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NA Message Board -> Narcotics Anonymous Message Board -> this is really hard.
Post Info TOPIC: this is really hard.
caitlinsaur


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this is really hard.
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this is the first time i've really been serious about getting clean, and i haven't been to a meeting again since my first one two weeks ago.

and i feel like i'm losing my mind. i'm still clean, but every day it gets harder for me to stay that way. i keep going through my contacts to call someone to score. fortunately, no one's answered. it's stupid of me to even get to that point.

i think i'm scared of being clean and living a different lifestyle. i also think that i'm not worth enough to make the effort to get clean.

this is tough. i knew it would be, but i feel like i'm going to break.

talk me out of this. disbelief.gif

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vinctus sed non victus - bound but not conquered.
BigV


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We are not responsible for our disease, but we are responsible for our recovery. Most of us tried to stop using on our own, but we were unable to live with or without drugs. Eventually we realized that we were powerless over our addiction.


Taken from the step 1 literature

http://www.earthgroupna.org/literature/basictext/step1.htm

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It's all about spirituality...
2ala2


Veteran Member

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Hey,
U gotta do some things you don't wanna do. That worked for me. When I made myself go to meetings, i miracleously stayed clean and after a while they became a biig part of my life. Free therapy lol. Reach out for help face to face. You need not be alone. It doesn't have to be this way. Talk to people from NA. The forum is great but not enough.
Good Luck

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Rayne


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ulimatly it is your choice If your mind is set all we can do is carry the msg not the addict you need to get back to meetings and find a sponsor yea life on life's terms can suck but it does get better this is a feelings disease and when I first got here to NA in 1996 it took me till 2 years ago to realize I deserved recovery as do you but it took forever for me to see that.Please don't make the same mistake I did rember you are important and your perceptions will change just don't give up before the miracle

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hard to be hateful when you are grateful
Raman


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Far as i can tell,, the most imp[ortant thing that happened with me in my early days in recovery was a change in friends,places and things !!!
You know by virtue of being in a treatment centre for some time and then going for a meeting a day for the first few years GAVE ME COMPLETE FREEDOM FROM OLD PLAYMATES,PLAYGROUNDS AND PLAYTHINGS !!!
That was the only way to avoid the DIS-EASE !!!
When my recovery is at work,,, im comfy,serene and mentally clean in addition to being abstinent,, not having used drugs in any form!!
The DIS-EASE is the thing that gets me rattled,angry,afraid,aggressive ,greedy etc !!!
Thats a sign to get into the recovery mode and practice some recovery principle !!!
Nowadays,,, the one strong thing in my recovery is Prayer and Meditation and the bsic principle of honest sharing with another addict !!!
Remember feelings coem and go,,,God is Perfect and God is Forever,,,
God Goodness and Truth is my help in ages past and my hope in years to come,,,My Eternal Source of Recovery !!!
God of Recovery and as you understand Bless you in your recovery and may you get a great sponsor to guide you and great NA Friends who can love you till you learn to love yourself and in turn others !!!

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Raman an addict clean and serene just for today in NA Worldwide ; live to love and love to live the NA Way !!!
epicstars


Newbie

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when I feel like using, I get myself to a meeting.

I heard that said so many times before I tried it, and I thought it was hoky, but I found out that it worked for me, too. When I first cleaned up, I decided that life was over, and proceeded to make that as true as possible by doing nothing for few weeks. I started going to meetings because I was bored, depressed, and dying to get high, but still wanting to stay clean. I was able to laugh there, with other people who had been where I was, and just the jokes kept me going back.
I kept my head down and barely said hello. I did say that I was NEW, though, and no matter how hard I tried to disappear in to the chairs, people kept saying hello to me, and women gave me their numbers.
I am 292 days clean now, and only b/c I keep going, every day at first, to any kind of meting that happened in this little town, and now, regularly, to several NA groups. Best of all I have a few friends, some my own age, even, women who are determined to stay clean today, and we call each other just to check in and say hi, which I need b/c I isolate and then think about getting high sometimes still.
But life is much better today, and it hasnt been that long...do what ever it takes for you to not use today, but give it a shot, it is totally worth it.

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Aliask


Newbie

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Im in the same boat as you. Im on day 8 of being clean from 2 years of prescription drug abuse and I'm sinking into a real depression. There just doesnt seem to be joy in anything. Everything is mundane. I really need a sponsor.

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Tahir


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Aliask, congrats on the big 8 miraculous days clean! Way to go... Keep the miracle alive... and keep sharing with us... reaching out to the fellowship, to other recovering addicts, has been one of the greatest gifts and tools that NA has given me... just to know that I'm not alone, and there are others who have been there and understand was a big relief for me...

Also, being aware of the fact that there is no such problem, crisis or adversity that using can't make worse made the pain of not using more appealing to me than the pain of using... Slow, but sure, this too, shall pass...

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"If we do an honest examination of exactly what we are giving, we are better able to evaluate the results we are getting." Chapter 10 - Emotional Pain - NA Way of Life.
caitlinsaur


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thank you all so much for replying. getting online and reading this really does help.

i've got to go back to another meeting. i have to.

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vinctus sed non victus - bound but not conquered.
Tahir


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Posts: 2406
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Glad to hear from you again, Caitlinsaur. Hope you have a great NA meeting, your next one... Keep coming back, we all need each other here at MIP, together we can accomplish what we cannot accomplish alone by ourself...

Truly, the therapeutic value of one addict helping another is without parallel...

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"If we do an honest examination of exactly what we are giving, we are better able to evaluate the results we are getting." Chapter 10 - Emotional Pain - NA Way of Life.
Kenh


Senior Member

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Posts: 366
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It is really hard in the beginning. Go to meetings, try to hang out with people that don't use drugs. Using is a pathetic lifestyle, we all know it. Be strong and don't go back to it. Being clean is wonderful.

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God is the only one you can depend on in recovery.
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