man I am working my 4th step for the i don't know how many at this point not trying to keep up and my abandonment issues are so unmanagable and again I am powerless I am so scared and i don't think this feeling is rational so i am really not sure what to do with it I have told my sponser and my mom and tommorrow I will tell my therapist maybe I can calm this down. the only thing else I new to do was to writer here and hope someone understand or has been here. I just know i am all worked up and for no reason I assume at this point i am not sure Love in Recovery Manon aka Rayne
I only express my experience and it in NO WAY reflects on NA as a whole
*WARNING*
Alright, now that that's out of the way....
Welcome to the big leagues sparky! Guess what, each fourth step, 10th step, and all those in between dig a little deeper each time and FORCE us to face our worst enemy......OURSELVES....... Scary aint it?
Last one I did revealed that after four years IO still have a hatred of "god" in even the most general sense, and I still struggle with it, put it off, and cover it up every chance I get. Makes it real hard to do a 6th and 7th step..... My sponsor told me to pray for the willingness to be willing, and I did for two days, now I am slacking off and not doing the work cause I treid and I lost some things I wanted......still the spoiled rotten brat, just alittle more willing to admit it is all.
But the point is, for me anyway, that is BIG growth. Even 6 months ago I wouldn't have admitted that to anyone. So it works, and for me it seems it never works the way I want it...LOL....which is also a good thing. HAng in there little sister, it 's only as scary as you make it.
Peace out,
Brett
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Faith: the substance of things hoped for, the belief in things unseen
We come face to face with ourselves at first its an ugly picture then once you realize that your just like a whole lot of other people it aint so horrible HEH HEH.
I have plenty of stuff from the past i can dwell on, thats like taking a hammer and hitting myself over and over again.
I can't change anything that happened so I have to accept it then MOVE ON the only reason it stays is because we want it to stay, its FAMILIAR warm and comfy like a pile of shiznit............but we realize its stinkin up today
I also felt like that Rayne initially when I did my fourth. But my Sponsor told me that the idea is not to go back into the past, relive those incidents and dwell in them, but to look at it for what it is, unlock those blocks that might have arisen as a result of those incidents, and let it go. To take what we find about ourselves, and make use of that in the present. Also reversing the process of blame is an important thing that I did in my Fourth by acknowledging and owning my part as that is all that I need to look at in my Fourth.
As time goes by, I'm sure, you'll also realize that our past is a treasure trove from which we can draw the wisdom we need, from our own experiences to live free today... The fourth step is not about whipping myself or self-flagellation... it's about observing and accepting what we really are in a loving way just as our Higher Power does over us all the time... Be more gentle on yourself, and most importantly don't forget the virtues you unearth from your fourth. They are our strong points... focus on that part too...
And yes, constantly and consciously applying the first Three Steps while doing fourth is the most powerful way of going about it, these three are the wings of freedom that will see us through the fourth...
All the best, Rayne, and thank you so much for sharing. Stay on the course and get done with your Fifth. My Sponsor used to tell me that I must do the Fourth as if a dragon is breathing down my neck... and get on with my Fifth... Trust this process, no matter what... I did just that, and I'm grateful that I did...
-- Edited by Tahir at 17:31, 2007-05-15
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"If we do an honest examination of exactly what we are giving, we are better able to evaluate the results we are getting."Chapter 10 - Emotional Pain - NA Way of Life.
well went to therapy today now i cannot quit crying I wanna run and as fast and as far as I can but I will be there when I get there i will be going to a meeting soon I was sharing in the chat room the other night about some of this and ended up in a net split so what I was sharing was not heard and that made me realize i have invested too much time in the chat room I need to be focusing on my recovery and this 4thstep if it does not kill me first learned alot about myself today and no I did not like it at all I thought I was just the opposite it seems I have walls (plural) around me 3 of them as it was explained to me one really close one a little further and again another one more out there my therapist has just made it thru the first one barely my ex husband got all the way then with fear I shoved him out of the picture in less than a year to know I sabvatoge my relationships hurts I am not real sure on how to fix it yet it might be a process but that is okay I am in no hurry for someone to get to close. That might be another reason I want away from the chat I have made friends and that scares me that and I still have not had a real break someone always has a ? they think I only have the answer to or mad cause their shit caught up with them I don't cosign BS I need a real break so if you all could pull together and help the chat I would appreciate it but I cannot save face and ass at the same time. I need to take care of me I am breaking down and fast I have to catch up with life it seems I let it pass me by love your sister in recovery Manon aka Rayne
Rayne, please do what you feel is right for you right now. We are all with you. Personal recovery comes first. We are so grateful that we have you here with us. But please take care of yourself, first and foremost. Don't worry. Our Higher Power will always see to it that NA groups go on thru some members or the others... Trust our Higher Power on this... Shall have you in my thoughts and prayers...
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"If we do an honest examination of exactly what we are giving, we are better able to evaluate the results we are getting."Chapter 10 - Emotional Pain - NA Way of Life.
hey you! WOW! I am working on my fourth step right now too. and I have abandonment issues as well. What I have noticed is that this affects me everyday in some way already. I am just getting it down on paper, facing it and allowing myself to begin the healing process. I am so proud of you and thankyou for sharing this with us. I heard this saying once and I like to remind myself this ( everything is already okay) and one day you are going to be able to help someone else with your expeiriance with this. I love you rayne.
Hey Rayne - I know exactly how you feel. I too am in therapy and have been working on the issues that have plagued me for years. Abandonment being one of them. It is really hard to face, and especially difficult while looking at yourself under a microscope as we do in the Step 4. For me, sometimes it is easier to look at the abandonment as a weakness of the abandoner, that they just couldn't face responsibilities, which in turn taught us not to face them either.
I don't know what type of abandonment you have gone through, but this is a process and we do not get better overnight (even without the drugs)! It may take time, but I promise there will be many beautiful rewards waiting at the end of your journey through that difficult time.
Hope this helped, and if you want, you can e-mail me. Take Care!!!! Love ya!!!!
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The Triumph is not in succeeding, but in not being afraid to fail.
6 months into this realtionship and it's ended in a break up and I identified one of the feelings as abandonment, I saw it in my last breakup also.
I think its a powerless feeling that is involved here, i know this is probably nothing compared to what others go thru but maybe since mines so mild I can identify it better without alot of confusion and emotions involved .
What do we do when we're powerless, we turn it over to a higher power what don't we do, try to change it, control it, fix it, RUN from it, we have to face it and accept the situation for what it is and it is out of our hands out of our control we have to manage our feelings and not lose control of what we're responsible for and that is our recovery.
OK maybe i'm talkin out my butt, it's where i'm at too, it hurts and it's painful and I feel responsible for whats happened but i'm not totally responsible for what someone else has done all I need to take care of is MY SIDE OF THE STREET and maybe say a prayer for the others involved. it also helps to realize that others are also sick, brings compassion into the situation qwells the hurt and anger and resentment I really had to see this to get past the pain I had over my Dad and the hate I had felt towards him for many many years, and it was also blame, once the hate and resntemnt was gone the blaming stopped and i took responsibilty for me.......
