I am kinda hesitant to share here last time I did someone got on me for word choice.I am in a bad space. Just a point where I can only deal with so much and not really caring the outcome and at the same time scared that I have reached this point. I really do not know what happen maybe I never bounced back from some resentment I am dealing with in step 4 or maybe it is abuse issues I am also dealin withor I guess I just need to surrender to a simple and free program that Ihave begun to take for granted. but how did I get here?? I don't wanna be here. I lost my cloud and my way it seems. To humble myself like this is hard. Reaching out is not my strong point I am strong enough on my own or so I think. Deep down I know better. I know alone I cannot but together we can. It makes things tough tho I try to reach out in my area and I get no response I am not really sure what i am doing wrong. alt I have all those but the H in halt. I wanna to relax and can't there is always something that has to be done. I am going to sit down all day tommorrow and write my 4th stp and quit avoiding it and go to a mtg out of my house and see if that helps. I know what to do I tell ya'll all the time but now I need to take my own sugestions. Love in recovery Manon aka Rayne
Hi Rayne,, hope yu dont mind,,, just some sage advice from someone whos been thru a lot of ups(mostly ups )and downs in the sharing process !!! Many a time after a good sharing Ive felt vulnerable,,,just like after a great sex session,,,, a spirit.ual high !1 ive taken that feeling with me home and stayed cool,,, but at times someone will try to contradict tht or take a very voiceferous opposition to somehing that was hared,,, many times ive accepted any changes I need to make in my choice of word,, behaviour etc... many time si know because of the attention i get someones getting real JJJJJJ ! So i try to remember an old recovery adage= If I am humble i cannot be humiliated,, but if I get humiliated than getting humble over that is difficult,, so i may as well stay humble at the start !! I know i cannot please each and every one,,,, but i wll not wilfullyy harm someone just cause im jealous,,, and when im the target,, either i try and get out of the way or theres wisdom in defending my position,,, especially if in my heart im convinced im right !! Done become too concious or sensitive to critisism,,
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Raman an addict clean and serene just for today in NA Worldwide ; live to love and love to live the NA Way !!!
Yeah Raman may be right your just vulnerable right now and the way we are we get on the defense really quik and hard like.
Let yourself stay open, be ok with feeling the hurt , cry Rayne I have cried BUCKETS in the last years while trying to keep clean its cleansing it releases that junk inside of us and give it room to escape.
Last year it seemed that especially when I got in the shower I would just start balling, and I let the water just wash all that away and out of me I don't cry as much anymore I think that is a good thing I don't feel the way I used to anymore something inside has and is changing.
*sigh* Doyou know how many times in the past four years I have felt that exact same way? I probably don't either, but I remember those times far more than the good ones. Rayne, I have wanted to die while being clean. Trying to work the steps, and taking meds for bipolar disorder. Sometimes, shit happens, and we just have to wade through it. Now I know there's supposed to be some silver lining or some happy place or some other bullshit reading or quote or cute little saying I am supposed to share to make you feel better, but I have found that for me is more frustrating than the truth.
Truth is for me, I don't have as many bad times as i think I do, and since I am clean I think I shouldn't have ANY bad spots to deal with. There goes my thinking again.... see what i mean? We all suffer in recovery, difference is we feel that versus covering it up. Welcome to the big leagues sparky.
SO I bet that sounds really negative, well it isn't. If things were bad for me all the time I wouldn't still be clean now would I? I have had some good things happen too, it just seems the bad outweighs them somehow. In any case, when i get like you are, I hang on to the fact that I am clean damnit and nothing or noboday can take THAT from me except me.
Now for the quote.....
Feeling bad? THIS TOO SHALL PASS
Feeling good? THIS TOO SHALL PASS
peace out
Brett
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Faith: the substance of things hoped for, the belief in things unseen
(((((Manon))))) having you in my thoughts and prayers. Hope you feel better now. Thanks for sharing your pain. WE CAN!
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"If we do an honest examination of exactly what we are giving, we are better able to evaluate the results we are getting."Chapter 10 - Emotional Pain - NA Way of Life.
thanx ever so much for your support things are looking up guess just going thru a rough time although it is better just feeling which means I am alive we will make it
Hey Vini, I have to agree with Sandra. But then, there is a saying that goes, "you spot it, you got it." Maybe, that's why we love it that you are a nut... lol...
Rayne, glad that things are lookin' up... when there is a storm in my life, I'm sure that the calm is not far away...
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"If we do an honest examination of exactly what we are giving, we are better able to evaluate the results we are getting."Chapter 10 - Emotional Pain - NA Way of Life.
