I Don't Understand Addiction And I Don't Know What To Do

valleegurl · Member

I Don't Understand Addiction And I Don't Know What To Do

beachgirl · Newbie

I am a recovering addict, but I am also married to an active addict and I grew up with the effects of addiction in my home as a child. My father died a few years ago in his seventies, never finding recovery. Recovery is the greatest gift I have ever received and I have to remember that I cannot "wish" my recovery or give my recovery on my spouse. He has to make his own decisions and and deal with his own consequences. To understand the Disease of Addiction, you might attend some OPEN Narcotics Anonymous meetings. They are open to both addicts & non-addicts. At www.na.org, there is Narcotics Anonymous literature available for you to read. For me, I wasted a lot of time, trying to figure my active addict spouse out. Time I could have spent helping me even though I was already clean. Depending where you live, you might look for a Nar-Anon meeting or even Al-Anon meeting. They are both for family and friends whose lives have been affected by addicts (or alcoholics). These groups have websites as well. May you find what you are seeking.

kerisha · Newbie

Hi

I have grown up with active addiction too. I am an addict. However i have been in the alanon program for years. Alanon will help you deal with your brother and sister in law and teach you how to keep your boundaries and stick to them. Take you out of the chaos you are in. You can call 1-888-4-alanon and they will give you a meeting in your area. We also have meetings 2 times a day on this site at www.12stepforums.net. Meetings Mon - Fri at 9am and pm. Sat 10 am 9pm sun 10am 7pm.

Alanon has been a gift in my life and has helped me in many ways. I hope you do decide to join and step out of the chaos and still being able to love them for who they are. Hope this is helpful for you.

kerisha

Raman · Guru

yeah,,,, co-dependants need other codependants to see the light !!!

Thank God my younger brother has gone into treatment,,,,

at least now theres peace !!!

Tahir · Member

Angee, thank you for sharing. I also am a husband to an addict. Even though she is in recovery for over a decade and more now, and so am I for almost 3 years now, still, our addiction and codependency does rear their ugly head, in context with each other. I haven't seen an addict who is not a codependent too. I realized that it is not my wife or another addict in my life, be it a using friend or a newcomer or my sponsee that is offending me or hurting me, causing pain in my life, but it's me hurting due to my own codependency. I had to admit this fact, stop blaming these people in my life and to own my part, that I have a problem, to get out of the problem and fall into the solution. My codependent side loves to switch between those roles of seducer (come to me, I can fix your life), savior (oh, he or she is in real trouble, only I can save them, I have to, I must...), offender (getting angry and punishing if he or she does not listen to me, if things don't go according to my way in context with him/her) and victim (Poor me, I have such a terrible life because of his/her using. I do so much for him/her, and pain is all I get). So I had to reach out to NarAnon, and have worked many aspects of codependency program too, to liberate myself from codependency, still do... it's a life-long process. Please check out the 12 step fellowships of NarAnon, CoDA and AlAnon. I'm sure you will find people who can relate there well with your problems, who have been there and have found a way out, and continue to work towards recovery from codependency. All the best.

Peace, Prayers and Hope ~ Tahir.

valleegurl · Member

Thank you, Beachgirl. I'm still debating on whether or not I'll go to a meeting. You see, one of the things that grates the most about my brother/sister-in-law is that their escapades take up time that I need to use doing something else. I know it sounds cruel, but the truth of the matter is, between my husband, son and pregnancy, I simply don't have time for their "woe is me" pity parties. That's why I've asked them not to call or come over anymore. The way that I see it, if they want to pull themselves out of their situation, I'll be happy for them, but I'm not going to lend them any sort of help along the way. I've got a family of my own to think about. My attitude is not the greatest toward my brother and sister-in-law right at the moment and I've been thinking that going to a meeting may just be one more drain on my time and one more thing to cause me to resent my brother/sister-in-law.

valleegurl · Member

Thank you Kerisha. I'll keep the meetings in mind.

valleegurl · Member

Right on, Raman. I'm glad that your younger brother got some help.

Anyway, I thought I'd let you know that I've already been through a Conquering Codependency course. TWICE. And, I did, indeed, see the role that I'd been playing in the situation and I tried to change my behavior accordingly. Unfortunately, eventhough I've told my brother/sister-in-law repeatedly what kind of behavior is acceptable in my household and what kind of behavior I find to be unacceptable and eventhough I've told them BOTH repeatedly that I don't want them to come over as long as they choose to remain in an addicted lifestyle, my sister-in-law still randomly shows up on my doorstep tweaked out of her mind, things on my property will come up damaged or missing, or I have to worry about them making nuisance calls to CPS in vengeance because I helped my parents to gain custody of their child due to the fact that they both decided that they WOULDN'T (not COULDN'T, they are fully capable,) work anymore, so they lost their home, lost their posessions, lost their car and CHOOSE to live on the street during winter time with my 3 year old nephew. It has irritated me to the point that I'm seriously considering pressing trespassing charges the next time one of them sets foot on my property or pressing harrassment charges the next time they call CPS (yes, a lawyer CAN and WILL find out the number of an anonymous caller to CPS if it has been deemed multiple times by CPS that a home is suitable for a child to live in,) or call my home. The long and short of it is, they have four choices: either get used to not seeing me unless they have scheduled a visit AWAY from my home, or they can get off of the drugs, make a life for themselves, thus seeing me after they've proven themselves, they can choose to NEVER see me again, or they can choose to show up at my home against my will and sit their sorry behinds in jail yet again. Their choice.

valleegurl · Member

Thank you, Tahir. I'm glad that you have gotten the help that you've needed and I'm glad that you've gotten something out of learning about codependency. I think my problem has less to do with codependency and more to do with my brother/sister-in-law not having clarity enough to understand that I've laid down concrete boundaries. Understand that I don't want to have to hurt either my brother/sister-in-law and that I'd really like to come to an amicable solution, which is why I'm trying to understand addiction. The thing of it is, I DON'T understand what it is that they are going through, because I CAN'T understand what they are going through because I simply don't have an addictive personality. Furthermore, I REALLY can't be sympathetic to whatever things have happened in their present or past that allows them to believe that they have the right to use drugs to cover the pain. I grew up in the same household that my brother did, I have a similar background to my Sister-in-law. I've been through what they've been through and chose not to use drugs because I realized that at the end of the day, whatever problems that I had BEFORE using a self-medicating agent, will still be there AFTER I've used a self-medicating agent, only after using the self-medicating agent, I'll have MORE problems compounding the first set of problems. To me, it's not rocket science. It was easy for me to figure out and I've lived my life accordingly.

The way that I see it, I figured it out when I was A TEENAGER, it should be EASY for my brother/sister-in-law to figure out now that they're in their 30's, and if they want to choose to wallow in their own self-pity rather than finding lasting solutions to their problems, that's THEIR choice, but I choose not to let them take my family and me down with them. If that makes me cruel, then fine. I'm cruel. At least I won't be angry all of the time.

Tahir · Member

Ok, this is purely my own understanding...

First of all, addiction is a disease, not a moral failing or a crime or a sin. It is a disease, just like cancer or diabetes or any other disease. However, this disease of addiction is more dangerous and lethal in the sense that it not only affects an addict physically (by creating a craving born out of withdrawals), but also mentally (by triggering a never-ending stream of thoughts about finding ways and means to get more drugs, the next fix, by all means) and also spiritually (where an addict is rendered just incapable of holding on to any values or morals). Addiction is progressive (it keeps growing everyday if not arrested, even when I don't use), incurable and fatal.

I guess you did not become an addict but your loved ones became only because they had this disease and you did not. Some may intake plenty of sugar and still be healthy and some cannot take as they are diabetic. Just because I did not become a diabetic, I cannot hold my mom for becoming one. And I hope you agree with me that a disease cannot be wished away just by common sense, or becoming more mature with age. It just can come, and afflict us. Be it a stroke, or cancer or addiction.

Your loved ones might never come to understand your boundaries ever merely because, they are not sane enough to do so. They are sick. My wife lately fell ill with diarrhea and deydration as a result, and no matter how much I or the doctor tried to convince her to take fluids to supply her body with some energy or stamina, she kept refusing in the fear that whatever she takes will worsen her condition. She was just not able to understand our point at all, not because she was dumb, but because she was sick, afflicted by illness. And I'm sure so are your loved ones too.

Hope this helps

And thank you so much for sharing your pain with us. Even though I cannot imagine the pain that you might be going thru, I just want you to know that a pain shared with another soul, loses it's power or control over us by a considerable extent, and it also helped me to understand my situation with my ill wife better, and in a proper perspective, as I was really angry with her for refusing to co-operate with the doctors and the treatment. Now I'm better able to understand why she behaved the way she did. Grateful that I have you and this wonderful place in my recovery today.

-- Edited by Tahir at 04:29, 2007-02-01

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