I once had a beautiful plant. It sat on my dining room table for three weeks as I waited for it to blossom. Each week, I waited for something to happen. By week three, instead of a luscious blooming bush, what revealed itself was a dry, shriveled piece of nothing.
I stormed angrily into the florist's shop and demanded an explanation for why my plant had died. Puzzled, yet relatively calm, the florist asked, "Did you do everything, I told you to do?"
"Absolutely! I waited for three weeks just like you said. I just waited, and now my plant is dead."
Scratching his head in wonderment, he asked, "Did you also water the plant every three days? Did you feed it the plant food I gave you? Did you keep it out of direct sunlight? Tell me, what did you do?"
"I didn't water it, because it didn't look like it needed it. I lost the food you gave me, and I didn't have time to get more. And I thought you said to keep it in direct sunlight. I waited for three weeks before calling you because I figured it would be okay, I thought if I let go and let God, the plant would eventually bloom."
How easy it is to mistakenly believe that "let go and let God," means to sit back and do nothing. Our words may not speak it, but our behavior says, "If we just wait, God will provide and good things will happen without our having to do anything."
When we're disrespectful of others, it is easy to think that our behavior is an indication of power and self-esteem. On the contrary it suggests that we care little about ourselves, because we care little about others, For years, I had many excuses for bad behavior: My behavior at the florist's shop was inappropriate. That was no way to speak to anyone. Eventually I went back and made amends for how I spoke to the florist. Self-esteem comes from doing esteemable acts.
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"If we do an honest examination of exactly what we are giving, we are better able to evaluate the results we are getting."Chapter 10 - Emotional Pain - NA Way of Life.
The day before, I was caught up in the crossfire between two people in my life. Could have very easily made it appear as if I'm siding up with one of them, hence in the process, hurting the other... A few times while witnessing this conflict between the two, I felt I must intervene and somehow convince them both out of the destruction they were causing each other...
When I dived deeper into myself, I discovered that it was my inability to deal with the situation and these two persons with the help of the program that is releasing my unmanageability...
I had to admit that I was powerless over the conflict between the two, and I had to just hold back from interfering... I just observed it all from a detached state, trusting that it is between these two and their Higher Powers to resolve this or not, not for me...
I just held on dearly to the principles of detachment and personal integrity, and also realized that although I'm powerless over them and how they think, feel or behave with each other, I still can do what I need to do in this situation when I opened myself to Step Two. As a result, I did much better than I expected myself to, and actually felt so grateful and peaceful later in the evening. Definitely a boost to my self-esteem you know. Just like a member once reminded me that I might be actually doing better than I think I am
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"If we do an honest examination of exactly what we are giving, we are better able to evaluate the results we are getting."Chapter 10 - Emotional Pain - NA Way of Life.
