I would email you this personal but you must have the email function off, anytime you need to talk i'd be happy to call, sometimes just reaching out to others when we're down n out helps get us out of ourselves.

 

I get this way now and then too, sometimes the feeling just looms over me for days but it does go away , I think we're sorta used to misery . MAybe do something to make yourself feel good Rayne, your the one who makes you happy find something.

 It seems to be getting thinner the longewr I hold it

I have one  question . what is "IT", the IT that your feeling? 

Funny thing Rayne,,,,
most of the "BAD" feelings are chaseable,, you can chase em away !!!
Just getting concious of what I am feeling and then defining it has made em disappear !!!
Like last evening we ahd an NA event here,,, started with a recoverey meeting for a short while and the music.
Soemhow I got into a dark feeling ,,,,
I had no reason to feel that way !!
it was a disturbance ,,,, and hung on till i chose to share with others,,, and then it was gone, leaving me serene again !
thats why they say clean and serene,,,,
so if i am ready to clean my mind of the negative,weird ,dirty,scary feelings,,, then Serenity will come to stay !!!

-- Edited by Raman at 04:24, 2007-01-27

Hi Rayne,

Well, I could say all kiinds of cheerful buttery sloganish wonderful quotation kinda things, but I've known you long enough to know you are aware of those. Instead, I will try and share my experiences with you cause as far as I know that's what the program asks.

In the months that I have been coming in here, I have suffered everything from loss of personal "stuff", depression, a suicide attempt, and a few hospital "stays" due to the things that happen to every day people in every day life. My experience shows me that I cannot do it alone, and that even though I have stopped doing the things I used to do to hide from life I just don't have the experiences yet to cover all the bases clean. To me that means I really don't know how to live life on life's terms. That means for me it's going to take alot of trial and error whether I like it or not to hopefully learn what life's terms even are, much less muddle through them.

Now some people might consider that pretty negative thinking, but again, to me it's the fact that even after being clean for a while, I have no desire to live in reality. I want life to STILL be the way I want it, not the way it is. When things are going my way I'll run about spouting the greatness of the program and how I am grateful ,and so on and so forth. The true test is when I have to bear down, grit my teeth, and muddle about until I get through whatever new trial comes my way. When I stay clean through the worst of times, I don't really feel like I have grown or becoume more spiritual nor do I go for the pain is a great motivator thing. All I do know is there is some small satisfaction in being clean in spite of me and how I think. 

So I continue to pray even though I don't believe it works, i go to meetings, even though I don't think it helps, and I try to try many other things that are the exact opposite of what I want or believe, because THAT is what really keeps me sober and clean. My thoughts are my worst enemy and the fears of facing emotions destroy me. I'm no saint, and I have made lots of mistakes, but damnit I am still here, and i still make some small effort to trudge the road towards happy destiny...

So I am sorry you have to feel pain, and I am sorry that it hurts, but guess what? Life happens, and you have to live it..... Choose betwen where you came from, and exeperience a fate worse than death, or walk through it and it might get better. Don't know about you, but I don't like handcuffs and feeling like I am lower than whale turds. I'll take the latter choice.

Peace out....

BT