Hi. My name is Cheryl F. My clean date is 1/10/96.
I live in a small town in Oh,45 min from Pittsburgh,PA.
I'm divorced. My 2 children are grown and I am a grandma!! I have a good job. Great relationships with my parents,children,etc. Go to at lease 1 meeting a week. Involved with Spiritual Retreat this year. My problem?
As I stated above,small town. Not alot of women with time. I went for awhile withput a sponsor,yrs 8 and 9. A friend of mine has 10 now. But her lifestyle bothers me.
She is seperated for the 3rd time from her husband. Is flirting and hanging on a married man who has at least 20 years. He's chair of Area so she decides to run for V-Chair.you get the picture.
In my mind,you walk the talk and live the program in all your affairs. Its just not about staying clean when you get some time behind you.
I know of a few other times she has been less hen forthcoming on issues.
Her sponsor who has 21 yrs(I had her in the past but didn't offer alot of feedback,especially on 5th step) called her on the married man thing,but my friend accused her of judging. But I just read something the other day that said sponsors are accountability partners.
And I truely believe that. There are alot of people around here not walking the talk and it is driving me away from meetings.
Please>>some one have any input? I need some outside advice on this.
Principles before personalitys, remember that one? it's more of an AA slogan then NA maybe but it packs a powerful message.
TRUST, Honesty, Hope, Faith, Courage, Integrity, Willingness, Humility, Brotherly Love, Justice, Perseverance, Spirituality, and Service to One Another.
We can learn from others mistakes and not make them ourselves by watching them
Principles before personalitys, remember that one? it's more of an AA slogan then NA maybe but it packs a powerful message.
TRUST, Honesty, Hope, Faith, Courage, Integrity, Willingness, Humility, Brotherly Love, Justice, Perseverance, Spirituality, and Service to One Another.
We can learn from others mistakes and not make them ourselves by watching them
I agree with the learn from their mistakes. or also,there are those who show us what to do and what not to do. But it really irks me.
And to me,principles before personalities is when I don't .
get into an arguement with someone at a meeting that I dislike. I don't treat them with disdain,but act as I have some principles. Or when I don't tune someone out at a meeting cuz I know they don't live what they talk,but I'm still listening for a message for me.
Something I learned early in recovery is "stick with the winners" when I dont spend time with the ones that are staying sick and not living recovery I dont think that means that I am judging them or rude, I think that's me looking to get better and taking care of my self. I will always be there to help anyone that needs me but not at the expense of my own recovery. I'm sorry you dont have more strong women in your area to look to for support. I think it's important to align myself with the people walking the walk be it women or men, they are the ones that I want to learn from. One of my favorite slogans is if your a member of NA act like it! And yes I too learn a lot from the ones that stay in old behaviour, I learn what not to do when I see the pain they put themselves through it makes me want to scream. All I can do is pray that one day they will become willing to "GET IT" and begin to change. There are some real winners here on this site so stick around and share with us. Sandra
"Anonymity is the spiritual foundation of all our traditions, ever reminding us to place principles before personalities."
Tradition Twelve
The Twelfth Tradition reminds us of the importance of putting "principles before personalities." In recovery meetings, this might be paraphrased, "don't shoot the messenger!" We often get the message confused with the messenger, and negate what someone shares at a meeting because we have personality conflicts with the person speaking.
If we are having problems with what certain people have to share at meetings, we might want to seek the guidance of our sponsor. Our sponsor can help us concentrate on what's being said rather than who's saying it. Our sponsor can also help us address the resentments that may be keeping us from acknowledging the value of some particular person's recovery experience. It is surprising how much more we can get out of meetings when we allow ourselves to do as our Twelfth Tradition suggests, focusing on recovery principles rather than personalities.
Just for today: I will practice the principle of anonymity in today's NA meeting. I will focus on the message of recovery, not the personality of the messenger.
I've been involved with groups where two people in a relationship are elected as Trusted Servants and it can become a very disasterous for the group to say the least, if the two Trusted Servants allow their personal relationship with one another, begin to show in group affairs. It's not uncommon for members to have a beef, so to speak, with their group's Trusted Servants, and it's been my experience(sometimes)when this happens, one or the other(TS's) will be on the defence for the other and the reality of personalities before principles surfaces. Even the image of two personally related addicts serving as a groups Trusted Servants can be the source of much animosity which in itself can be very detremental to the atmosphere of recovery.
As far as the two of them being in a relationship with one another and their personal circumstances, this addict would look at it as being no business of mine and an outside of NA issue. Only when and if a couple's relationship affects my recovery like I described before, would I worry about what others do, the relationship's they're in and the Trusted Servant's positions they hold.
Many normal folks in the real world have extramarital affairs. It's a fact. Life on Life's Terms, right?
My recovery comes first no matter what I have to do.
I can really relate to that Cheryl. I have only 2 yrs but still come in second as far as clean time as far as women. Barely though, the other lady will have 3 in June and me 3 in October. The point is I know how discouraging it can be. Especially when the other is just not living right according to the program. I had to go about 60 miles out of town to get a sponsor. We talk regularly though and meet once a month to go over step work (going thru them the 2nd time) and just chat. She will soon move out of state and I'm not sure how that will work, wether I need a new sponsor when she moves or what. However I do know that sometimes, well alot of times, I have to do the footwork for my prayers. I have to go as far to get a sponsor or stay clean as I did to use. And I know for me that if while I was using I had to go 60 miles to get the drugs I would have. So I must travel that far to get what I need if need be. Thats all I have and hope I helped a little.
Hi all,, my own experience has taught me that Im in the meetings for my own good and for my own recovery !!! Stayting clean comes first thing in NA !!! This means that on a daily basis if an addict stays clean then obviously he or she is doing the right thing,, no matter what others think !!! I trey to remember that whenever i feel a disturbance with regard to others,,, then somethngs the matter with me !!! This may actually be on a deeper level like self acceptance,,, lack of self acceptance may show in many ways and one thing ive seen is it disrupts my serenity !!! I too come from a space where i wasnt cheating on my wife inspite of it being a terrible marriage,,, i was trying to get serenity into it !!! there was many chances for extra marital fun but i took heed of my sponsors warning that it can lead to more problems,,, thats when i began to9 also notice many in the Program were actually ,,,,ing around,, eother 13th Stepping or doing infidelity but that didnt seem to give em any guilt !! I had a rtough time accepting the situatrion but here I am today with a new attitude that its Principles and not personalities !!! When Im in an NA setting or NA meeting I look for recovery and not personalities,,,, i try to stay humble and remember that Im not in the know whats good for others,,, only what works and dosent work for me,,, in tandem with my sponsor,sponsees and close friends in NA,,, sometimes even get insight from "sworn enemies " /"arch rivals" Sometimes its too hot to trot,,, but thats how it works !!! ill judge em ,,, sos I dont make those mistakes ,,but not condemn em for not knowing better !!!] An old Indian proverb says '"""WISE IS HE/SHE WHO LEARNS FROM THEIR MISTAKES,,,, BUT WISEST OF ALL IS HE /SHE WHO CAN LEARN WHAT NOT TO DO FROM THE MISTAKES OF OTHERS !!!"""
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Raman an addict clean and serene just for today in NA Worldwide ; live to love and love to live the NA Way !!!
I have come to understand from my own experiences that each and every individual in NA is exactly where they must be at this moment, as their respective Higher Power wants them to be, with a loving and caring intention behind it, just like my Higher Power has a loving intention behind where I am as of this moment in my recovery, and as such, I strongly believe that none is above or below the other. The principle of anonymity that this program taught me affirms this further.
For me, there is good and there is "unpleasant good", and sometimes, I realize that I do end up choosing 'unpleasant good' experiences in my life, but when I look back at what I chose and what happened as a consequence in the light of the Steps, I have to admit that I don't feel remorse or regret, but am filled with gratitude for those mistakes that I committed, and see how my Higher Power had a loving lesson that I couldn't have learned and accepted in any other way.
When I get disturbed by another member's behavior, I immediately inventory myself to find out what exactly it is that deep within me disturbs about this other member's behavior or conduct, and what defects are active in the situation within me ~ judging? self-righteousness? arrogance? codependency? intolerance? envy? frustration? anger? outrage? despair? And then with the help of my Higher Power and another human being, I find ways to transform these defects into their respective virtues thru my sixth and seventh steps, so that I come to acceptance, tolerance, unconditional love, empathy, compassion, humility, faith and so on... As a result, my eyes, mind and heart open up to see beyond what I tend to see in that person, and to see the goodness and the beauty of that being, in the light of love and acceptance...
I know it's very difficult to do, but it's not impossible with the help of the NA program and a loving Higher Power...
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"If we do an honest examination of exactly what we are giving, we are better able to evaluate the results we are getting."Chapter 10 - Emotional Pain - NA Way of Life.
