Coming up on 2 years on May 17. My disease is really messing with my head right now. Had an small argument with my husband two days ago, and since have been thinking about my dealer. I can still remember her number. My disease tells me to call and check to see if the number is still in service and that that's all I will do. But, I know if I make contact with anyone connected with my past, I WILL get high. I have gained so much in the past two years. I know that if I get high, I will have thrown it all away. However, I am obsessed with this thought, the phone number just keeps running through my head.
I have also been dealing with a lot of stuff from my past in therapy. My mom's murder, which I had run from for 26 years - and in a way, I think I am still running. I thought I had dealt with the grief recently, but it seems that there is still more there. I am really hurting.
I have two daughters, and I know that I will lose more than myself if I use, I will lose the trust and respect that I have earned by doing the work that I have done. Sorry - it helps to put this down in writing. For some reason it seems much more real.
I don't want to go back to active addiction, just want to be happy. I tried to get on the chat room, but my computer at home won't allow me to. So, if anyone is reading this, please respond. I can really use some support.
I told my sponsor about my thoughts, but putting it in writing has helped more for some reason. Thanks!
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The Triumph is not in succeeding, but in not being afraid to fail.
Maggie your taking all the right steps, it's natural you feel this way under the circumtances and the program tells us that our actions and behaviors behind our feelings and emotions do change. This too shall pass.
You know I woke up this morning having conference with my higher power, weird i was talking with him in my sleep. anyhow I woke with a thought this thing really only takes 2 practical ideas to work, they are WILLINGNESS and FAITH it's that simple, AH simple for some people not so simple for us though.
I like simple I like to also complicate thats a contradiction maybe this is how our minds work contradicting everything? I think so.
YOu are doing fine, keep doing what your doing you are clean right now I assume? you must be doing something right and for 2 years? CONGRATULATIONS.
Thanks so much for all of your support. Yes, I am still clean, and have lost the obsession to make that call. Thank God (as I understand Him). I just needed to open up and allow myself to feel my feelings.
As addicts we tend to not allow ourselves to be where we are. For instance, I kept thinking that I had gotten past the "grieving" for my mom. But, will I ever really get past that? And, if I don't, is it okay? I still find myself trying to stuff the feelings, and that's when I get stuck! I have to give myself permission to feel how I feel and know that yes - this too shall pass! So, thank you NA for giving me a chance to know who I am, and the courage and faith to stand and face my feelings and know that they won't kill me -- but my disease will if I allow it to.
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The Triumph is not in succeeding, but in not being afraid to fail.
