I had a very difficult time relationship wise this last one week. I had acted out on my anger to such extent that I ended up damaging my wife's laptop last week. I was shocked about my behavior the next day morning and felt exactly the way I had felt when I woke up the next morning after my last relapse... the same feelings of guilt and remorse.
Lately, I find that I have been venting my anger by slamming doors, shouting at the top of my voice, sometimes breaking things (I broke my headphones, even my mobile once last year when I smashed it on the floor), and above all, I have exposed my wife to such violent behavior and only now do I realize how scary it would have been to her all along when I acted out these ways. Last night, a conflict erupted and I ended up saying things to her that I did not mean at all... I expressed to her today that I did not mean that, and made amends too, but I expected her to quickly understand it and respond. I could not see that she is really scared of what I said and the way I behaved last night, and no matter how I try to convince her or make amends, she does not know what to believe, what I said last night or what I say now...
Moreover, I really had to make some career decisions, and found that doing so was also affecting our relationship, as we both work for the same organization. On top of all this, we both are recovering addicts, and as a result codependents too. Sometimes, it really is difficult, considering all the differences we have between us, and most of the times, sanity and love for each other prevails only because we both hold on to our individual recovery programs dearly...
We were on the verge of separation this last week, and believe me, it seemed so real, and has awakened me to the fact that separation can and does happen, inspite of both the partners doing their best to make it work... just because of the differences... not necessarily because one or the other is at fault...
Also, I need to work on my anger... I just hate the person I become when I'm angry... I hate it when I react instead of responding... admitting I'm powerless over my relationship is the most difficult thing to do for me today, but whenever I've done that, I've found direction and peace thru a Power greater than me, like I did, today, when I reached out and really applied my third step...
Thank you for sharing with me, family... grateful that I have a safe environment where I can allow myself to be vulnerable, and to share my fragility... I love you all and I need you all in my recovery...
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"If we do an honest examination of exactly what we are giving, we are better able to evaluate the results we are getting."Chapter 10 - Emotional Pain - NA Way of Life.
Thanks for your share tahir, I have been angry and acted out recklessly in my past also. I have not done it since I've been clean this time around, but I know the guilt and remorse feelings you described.
I wish I had some profound message or some advice, but I dont. All I can say is that I understand and have been there before. I know for me that stress from work disguises itself and I either deny it's affecting me or I truly dont realize it. Maybe that has more to do with it? I hope it gets better for you Tahir. this one may take some time to heal. Words are all you can offer today, but in the long term it will be our actions that matter.
A few weeks ago i blew up on my girl and left her house at 11:30 at night in the middle of a huge rain storm I yelled and screamed at her got in her face even touched my finger on the tip of her nose, I wanted to hit her.
I don't know what happened really i have done an inventory and looked at the thing the whole situation and what i was feeling but it's hard to get back intpo that place and anylize it.
I know this much, I made myself vulnerable and I got something back i didn't expect from her and I got unvulnerable real quik ...I got into attack mode.
We are the types who have had to defend our bad behaviors, today the WORSE thing i can do is blame someone else for my own behavior and where my head is at at that time .
WE HAVE TO TAKE RESPONSIBILITY for our actions and we have to accept that the harm we do to others will cause consequences, before we react to any situation we must think first we have to stop reacting, this takes a great deal of spirituality for us and why this program is so important for people like ourselves.
We're damaged goods Bro, we have deep psychological problems but they can be dealt with thru this program and spirituality I believe that .
I've talked about my last relationship I relapsed over it and things I did to her and said, no I never hit her but the things I said were horrible, we'll never ever be even friends again and those words almost came out of my mouth again the other night with my new girl but you know what i was able to stop this time and walk away I had to get out of there.
And I felt just like i do after relapsing also, thats the unmanageable side of this thing, drugs are just the SYMPTOM of a much deeper problem with us.
I don't know or have the answer i know it takes work, I know we have to learn to be kinder and gentler LOL i know we have to say today ' people love us people really care and love us though we don't feel worthy at least i don't.
I read something today that really made me think, " People love us" HOw do we know this ? we know this when noone tells us that they hate us........
Love you Tahir your my Bro man and i know exactly what your going thru your not alone, and we can overcome this thing together, thankyou so much for sharing i was going to do the same thing sorta chickened out though LOL gave me a chance to share also my experience strength and my hope.
Karl wrote: Thanks for your share tahir, I have been angry and acted out recklessly in my past also. I have not done it since I've been clean this time around, but I know the guilt and remorse feelings you described.
I wish I had some profound message or some advice, but I dont. All I can say is that I understand and have been there before. I know for me that stress from work disguises itself and I either deny it's affecting me or I truly dont realize it. Maybe that has more to do with it? I hope it gets better for you Tahir. this one may take some time to heal. Words are all you can offer today, but in the long term it will be our actions that matter.
I'll keep you both in my prayers
Thanks for sharing that Karl I had to read it over a few times and what really kept jumping out at me was that last line Words are all you can offer today, but in the long term it will be our actions that matter.
Hey (((((Karl & Vini))))) Thank you so much for sharing with me. That was very soothing and consoling for me to go thru both the posts, to realize that I'm not alone, and that together with the help of all of you, I can overcome these shortcomings, and change...
You know what saved me from the disaster of separation was the first step, when I finally stopped all my ways to control the situation and my partner, and just admitted my powerlessness over the relationship and her, the moment I did that, I could shake myself out of the problem, and flow into the solution... and then I could slowly accept that I cannot do a thing about what's happening by myself, and open my mind to my Higher Power, the moment I did it, the miracle happened... I skipped my bus out of town, called her, came back home, owned my part, made amends, we sat down and had a talk, in a clear and respectful way, and reconciled... Now, we are back to our intimate best... the help and guidance I got from you guys and the other members whom I reached out to in these couple of days actually made the big difference... the response I got from you all gave me the strength and hope I needed in this time of despair... I'm glad to really shout at the height of my voice today that I CAN'T BUT WE CAN... Because it is sure advantageous for me that I can't alone by myself... By reaching out to all of you, I can instead get HIGHER POWERED!!!
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"If we do an honest examination of exactly what we are giving, we are better able to evaluate the results we are getting."Chapter 10 - Emotional Pain - NA Way of Life.
I was glad to read your post, I've been thinking of you and kept you in my prayers. I'm glad that you two had a good deep discussion and from what you described, it sounds like you're on the right path. I wish you well.
I've only known you a very short time Tahir but I sense an honesty and personality that I can relate to in Tahir. I guess what I'm trying to say is that I like you. You welcomed me to this group and made me feel accepted. I am grateful for that and I hope to get to know you and others as time goes on here.
Again, I'm very glad that you feel better and things seem to be going in the right direction. Like I stated before, I've been where you went and we all know it doesn't feel good. May your HP bless you both.
Thank you, Karl. We have been doing fine lately. Just had our 2nd wedding anniversary the other day. Everything is as it should be
-- Edited by Tahir at 14:49, 2007-03-25
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"If we do an honest examination of exactly what we are giving, we are better able to evaluate the results we are getting."Chapter 10 - Emotional Pain - NA Way of Life.
