some really nasty and unimaginable gossip, slander and ill-behavior by those I thought were my family, members I thought really really cared about me...
In the beginning I couldn't bear it too. I've cried many nights after having heard what they thought about me and spoke about me... I was shocked and was deeply hurt... Then I tried to get angry and even with these members... I really felt alone at one point, isolated from the fellowship... I was not even able to show up at f2f meetings there as these members did not hide their viciousness and indulged in their slander against me openly, sometimes, even thru their shares at meetings, right on my face...
I reached out to my Sponsor, worked my program hard on the situation, reached out to the online NA community for support, strived to do everything that I could possibly do to find the peace within... practising the principles of the program was very instrumental in overcoming my hurt, healing from it, and to keep going to these meetings inspite of all that I was exposed to there. In the process of letting go and turning it all over to my Higher Power, I found a select few in the fellowship who did care, and who really stood by me, and gave me hope... many others of these seemingly slanderous members later realized what they did, reached out to me, and made amends... many of these are very good friends of mine today... my Sponsor and my sponsees gave me the much needed strength to carry on too, not to forget my homegroup... I realized that, no matter what, I belong to NA and NA belong to me too, as much as it belongs to everybody else, and that no matter what, come hell or high water, I would not give up on these meetings, the fellowship... Today I realize that there will always be a select few who truly care and can be there for you thru your hard times... that I just need to hold on, not give up, reach out, look hard enough, and I can find them...
Today, I see those members' presence as very important to my personal growth... They taught me how to cope with people when they are real nasty, inside or outside NA, without acting out... For the first time, I learnt how to really practice patience, acceptance and tolerance... Every one of those days when I went to these meetings, no matter how much they would try to hurt me, I walked to each one of them and hugged them, did not expect anything different from them... I was, for the first time, face to face with the principle of unconditional love... When I look at all those experiences now, I realize that these members were in fact my greatest spiritual teachers, they made my emotional and spiritual growth possible, I moved to the next level of recovery that I couldn't possibly have, if they were not the way they were...
I might be powerless over others, but I realized that with the help of the steps, I can change myself in a way where they don't necessarily have the power to disturb my daily sanity... Nowadays, I neither find the interest nor the inclination to even observe others' negativity... I have more important things to be aware of, to learn new things about myself, and to grow further by liberating myself of my pain and my hurts and my defects... and if others help me in the process like these members do due to their sickness, well and fine...
Also, the very first thing I do today when someone is about to tell me something about someone or what someone said about me, I immediately tell them that if they are really a good friend, they wouldn't bring the gossip to me... Sometimes, more than the gossippers, I've found that the so-called concerned friends who bring this gossip about me to me are more dangerous... You nip them at the bud, and then not many poisonous arrows would come your way...
-- Edited by Tahir at 16:25, 2007-07-14
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"If we do an honest examination of exactly what we are giving, we are better able to evaluate the results we are getting."Chapter 10 - Emotional Pain - NA Way of Life.
very pleasantly surprised you remember me tahir, thanks so much. your post is very helpful, i will definately take your suggestions. i am of course sorry you went through that but am also relieved im not the only one. im grateful for you and blithe responding. it feels pretty lonely lately. thanks guys.
Personally I like networking my recovery program I dont just hang out in one spot I move around and have assorted groups I go to and people I know.
One thing I know is that I get a great deal of quality help right here, keep coming back Galeon this whole thing is a constant learning curve.
I too relapsed after having a few days put together so know the feelings of going thru that just keep your head up and inventory all that happened and see what your part is in the whole scheme of it and what you missed, what needs to change, ect.
Our higher power is wonderful today I went thru something that normally I would have gotten really upset about, I didn't feel the anger I did feel dissapointment, where did that anger run off to I don't know but I believe having had to turn things over so muich lately I think i'm begining to get it , a change has been made and its good, I am relieved of it just for today.
I once had a situation very similar to Tahir's. One person in the fellowship, in my home area, did not like something I did. She stopped speaking to me and soon her husband, who I had known for very many years in recovery, stopped speaking to me as well. Before I knew it, all of their friends and sponsees were also shunning me at meetings. All of them were saying very mean and hurtful things about me.
My response was that I felt very hurt and I quite seriously considered leaving NA altogether. It was very, very difficult to attend meetings where I would encounter anyone from that group. I did on rare occasion, but honestly, I mostly tried to avoid them.
When all that happened I had just moved to the opposite side of the area. I hadn't attended many meetings near my new home because I had continued going to the same meetings I had attended before moving. However, once this happened, I began to attend meetings closer to my new home and got re-connected to NA.
I had sponsees at this time who also helped me stay connected. I was, unfortunately, in between sponsors at the time and that was a great loss.
On the spiritual level, my goal was to not return hurt with hurt. I was and remain very proud of myself that I never slandered any of the persons who shunned or slandered me. I never said a negative word about them. In fact, I learned to be observant and thoughtful even while being nearly consumed by hurt. I learned that people don't really do things to me; they do things for themselves. Once I understood that, I began to think differently; to understand that it might not be personal, that it might not be about me at all. I learned about the power we have to save another person's life, and that I want my actions to always be on the side of saving lives and not jeapordizing them. Those people had no idea that they literally jeapordized my life with their behaviors. I wish to never do that to another recovering addict.
Today my life has taken me to a different part of the country and I do not encounter any of those people any more. I still have a couple of friends, a sponsor, and a sponsee in that old area, though. In fact, my sponsee is now dating a person who was a part of that group. Every once in a while, the old wound gets poked and I find that it is still sensitive. The hurt has now turned to resentment and I find that I have not yet forgiven. Will I ever forgive? I don't know. Will I get on with my life and take my lessons with me? Absolutely. I already have.
A big hug to you, Galeon. There really are some very supportive and special people in recovery and in the world. It's okay if you have to kiss some frogs before you find them. Continue to work your program and more will surely be revealed.
Hi Galeon,,, may I add on that ??? Well ive paid a dear price for revealing too much in my sharings in meetings,,,, at that time many years ago i had shared how i was in a particular situationa nd revelead too many graphic details,,, the resul was I was ostracized by the Fellowship, and shunned to the extent that they didnt even hug me anymore !!! At that tiem the only thing that saved me was music and one or two Na friends,,, this character assasination goes on till this day= even the other day a fellow and I went by jeep to another town about 200 miles away to attend an NA function there ! On the way we got into a problem with another member who we were to pick up. Another member from my town instead of being supportive tessl my co traveller "I told you so,, you should have not gone with Raman ." Now Im always wondering in these times to confront or not,,, I simply seem to default on decision !!! However all said and done we need to allow trust to be earned,, it ios not granted but earned first and in my experience earned trust is always better for my anonymity !!!
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Raman an addict clean and serene just for today in NA Worldwide ; live to love and love to live the NA Way !!!
Hi all please allow me tyo paste here something i read today and thought may be appropriate !!! It relates to the line in the Basic Text which goes "SOMETHING IN OUR DESTRUCTIVE PERSONALITIES CRIES FOR FAILURE"
When we choose that which is not best for us, the truth can be that there is a deep seated part of us that does not want to heal. We may say its because we dont have the time or the energy or the resources, but the real truth is that when we dont take care of ourselves we are falling prey to self-sabotage. Self-sabotage happens unconsciously, which is why its so difficult to see that we are doing it. The important thing to realize is that this very part of us that resists our healing is the part that most needs our attention and love. Even as it appears to be working against us, if we can simply bring it into the light of our consciousness, it can become our greatest ally. It carries the information we need to move to the next level in our healing process.
When we recognize that we are not making healthy choices, we might even say out loud, I am not taking care of myself. Sometimes this is the jolt we need to wake up to what is actually happening. Next we can sit ourselves down in meditation, with a journal, or with a trusted friend to explore the matter more thoroughly. Just shining the light of our awareness on the source of our resistance is sometimes enough to dispel its power. At other times, further effort is required. Either way, we need not fear these parts that do not want to heal. We only need to take them under our wing and bring them with us into the light.
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Raman an addict clean and serene just for today in NA Worldwide ; live to love and love to live the NA Way !!!
wow!...so much helpful stuff you guys! im overwhelmed with the loving responses! i had been feeling so alone and your replys with such heartfelt feelings have moved me to tears, it has brought back the feeling of belonging which is the greatest gift ever. i cant thank you enough, so many excellent suggestions and insights....may you all be blessed billions of times over.....love cindy
Hello, I am new to the forum, but I had a situation tonite and I couldn't pick up the phone so I sought it out. I was stood up by an NA friend tonite and was really hurt by it. I'll admit I have a lot of difficulty when it comes to knowing how to handle friendships. But reading all of your comments has helped. People are always going to do crappy things, but I guess I just need to discover how to deal with it.
People are always going to do crappy things, but I guess I just need to discover how to deal with it.
Well said, May Glad we have you here with us. Welcome home to the Miracles In Progress Family. Regards and Fellowship Love.
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"If we do an honest examination of exactly what we are giving, we are better able to evaluate the results we are getting."Chapter 10 - Emotional Pain - NA Way of Life.
Glad we have you here with us. Welcome home to the Miracles In Progress Family. Regards and Fellowship Love.
