I haven't had a real great start to my recovery some of you guys know some of you don't, but in anycase, here's my latest dilema. (oh my god, don't panic, people with a lil bit of clean time actually have issues too).
Fear, or Fucking Enviousness And Resentment as it is better known, has been chipping away at my foundation recently. I simply want to be a member of society, but my past keeps coming up and biting me on the ass, thus preventing me from becoming what I may be capable of. I am damn sure tired of waiting, and I want to be selfish and ask where's mine at damnit.
Well, I shared in a meeting f2f as you guys say, I suppose it stands for face to face, anyway......
Someone said Justified anger isn't for the addict or alcoholic. Ouch. SOmeone else said faith is the opposite of fear. Ouch again.
SO I guess I am wondering what my Higher Power is allowing me to be punished for again and again, if the point of the program is to be a functional member of society. I can't function until my past is resolved, but we aren't supposed to dwell in our past. Can't live in today, cause my past keeps stomping on it, and the future, I don't even want to think about that part.
I just don't get it i guess, I keep trying to do the right things, just ot keep taking a beat down. After 4 years, It should be better right? I mean I should have Angelina Jolie in the bedroom in a mansion on a hilltop with the beemer by now right?
Shit man, I'd settle for a fat chick, a driver's licence a job and my own place, but I can't even have that.....
Alright, I do need help in the God department..... It just aiont working out for me, so any experience strength and hope would be helpful.
Peace out,
Brett
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Faith: the substance of things hoped for, the belief in things unseen
We all want what we want and usually want it yesterday Brett.
I feel Brett you should dig deeper into the literature , maybe start your day with the just for today and reading a chapter of the book each day and start focusing on some serenity you seem to be deep in question as yo WHY ME well your an addict and have all the traits addicts have and thats a plate full.
I feel for you i am the same way give it to me NOW!!!! why can't I have what I want and need NOW GIMME GIMME GIMME whats that sound like to you Brett?
Hey Brett, as the God thing seems to be a block for you as I understand from your posts, why not just try a Power greater than your addiction? Just a humble suggestion if I might.
As per my understanding of the NA program, I don't need to believe necessarily in a God to deal with my fears. God is just one of many concepts of what a Higher Power can be. A Higher Power can be the NA group, the spiritual principles, conscience, nature, universe, everything and everyone everywhere, or anything that I think works for me. The point is to open my mind and believe that it will work for me... the only suggested guidelines in NA are that this power be loving, caring and greater than myself.
And for me, fear is a trait that is a part of every human being. Just that being an addict, I tend to get obsessed with my fears to an extent that it cripples my daily life sometimes. Accepting this fact that I cannot be exempt from fears as such allows me to learn to deal with these fears, and move on, inspite of these fears, with an awareness that just because I get these thoughts and feelings of fear today, I don't have to submit to them.
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"If we do an honest examination of exactly what we are giving, we are better able to evaluate the results we are getting."Chapter 10 - Emotional Pain - NA Way of Life.
(((BRETT))) I feel for you man, someone here in the chat room the other day said his god was Group Of Druggies lol ...that is so true for me to the recovering addicts here and in the meetings are a power greater than my self. I think more important then trying to get your head around the whole god thing you just got to have faith, faith in the program, faith in the process, faith in your self...dam you didn't stay clean for 4 years cause your lucky! You had to have worked at it, you didn't go out when times were tough so have some faith in Brett. About the past biting you in the ass, although we try to stay in the day we still have to take the time to clean up the mess we made out there, if you can find a way to resolve the issues of your past it wont be able to sneak up and bite you anymore. Just my 2 cents Brett dam you have been clean twice as long as me what the hell do I know. Just hate to see my fellow addicts in pain, love ya man keep on keeping on!
I was doing some reading this evening and found some good stuff for you brett and for me too, here are some excerts from chapter 8:
In the past, there was no hope for an addict. In Narcotics Anonymous, we learn to share the loneliness, anger and fear that addicts have in common and cannot control. Our old ideas are what got us into trouble. We weren't oriented toward fulfillment; we focused on the emptiness and worthlessness of it all. We could not deal with success, so failure became a way of life. In recovery, failures are only temporary setbacks rather than links in an unbreakable chain. Honesty, open-mindedness and willingness to change are all new attitudes that help us admit our faults and ask for help. We are no longer compelled to act against our true nature and do things we don't really want to do.
In our recovery, we find it essential to accept reality. Once we can do this, we do not find it necessary to use drugs in an attempt to change our perceptions. Without drugs, we have a chance to begin functioning as useful human beings, if we accept ourselves and the world exactly as it is. We learn that conflicts are a part of reality, and we learn new ways to resolve them instead of running from them. They are a part of the real world. We learn not to become emotionally involved with problems. We deal with what is at hand and try not to force solutions. We have learned that if a solution isn't practical, it isn't spiritual. In the past, we made simple situations into problems; we made mountains out of molehills. Our best ideas got us here. In recovery, we learn to depend on a Power greater than ourselves. We don't have all the answers or solutions, but we can learn to live without drugs. We can stay clean and enjoy life, if we remember to live "Just for Today".
From "day one", the Twelve Steps become a part of our lives. At first, we may be filled with negativity, and only allow the First Step to take hold. Later, we have less fear and can use these tools more fully and to our greater advantage. We realize that old feelings and fears are symptoms of our disease. Real freedom is now possible.
As long as we can accept life on lifes terms we don't need to use, the tough part is doing it.
Alright already..... sheesh..... I love you guys and I hear yas.... trust me, thank god y'all are around.
Yeah, i know the "spiritual" god thang don't work for me, never has never will, which leaves me with a bunch of damn addicts telling me when they piss down my back that it is really rain.
Now that the bitterness is out, I hear you.... I am trying, and I haven't quit, but damn man, give it a break already. Just a simple driving PERMIT would be nice... try NOT driving for four years, and get to work every day via someone else. PAy half your pay to a taxi driver, and see how YOU like it. I am not pity potting, just gotta vent some damn where.
In all seriousness, I am still clean. Why I really don't know, left to my own answers I'd have used and been in jail by now, but that hasn't happened. So something works, wether I like it or not.
Maybe that isn't a bright note to newcomers, or old timers, but damn man if I can live through a bunch of shit, y'all can too damnit.
Peace out
Brett
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Faith: the substance of things hoped for, the belief in things unseen
I can't function until my past is resolved, but we aren't supposed to dwell in our past.
So work extra hard at getting past the past.
I am up against my past also right now DOJ is holding up paperwork and keeping me from getting my contractors license now for 5-6 months now and finally I have gotten them to tell me exactly what they need, I have to take a trip down to the DA's office. I absolutely do not like dealing with DA's but I have to go down to there stinkin office and get what I need to get past this hoop.
Brett you obviously have part of step one down your not using and you definetly don't want to use it seems but is there something else missing how about unmanageability? what about step 2 ? what about something like this One thing most of us lacked was a working relationship with a Higher Power. We begin to develop this relationship by simply admitting to the possibility of a Power greater than ourselves.
You know what it says? that there bible and Jesus Matthew 17:19-20 "Then the disciples came to Jesus privately and said, 'Why could we not cast it out?' He said to them, 'Because of your little faith. For truly I tell you, if you have faith the size of a mustard seed, you will say to this mountain, 'Move from here to there,' and it will move; and nothing will be impossible for you."
No let me explain something about myself theres probably noone more self centered and ego driven then myself and especially while I lived in my addiction, i'd literally kill for dope, almost. I like being in control of everything and everyone but my life was constantly out of control even now i am not in control of much other then my own actions even thoughs I have trouble with .
If we dont do the footwork neccessary to change things then it's likely that no miracle will occurr, we have to find , seek out ways to try and make changes in our lives and alot of us sat quietly and shut off our own best thinking and sought through meditation and quietness some answers, remember the mustard seed this takes just a little faith that maybe something out, up, wherever will find a way to communicate with us thru either others or directly.
I have had many DIRECT communications with my higher power some may say I am delussional or schizophrenic I tell you I am not. It's is when i seek out help, shut down my own thinking and listen that i find it to be there in the spirit world, Jesus himself said God is a spirit.
Sometimes things just happen but not all because of me its a working relationship I have faith do a little footwork and the miracles happen, I stay clean and trudge thru situations and God seems to carry me thru it. God carried me thru times so trying I can't even talk about them here, all I had was this ounce of faith that i would get thru it and one day I would have some sembelence of a nice life someday, it's happened I don't have much I got a license and vehicle, a apartment, a girlfriend she's #3 in the last 4 years by the way, I have a good job, money to spend on fun things fishing gold prospecting now, i eat damn good gym membership ect.
All of this I have because of my higher power, he gave it all to me, if i'm down to my last dollar and don't have enough to pay my bills someone will come along and put me to work, out of nowhere this happens over and over and over again and again Brett, sometimes I can hardly believe whats happening to me, and want this for you also I am glad your looking and will pray you find what works for you you can do this I have faith in you also stay the course....
