I don't know if I'm doing the right thing by posting here or not, but I need to reach out to people who understand addiction (also, I plan to attend NA meetings in my area to support my boyfriend while he's going through rehab).

I'm curious if they're going to tell him to stay away from me after he gets out of rehab.  I've never done cocaine without him....I was more of a social user if anything else.  He was using to relieve his stress, and I did it merely out of boredom (we moved to a new town and didn't have many friends...he also has a very bad situation involving his psychotic mother that's so stressful, i don't know how anyone could handle it).  I've stopped completely, and told him that I never want to do it again.  I actually look at the drug with fear and anger, because it's destroying my boyfriend.  I never realized that he was addicted to it.  I had no idea he had been using it almost everyday for the past month...it was more of a rare occasion for the two of us to do it together. 


 A few days ago, he called me up and told me that he's out of control.  That he went to go buy drugs, got jumped, managed to steal their drugs.  He did all that he got his hands on, drank a bottle of hard alcohol, and then went running around his mom's yard (where he's staying at while he's working up here) yelling and screaming about how much he hates his life.  Since then, I've been on edge because I didn't realize how serious his problem was.

Cocaine has already done some serious damage to our relationship. It went from being something we did occasionally (once every couple of weeks) to him using behind my back while he's been back home (another state) working for the summer.  I went with  him, but i haven't been able to stay with him because there's no room where his mother lives for me to stay.  I know that the huge amount of stress (too long of a story to write) he has on him  right now has driven him toward cocaine, which has made him shut out all of the people who care about him, including me.  He said that he wants to make things work between us...that's going to rehab for him...for "us."  I told him that I'm serious about quitting (its already been a few weeks), and that the only way I would stay with him is if he commits himself to getting better.  He says that since he's admitted to having a  problem (which is a big deal) and voluntarily checking himself into rehab, that it should mean that he does want to be with me.

'm very serious about never using cocaine ever again.  I hate the way it makes me feel the next day...I've never felt a craving for it, or had the desire to go out and buy some on my own.  I think now would be the perfect time to stop before it gets out of control.  I told him that I was to be as supportive as I can while he's in rehab.  I'm actually going to counseling so I can better understand his addiction, and help build back up my self-esteem so I can say no if it's ever offered to me again.  My biggest fear is that they're going to tell him to stay away from me because he's used with me in the past.  I love him to death, and I'm beating myself up daily because I have a feeling that if I would've just told him that I wasn't ok with using drugs (I found an empty baggie in a box of stuff from his old apartment...he asked me if i was mad and i said i didn't care) he wouldn't have started using again after being clean for more than 6 months (he did this on his own with no rehab).  That maybe if I really did care about him I wouldn't have done it with him.  I'm scared and alone...I'm stuck up here in this state staying with friends (before I realized how bad things were, we agreed to move our stuff up here, and i've been working on trying to find a place to live).  I'm not even sure what to do.  His mom is trying to keep me out of the loop (she doesn't know that i used with him, and i'm not going to tell her) because she claims I'm an enabler because i gave him vicodin once when he fell off of a ladder (I had a prescription for it that i never used). I'm so scared.