life is really strange. they say that in this program you'll see people come and go, but to experience it still feels really strange. its like god is the director, and for the sake of autheticity he doesn't tell the actors any of the plot line and just lets them improve their lives until he's bored of this particular story line and then he switches things up, rearranges lives, adds things, subtracts things until its almost barely recognizable and the only way we knew it was different is through fuzzy memories of what might (or might not- since we are suffering from a distorted perception) have happened. i don't know. its weird.
Interesting reading....for me, I don't see God as the director as far as those that come in and go back out. It's more a matter of surrender to his will rather than our own will. It was difficult for me to stay until I surrendered....to the fact that addiction was all I knew and my life was never going to get better until I surrendered. We were blessed with free self-will; some of us took it a bit too far, never understanding that as we grew, we were actually creating are own problems by the overuse of our own free self-will.
Guess that I don't believe God ever gives up on us....we give up on God....when I finally broke down and asked for his help, the answers were there for me....
Today, I allow that power greater than myself into my life each and every day as I sure wasn't so good at driving that bus :)
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Just For Today....I will have faith in someone in NA who believes in me and wants to help me in my recovery.
Indeed, I believe my Higher Power is the director but only if I want my Higher Power to be so... Also, my experiences with my Higher Power has been so that all my desires will be fulfilled, whether it is to experience love in my life or to use. My Higher Power always wants the best for me but it is for me to allow my Higher Power to take care of me or not. There I have a choice. Either ways, my Higher Power sees to it that I get what I need at where I might be in my existential standing at a particular moment. My Higher Power is loving, caring and compassionate, always. My Higher Power's love for me is unconditional, doesn't diminish an inch just because I have faltered or committed a wrong... Coming to believe in such a Higher Power has made my recovery possible today... Nothing happens without my Higher Power's loving, caring and compassionate intention... I might not understand it now, but I have realized that it is so, and sometimes even experienced this universal truth...
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"If we do an honest examination of exactly what we are giving, we are better able to evaluate the results we are getting."Chapter 10 - Emotional Pain - NA Way of Life.
I'm trying to look at everything like theres a purpose to it these days, that helps me stay out of negativity and look for the reasoning behind each situation, each one having a purpose that being for growth.
Which in turns helps me to change my attitude, gives me more peace this way.
Sometimes I feel like i'm in the "Twighlight zone" LOL i'm like " what the hell is going on here", sometimes i panic and fear pops in, sometimes I see something I am repeating and somethings a entirel NEW .
All of this is living life and experiencing it sober and clean, everyday is new and a journey towards better living for today and the future.
thanks for the post NA Rocks. it sums up where i've been at recently. feels good knowing it's my choice to do this. the whole free will thing had me stuck for a while - years ago. now i see i have a choice to follow my higher powers will in my life. i know it's not possible without surrender. the whole program and how it works baffles me but that's ok - i don't have to understand it to allow it to work in my life
i don't think what i said really came from a negative place. like my life has changed so significantly since i got into the program, or at least now i'm actually have realizations that aren't inspired by using. and its strange because now at least i can look back in my life, see a friendship that was endagering my recovery (or that i let him), and by going through that situation it taught me (lets just hope i can keep reminding myself) what i need to do if i plan to stay clean. and now he's in prison, and i'm still not used to the whole "people disapprearing" thing. but to look at myself three months back, or six months back, its just weird to see some sort of transformation and yet you don't see it fully in yourself. like you have to look at it from the corner of your eye, but it keeps moving so fast you can't see the complete image.
it's amazing to realize the growth within yourself. i first saw it within me when another addict was standing in front of me and was in the exact same spot i had been in one month earlier. it's become a huge reference point in my life. it was the first time i became aware of how much i've grown. i really liked what you said about about god directing things. i've experienced it within my life recently. two months ago i was homeless - living in a shelter with my two kids - an infant and a toddler. through an amazing chain of events god gave me a place to live that is large enough for us that i can afford on my income. god put the solution in front of me - i had to make the choice to be a part of it - free will. through NA i am able to remain open and willing to all possibilities and able to make the choice to live what god is putting in front of me.
Your last post Sugaree reminded me of a woman who has alot of time in the program when she spoke about her recovery. She said it didn't seem like she had changed that much but when asked about where she had been to where she was now, she was able to see, as others already saw, that she had come a long way.... :)
That encouraged me more than anything, to look back to what I had been and where I had been, to where I am today....I am forever amazed by this program of NA as it truly works if you work it!! HP included :)
Grateful today for all the addicts who share from their hearts and for their Experience, Strength and HOPE.....always keeps me coming back for more!!!
Love and Hugs to all :)
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Just For Today....I will have faith in someone in NA who believes in me and wants to help me in my recovery.
