for the past few days i've been dealing with overwhelming feelings, and i'm not scared of using because i have another addiction (self-injury) that sort of acts as a buffer to my drug addiction and i worry sometimes that if i didn't have it that i'd go out and use at times. but still, its just a cross-addiction, but then it preceeded the drug use, but i don't know. arg. so can anyone relate?
I think its closely related to drug use its just another way of relieving emotions.
Might try working step one on this if you feel powerless over the behavior.
Theres alot of things we all do that are harmful and these things should stop in time, somethings like for me personally, the emotions of anger gets the best of me at times and I just go with it and let it poor out not thinking of the results, instant gratification rather then patience and feeling uncomfortable about something this is also a control issue for me thats OUT of control.
Its unmanageabilty for sure.
Like to hear others take on this thanks Maddock glad to see you posting asking opinions and sharing, good for you
for the past few days i've been dealing with overwhelming feelings, and i'm not scared of using because i have another addiction (self-injury) that sort of acts as a buffer to my drug addiction and i worry sometimes that if i didn't have it that i'd go out and use at times. but still, its just a cross-addiction, but then it preceeded the drug use, but i don't know. arg. so can anyone relate?
In my time clean, I found once I quit using, that there were other things wrong with me that I had never dreamed of being possible, completely related (or unrelated) to my using.
I am a bipolar, which basically means when things are great I fly high and don't sleep which eventually leads to depression, suicidal thoughts, and the inability to cope with anything but the bare essentials (like breathing). There is no middle ground.
Now, Did i start using to cope with that? Or is my using a direct link to the chemical imbalance causing the bipolar disorder? I may never know. But the fact is, it isn't healthy to be extremely aggressive, or depressed, so I have to seek outside help to releive those issues. I know other people that have said what you said, and my suggestion to you is go see a doctor, and see what they have to say about it. That is actually part of the first step! Took me a long time to find out that the steps aren't just about the drugs, they apply to real life too! When I go to the doctor for my issue, I am admitting I am powerless, my life is unmanagable, and that something outside of me can restore sanity, so in all actuality I am practicing the first two steps just by seeking that help! Amazing aint it?
Anyway, I hope that you find your way little bro, and I'll be around just for today.....
Peace out
Brett
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Faith: the substance of things hoped for, the belief in things unseen
In my experiences, I have found that Self-Injury is just another expression of my addiction, once having triggered it with the first cut, I cannot stop. I'm a recovering self-injurer. I was cutting thru my first year of recovery too. Sometimes, the emotional pain would be so unbearable that I need to cut to transform the mental and emotional pain into a physical pain, and bring it out of my body thru slashing it open and letting it out thru the blood. It gave me a feeling of control, peace and the ability to bear the pain, not use or commit suicide. Everytime I cut, I chose not to give up, not to die.
The problem is that I'm an addict, I have a disease called addiction. Just like the drugs themselves became a problem for me, cutting over time instead of giving me a release, became a problem by itself, just as serious as my using, and sometimes, even worse. Before my last relapse, when I was 7 months clean for the first time in my life, it all started by cutting. Little did I realize that I was substituting cutting for using. The release of endorphines when I cut gave me enough high and acted as a release. After the first cut, it made me feel so miserable that here I was in recovery but indulging in self-injury. The feelings of guilt and misery led me eventually back to using, and I relapsed.
However, I could not use for more than a couple of days. After having tasted some recovery in the NA program, my relapse was like dying a hundred times again and again, every moment of those two days that I used. When I cleaned up again, I felt miserable for my first 3 months of recovery. I could have gone back and used every one of those days, but didn't, as I could not bear to face the agony of using no more.
I realized one thing but. It all started because I gave in to my urges to cut. And when I cut, I released my addiction all over again. I identified the obsession to cut as a relapse indicator. I had to apply my first step, admit my powerlessness and unmanageability over cutting, and stay away from the first cut, just like I did with drugs. I had to tell myself every morning that Just For Today, I don't have to cut, no matter what. That cutting is no different from using, and in order to stay clean and in recovery, I must abstain from cutting too no matter what, JFT.
On the other hand, I started identifying those feelings that triggered my obsession to cut and started adressing them with the help of the program; I dived deeper into myself thru my fourth step to see why I want to cut, what is the underlying feelings in me that urge me to cut, what is it that I want to escape from thru cutting ~ is it anger, frustration or hopelessness over something, is it depression, anxiety, loneliness? Once I started identifying the these base thoughts and feelings that drive me to cut and started coping with them by working the tools of the program over them, I found that I have replaced the unhealthy and addictive coping mechanism of cutting with healthier ways to deal and cope with the same issues. I gradually felt free from the obsession of cutting, or resorting to other ways of self-injury.
Please forgive me if I have shared something that is not allowed here at the forum. It just gushed out of my heart as soon as I read this post. I have been there. And have experienced how terrible it is to be there... Hence I felt the urgency to share what I went thru. There is a way. I don't have to cut. I don't have to use. With the help of the Twelve Steps, I can arrest my addiction, be it with drugs or self injury or sex or gambling or compulsive shopping...
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"If we do an honest examination of exactly what we are giving, we are better able to evaluate the results we are getting."Chapter 10 - Emotional Pain - NA Way of Life.
