How to live in step one, a question that NEVER gets old......
Personally, I try and get up everyday and say to myself.....
Self? You can't take drugs, cause after the first one, you have no idea what the result will be, and by the way self, you life is a mess becase of your using history.
SAYING that is all well and good, but I damn well BELIEVE it too, or it is as usless as boots on a bullfrog.
Nuff said
Brett
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Faith: the substance of things hoped for, the belief in things unseen
Working Step One with my first Sponsor actually gave me the permission to not use, for the first time in my life ever. It set me free through the realization that I cannot ever gain control over my using for the rest of my life, no matter how much I try to exert my willpower or self-control over drugs. This acceptance led me to a calm that I never experienced before.
As a result, drugs, the pleasures associated with it, my using friends, my using places, the connections, all ceased to exist from my daily life. I could no more put myself there among these people, places and playthings as I truly owned, acknowledged and embraced the fact that I was powerless over my addiction, and I cannot by myself abstain from using and stay stopped, no matter how hard I tried, in whatever way I could.
Also, I came to identify my obsession, compulsion, denial, self-centeredness, and void, the way these aspects of my addiction manifested in me, in my thoughts, emotions and behavior clearly in the light of Step One and my Sponsor's guidance.
And in some ways, it was a great relief for me to admit that I was an addict. Because it meant that I no more had to fight the hopeless fight. I admitted my defeat completely. But in that admission, I found peace, at last.
Another realization for which I'm grateful to my Higher Power and Step One was that my using was only one aspect of my addiction, and that I was actually powerless over not merely drugs, but the disease of addiction as a whole, that manifests and expresses itself in many other ways, even when I'm clean ~ mentally, emotionally, socially, spiritually.
Applying Step One on people and situations in my early recovery was very rewarding. If not for this Step, I could have very easily drifted back to my addictive ways in trying to control and change people and circumstances around me. For anything or anyone that disturbed me in my early recovery, Step One was my mantra.
I realized that there is only one thing in the entire universe that I could possibly change ~ myself. Other than that, I am powerless over my family, the way they thought and felt and behaved... I was powerless over my defects of character... my thoughts and feelings... If I tried to control any of these things or act out on them, my recovery becomes unmanageable... I lose my sanity...
When I applied Step One on all these areas too, I found that I was not so disturbed or annoyed when things did not go my way, when people did not think or act or behave as I want them too... Instead of spending hours and days and weeks in frustration and anger, all I had to do was apply the first step, and free myself from the clutches of my addictive pattern...
Today, I continue to apply this step in my daily life, and the areas where my addiction threatens to rear it's ugly head, in my relationship (urge to control), compulsive shopping (sudden bursts of shopping sprees to fill my void), self injury (this was one way my addiction expressed itself in me from even before I started using), and believe me, IT WORKS! I'm grateful that I have this all-encompassing tool of Step One in my recovery today.
Living this Step actually opens the doorway to tap into the greatest power that I can ever get in my life. Because only when I'm in that state of complete powerlessness do I allow a power greater than me to do what I cannot do for myself... With this awareness and understanding of my powerlessness and unmanageability, I look up to Step Two and open my mind to a Power greater than my addiction...
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"If we do an honest examination of exactly what we are giving, we are better able to evaluate the results we are getting."Chapter 10 - Emotional Pain - NA Way of Life.
Something I learned after relapsing was why step one has 2 parts.
For me the unmangeable nature of my addiction is powerlesness like Tahir mentioned we are powerless over people places things and situations.
What happens when we fight against that? we lose, just like when we use we lose we're powerless over that aspect of our addiction also , the using, so the whole thing fits together.
If you don't get some manageabilty in your life your likely to use again, at least some management over your drug use is a start but for me the frustration of not being able to control things dug down deep inside of me hence I went back to using and that don't work either just makes everything worse.
And as Brett said you damn well better believe your powerless over drugs or this is hopeless, it takes surrendering any belief that you can continue to use successfully, and believe me your mind and addiction are going to play alot of games but you don't have to go for that ride just recognize what it is telling you that one hit or one pill won't hurt.ones too many thousands never enough if your a real addict, in time you will find that out if not already.
Magellan what i've seen you post so far your doing great, ask anything you need some answers on or help with its what we're all here for , YOU...
