Yesterday Just for Today says alot of us growing up spiritually. Today, I am faced with truly growing up and letting go. And, boy is this something new. Facing the past, so that it does not effect my present way of life.
In relationships I always thought that I had to do for the man. And, not him taking care of me. Okay, that is somewhat old fashion. But, that is what I am faced with my new boyfriend. I came on too strong and put our relationship in jeopardy. Which is scaring him away. I thought that making dinner all the time for him taking it to him. Calling everyday. Basically, putting all the eggs in one baskets was a good thing.
One of his best friends quickly told me I was scaring him. These are things I did in the past to get the guy I wanted. Spoil and take care of them. My dad always said if you cook, clean, and take care of your man he would not stray. Hmmm.....I see if I come on too strong I would just make him run. Never thought of that.
That was not all. He would say that I would not say what I meant and I would run around the table. That is all I know. Run around the table and if you really want me you would chase at all cost. Not, in this case. He forces me to take a look within myself. And, to be honest I hate that. I hate having to deal with everything so quickly. I have 94 days in. And, I am working out so much of my past. It baffles my mind. How one individual can make really look at me. Maybe its the mirror effect. I am a runner and when you would say something to help see myself in a better light. I would laugh and run away. This is the first time that I am really dealing with the past. Scary place to be.
However, I am grateful for him and the others in my life. Its hard to now having to put the brakes on our relationship. Because, I am moving too fast and it looks as if all I care about is him and not working on myself. Funny, that is the furtherest thing from the truth. Working and dealing with me through the eyes of someone else. I guess is what this program is about. Learning to know what to do with your HP's guidance. Knowing when to shut up and listen to a suggestion. Knowing that people in this program love you for who you are and not what you can do for them. Just simply knowing you are safe in the arms of your God. Is a great way to live life on its terms. Just one day at a time. Not, a month at a time. Is a simple way to live. I am learning to stay in the present moment. Finding answers to issues that hinder me instead of help me. What a breakthrough for this morning.
I was at a meeting this morning. And, someone shared; that he had to face the things that was right in front of him. Things that would be benefical for him to work on. Everything from himself to his change of employment. I guess its just one issue at a time one day at a time. Cause, my God puts things in front of me. That I just did not want to deal with, but I am glad I am going to.
Welp i guess all the running has to stop and we have to face what we've ran from in the past Melissa and that way we will definetly grow rather then stunt our growth by avoidance.
Your doing great keep up the good work, face that stuff and listen to others and learn learn learn.
I did things in my last relationship that pushed that girl away, this time i'm doing things differently but i also have a different type of person whos working WITH ME and not against me that makes a big difference but even if she decides to give up on me i'll deal with that differently also this time.
Before I came to recovery, some 2 and a 1/2 years back, I had no experience of a relationship. I never had a relationship with the opposite sex. Why, not even with my parents and siblings. So that was something scary for me when I started my recovery.
I have heard many members admonish about trying to have a relationship in early recovery, and I have also seen a few who had put themselves in a very difficult position in recovery when they tried to enter in a relationship.
I can also say with conviction that, no matter what the cleantime is, be it a newcomer or an oldtimer, relationships are a very delicate area for addicts.
I was not able to establish relationships, be it with my parents or siblings or friends in NA without the tools of the steps in my daily recovery. I was very codependent, with a lot of expectations too, in context of relationships.
Then when I started working the Steps and began applying the steps in my daily recovery, there was a major shift in my perceptions and attitude towards other people in my life. And for the first time, I experienced healthy and caring relationships with my family and NA friends. I was amazed.
Still, when I got married, I realized that it was an altogether different level of life and recovery. Suddenly, I found that the old single Tahir cannot exist anymore the way he did. Inspite of the power of love that me and my wife feel so intensely for each other, the disagreements and conflicts started erupting after the initial pink cloud of our life together. It was not long before I realized that these conflicts happen because of the differences between us. There was blame-and-shame games, power struggles, name-calling, button-pushing, case-building, self-righteousness, seducing and trying to save the other from their pain, offending if that failed, feeling a victim when things did not go my way as I wanted them to, at one point I could not believe that I can be so arrogant and rude with the person I love so dearly. No matter how I tried to wish these defects away, these conflicts kept happening. But I am so grateful that I had a working program in my recovery before I got married. I at least had the steps to apply on these situations. And that gave a lot of hope.
Today, I realize that these conflicts were and are a necessity in my relationship. Also, I found that these disagreements and arguements proved that our relationship was on a honest and healthy level. We both sat and still sit down almost every day. We would create a safe environment and a way of expressing our feelings with each other in a safe and mutually respectful ways. We started expressing our feelings with each other in "I Feel" statements, saying "I feel hurt" rather than saying "You hurt me", thereby owning our feelings, and avoiding the transfer of blame on the other. We acknowledged the upset feelings of the other, and worked on solutions, constantly reaffirming that we both are allies and on the same team. We developed a "active non-defensive listening" when the other was sharing their feelings. We criticised the behavior, not the person. We stopped interrupting the other when the other is expressing. We started this conflict resolution conversations with the Serenity Prayer. When one of us felt threatened by the aggressive nature of the other, we decided that we will have a "time out" for now, and take up the discussion at a later time. We stopped threatening abandonment or exile. We avoided dramatic exits and walking out on the other. We stopped saying things that did not serve the highest good of the coupleship. We still, work on a daily basis, to develop the sensitivity to each other's feelings...
Relationship with my spouse, for me, is something that needs to be consciously worked on, everyday, where I recommit and reaffirm my love for my spouse. If I had given up at any time when it all seemed hopeless, I wouldn't have got all this awareness, and my relationship wouldn't have grown to the next level.
Every conflict that we have had has made us a better couple, with a deeper understanding and awareness. Today, I enjoy this part of my recovery immensely, inspite of all the imperfections. And all this has become possible in my life only because of the program. As long as I put my individual recovery, as my first priority, I get to live life fully, in all areas...
Today, I believe and have come to realize that it's not the relationships that cause any addict, be it newcomer or oldtimer, to relapse, but the lack of application of the program and as a result, addiction causing havoc in this area...
Everything about me and my wife is different, and these are not ordinary differences that all couples face... In fact, the only common thing that we both have is our love for each other. Many, including my wellwishers feared that my relationship was an impossibility.
And as far pain in a relationship, where there is love, there is hurt. Relationship or no relationship, pain is a part of life. No one is exempt from it. But there is also joy, gratitude, moments of intimacy, the power of love, sharing and caring... I treasure these... and am continually amazed at how wonderful it is to be in love, to love and to be loved...
I'm sorry for the long ramble ... and thanks for giving me this opportunity to share.
Hugs, Love, Light ~ Tahir.
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"If we do an honest examination of exactly what we are giving, we are better able to evaluate the results we are getting."Chapter 10 - Emotional Pain - NA Way of Life.
Tahir....what are you......some kind of NA guru? Where does all that you write come from? Are you spiritually enhanced? Do you spend the day thinking up new things to post on this message board? I want to understand.
I am just an addict (powerless, ignorant, limited and mortal) who has paid the price of addiction to get this amazing program in my life today. The pain of acting out on addiction and the joy of living the program as I experience is what I share. No matter how hard I tried to think the program, it seldom worked. For the program to work, I had to start feeling it, experiencing it, living it...
I'm a Miracle In Progress, and yes, tvb3, welcome aboard to Miracles In Progress. Keep coming back. Don't expect miracles, COUNT ON THEM!!!
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"If we do an honest examination of exactly what we are giving, we are better able to evaluate the results we are getting."Chapter 10 - Emotional Pain - NA Way of Life.
You rock!!! Believe me....I'll be back as much as possible to read what you share. I hope that someday my mind will clear enough for me to share the NA way as eloquently and spiritually as yourself.
If you go to a convention and there are two seminars next to each other. One is on the Traditions and one is on relationships. The one about relationships will be full, more often than not discussing the problems of relationships. The tradition meeting will be empty. When in fact, if we study the traditions, we will learn how to have healthy relationships with God, ourselves and others. This includes intimate, loving relationships with our partners. The traditions have helped me tremendoulsly(no words to describe) in having healthy relationships.
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"When you're up to your ass in alligators, it's hard to remember that your initial objective was to drain the swamp"
tvb3 wrote: Tahir....what are you......some kind of NA guru? Where does all that you write come from? Are you spiritually enhanced? Do you spend the day thinking up new things to post on this message board? I want to understand.
I have since coming here been amazed at the depth that tahir descibes in his posts his experience strength and hope, we all all blessed to have him here with us and for us I have felt that from the very begining.
Disco i like what the traditions say about " protecting ourselves FROM ourselves" LOL we are " strong willed and selfcentered people" describes most of us to a "T", relying on our God thru group conscience is how this thing really works.
Hey family, beware I can turn from grateful to hateful in a second being the chronic addict that I am... I cannot escape the fragile, vulnerable and the defective side of me no matter what... And it's not me who is important here, it's the program ~ the steps and the traditions that disco emphasised too that can do wonders to any of us who chooses to practice them... without this program, I'm bare and naked to the self-centeredness and the denial of my disease. My ex-sponsor used to tell me that it is not her that will bring about the transformation in me, but the program that she passes on to me that can... nevertheless, I raised her to a very high pedestal only to bring her down with a big "thud" when I found that she is just human, and as such full of defects and mistakes, like me or any other human being of this world...
-- Edited by Tahir at 12:25, 2007-01-13
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"If we do an honest examination of exactly what we are giving, we are better able to evaluate the results we are getting."Chapter 10 - Emotional Pain - NA Way of Life.
Actually, me and my wife, each being a recovering addict, are into coupleship recovery in another 12 Step program where I have learnt and picked up many of the tools that I shared about...
I haven't directly tried to apply the traditions as such to my relationships, but do so in the course of NA settings (group or area level), and have realized that as a result of trying to practice these traditions in context with other members at the homegroup or ASC is how I am able to do the same in context with my parents, my siblings, my wife, my employer and my friends outside the fellowship too. When I acted out and was indifferent at these group or area service meetings with other members, I also ended up acting out with the other people in my life too, outside NA. I could not be fair at home or work but nasty and rude in NA or vice versa. What I practised inside the fellowship is what I take out to my relationships outside NA. Also, to apply the traditions in any fellowship, be it NA or the fellowship of two (me and my wife), I realize today that I need to be living the Steps first.
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"If we do an honest examination of exactly what we are giving, we are better able to evaluate the results we are getting."Chapter 10 - Emotional Pain - NA Way of Life.
My friend I have not heard from you in a little while. Missed your insight. Thanks for being there my friend and brother. Although, this is a selfish program its great when we can share what comes from our God of our understand with someone. Its nice to know I am not alone. And, by the way it 98days. Yeah, I am on my way one day at a time.
Wow, 98 DAYS!!! Woohooo... (clapping wildly)... Way to go, Melissa! You Rock!!!
Thank you for coming into my recovery and being here with us at MIP. Love you and need you in my recovery.
(((((((((((((((Big NA Hugs to Melissa)))))))))))))))
Hugs, Love, Light ~ Tahir.
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"If we do an honest examination of exactly what we are giving, we are better able to evaluate the results we are getting."Chapter 10 - Emotional Pain - NA Way of Life.
... and thanks for giving me this opportunity to share.
