Hi friends, just wanted to share whats going on with me lately.
I got this notion that maybe it's time that I buy a house, seams innocent enough but... since I started looking I feel like I'm obsessed with it. I stay up till 4 am looking at homes on the web, every time I see one that I like I am ready to grab it with out doing the research. Thank god I haven't acted on it yet but I have come close. I want to make the right choice, and have a good investment. I want to do whats best for me and my son but am afraid to leave my area because of my connections in NA here. House searching has become a new compulsion for me and it's consuming my every waking hour. I am in no hurry I have a year to decide and find the right place but the addict in me says I gotta do it yesterday. Just when I thought my recovery was going so well I find myself acting out with this situation. It's like the first time since I started my recovery that I feel ready to fulfill a dream and I'm scared I'm gonna mess it up I think there is a little voice inside of me that says I'm not doing it right should find a man settle down buy a house and have kids. Well its a little late for that my kids are 17 and 22 and I'm 41 and single so it's not going to happen that way. I need to get my head around the fact that I dont have to do what I think I'm expected to do.
Some how that little voice tells me that I dont deserve it, I come from a long line of welfare living, and no one in my family ever owned a home so what gives me the right. I need to shut that addict in my head up! I can do it , I do deserve it , and I am capable of making a good decision! there I said it now shut up addict brain!
Ok Sandra I just have to giggle a bit here because I am the SAME EXACT WAY THAT YOU ARE.
IT aint funny either so noone else gets to giggle ( )
It's like me and my painting business plans, doomed to failure before I even start, i'm too stoopid to do this, i'm not a good painter, no business sense whats so evah, fail fail fail fail, i'll go broke and lose everything and end up back on the unemployment line worse off then ever, on and on and on it goes like a roller coaster ride from hell
Just slow it down, take a honest look at what you have offered and whats possible and stay possitive and hopeful and in prayer, well thats what I try to do.
Do the research put in the footwork and make sure you make the right decisions before finalizing asnd stay in prayer
All the best in your pursuits and may your Higher Power gift you "the place" just made for you
Lost Dreams Awaken, New Possibilities Arise!
For me, after coming to NA and working this wonderful program on a daily basis, I have come to realize, believe and experience that it's never too late for nothing, that life is wide open for me, waiting to embrace me with both arms, if I just open my mind to the miraculous possibility of my mind's impossibilities.
And hey, for me, age ain't nothin' but a number. And I strongly believe that the true complete experiences of a human being (physical, emotional, mental, social & spiritual) begin only at 40. Till then, what we experience, according to my perceptions, is just the learning processes that mould us and prepare us to experience the beauty of our lives completely when we are at our primetime of our lives
Just my perceptions Might not necessarily be so for others...
__________________
"If we do an honest examination of exactly what we are giving, we are better able to evaluate the results we are getting."Chapter 10 - Emotional Pain - NA Way of Life.
That is my favorite line in the book, it brought a tear to my eye when I read it, thanks for reminding me Tahir. Thank you both for reminding me that I am an addict and it's normal to think like this for us but I dont have to believe it. My life is a clean slate NA has given me a second chance and I am ready to start it, just one foot in front of the other. I just got the last part of my settlement from my accident and it feels so good to be thinking about investing in a house and my future instead of blowing it all up in smoke. Vini, we can giggle together, but I know we are not alone.
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