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NA Message Board -> Narcotics Anonymous Message Board -> Help Please!
Post Info TOPIC: Help Please!
Dead End


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Help Please!
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Hi all!

I'm not sure that i'm in the right place, but i've been searching this morning for some sort of support and really, this is the closest i could find.  i'm hoping that someone here will be able to point me in the right direction, or perhaps even offer some much needed advice.....

Here's my situation......

I'm 28 and a single mom to a wonderful 3 year old little girl.  I am not an addict, her dad is.  When she was 2 months old, I left him due to his addictions.....cocaine, weed, steroids.  I couldn't deal with it and because of all the drugs, he was also a rageaholic.....his temper was bad enough on the odd time he was sober, but if he was coming down, watch out.  so I left.  It was the most difficult decision, but he was abusive towards me, and in turn to our daughter. I didn't want her to grow up like that.  (Please keep in mind, this was not overnight, I tried to help him for appr one year before i left). 

When I left him, he went on a downward spiral....became even more involved with cocaine.....we were beginning to plan an intervention for him, but his best friend, who really had all of the information was not willing to help me.  Then that fall....fall 2004, he broke his humorous (his elbow) by arm wrestling.....the surgeons said it was because of the steroids....they had made his bones so weak.  Since his surgery, he has also been addicted to pain killers. 

Over the last bit, about the last year in particular, I really thought that he had gotten over some of this.....i knew that he wasn't 100% clean, but he had sworn to me that he wasn't doing steroids anymore and that there was no more coke.  I knew that he was still doing coke on occassion, but i really thought it was just that.

I found out last night that i was wrong.  He has been using consistently all along.  I feel like a complete idiot....fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me type of thing.  I'm very scared that he is going to end up dead or in jail. 

He is now estranged from his mother....due to all of this (more to that story for sure) she has basically written him off, since beginning of January.  Recently he has become estranged from his father....and really i'm the only one left in his corner, but i'm feeling that i really can't be anymore.  There really is just so much to this story, but that is the jist of it for now. 

i'm really just looking for a way to cope with this whole situation.  Obviously i'm becoming increasingly concerned for my daughters well being as he is very much involved in her life.  I consider myself a very open individual, and i do understand what has lead him to the place that he is.  I also think that is my downfall because i don't know how to make him be responsible for his actions.

any advice or guidance would be greatly appreciated.  Thank you so much in advance and take care.

Dead End

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sugaree


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hi dead end,

i can only share my experience strength and hope from what i've been through....i'm a single mom too..i'm 24...my son is 2 and 1/2, my daughter is 9 months.  I'm an addict and so is their father.  I know for myself the only way i can stay clean is by being completely involved in a recovery program.  Any time i've stopped going to meetings, working with a sponsor and practicing spiritual principles in my life, i use.  I've seen it happen to my kid's father (mike) too.  After relapsing twice since coming to NA 3 years ago after a little bit of clean time each time, i knew when i came back into the program this time i'd have to do this away from mike and on my own.  It's hard....real hard, juggling 2 kids, a full time job and recovery.

I've been homeless the last month and a half, living in a shelter with my kids until i got into a transitional house.  I'm terrified doing it by myself but  i know what i'm signing up for if i chose to go back with their father right now.  I know he can't be there for me or our kids until he learns how to take care of himself.  all i can to to support him is be an example through to way i live.  i can carry the message, not the addict.  i've tried carrying him for the last 4 years, it hasn't worked.  what i'm doing now may not work as far as him staying clean either, because it's HIS choice - not mine, but at least i won't be sinking with him if he choses to use.  Take care of you and your little girl.  I've learned the hard way several times that if my kid's father isn't taking care of himself, he can't take care of me or our children in any capacity, the same goes for me.....when i'm not in recovery i can't take care of me or my kids.  

look for local al-anon or nar-anon meetings in your area or attend an open NA meeting and get with someone after the meeting and tell them what you're going through.  the help is out there.  addiction is a family disease.   good luck with everything......put yourself and your daughter first.  trust something bigger than yourself to care for you....your higher power is there for you.

love, jess

-- Edited by sugaree at 11:50, 2007-04-08

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Dead End


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Jess,

thank you so much for your reply.  I think that I have finally come to terms with the fact that I can't save him......what i'm looking for now is some mechanisms to cope with him.  I don't want to be an enabler and this is completely affecting my life as well......what can I do to make the situation easier to deal with?? How can I draw the line? Is there anything that an addict will respond to? As someone that has never faced an addiction (besides cigarettes) I just don't know if I am enabling him or encouraging him.  It seems like everytime something happens in his life, it becomes my problem....especially now that he is estranged from his parents.  Is there a way i can flip that around to make his problem his responsibility and not mine?? For example, he's having a problem with his truck right now....because of a decision he made to have his ex girlfriend, also an addict over to his place.....she messed with his truck and now he expects ME to fix the problem....he's asked me to use my Visa to get him a rental, that he will give me the money, but he doesn't have a credit card.  He's made it my problem by saying that the police will pull him over and our daughter will be with him?

I guess that is why i was kind of drawn to this board.....to find out from individuals that have been there if there is anything i can do. 

I know that there are resources in my community, however my mom has no knowledge of how deep his addictions run and i am not prepared to tell her everything at this point....so actually going to meetings is not an option right now. 

Thank you so much for your response.....I really appreciate it!
Take Care and God Bless

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JasonD


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You can chat with the people(including my wife) over at http://naranoncafe.com Send him our way when he is ready. Happy Easter.

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Brett thomas


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As Jason has already so kindly stated, there are al-anon and narc-anon rooms for family members that are trying to cope with an addict or alcoholic in the family.

First off this page, http://www.12stepforums.net/, has lots of information for you to look through, and even a al-anon chat room where you may be able to talk to others in the same situation.

Secondly, I just read a chapter called working with others in the big book (aa Literature) and it specificallly states to work with family as well as the addict or alcoholic. I am an addict myself, and I can tell you that once I cleaned up and stayed that way I was loathe to face the pain I caused family, and still to this day I am selfish over it. Your husband is not a hopeless case, but the only way for most addicts to see their way clear is to lose what is most valuable to them. That is true in my case. I had a wife and son that left me in NY because of my using. The next three years I used even more, looking to escape the pain it caused me, until I had no where left to go but AA and NA.

Even after all that it took another three years for me to start facing family issues, and I am still not good at it, but I am making the effort. I guess what I am getting at is it may take some time for your husband to come around. In the meantime, there are people here for you that can surely relate and share some hope with you on the matter. It isn't an easy program, but it is simple. I sinserely hope for your husband that he will have that moment of clarity where he can see drugs aren't the solution, they are the problem.

Thanks for letting me share,

Brett

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Faith: the substance of things hoped for, the belief in things unseen
Jenna


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I went to a psychic recently who told me there are 3 things about a person that can never change. Gambling, stingy and a drug addict. In that case there is no hope for any of us!

I never told her anything about me but she started to go into cocaine addiction and I was kinda' stunned she brought it up. It just all seemed to come out of nowhere. I felt like she could read through me and I never went back.

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This is stupid. WHy the hell am I here?
we can


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True Jenna we will always be addicts but with the help of others in NA we can be addicts in recovery not using and living a much better life. There is no cure for addiction but NA offers us freedom from active addiction. I think you are here because your meant to be, we can help if you let us.

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SANDRA together WE CAN recover
Tahir


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We cannot change the nature of the addict or addiction. We can help to change the old lie "Once an addict, always an addict" by striving to make recovery more available. God, help us to remember this difference.

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"If we do an honest examination of exactly what we are giving, we are better able to evaluate the results we are getting." Chapter 10 - Emotional Pain - NA Way of Life.
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