I have been coming here for awhile. Not always completely honest in the things that i have done as in relapse. I havent been able to stay clean like i used to. I didnt pass xmas clean either. I hear alot in the room how people want thier lives to end. I do have experience in recovery. I never ever understood why people wanted to end thier lives. I have lived in hell, and i used to think that Hp has forgotten me or that i was to bad to have good things happen however i never thought about suicide.
We are here for a reason and we come to live this one life that we have been given, of course not perfectly, and it is extremely hard to live life on lifes terms. For me its especially when i think good is going to happen and it turns around into not so good. I have been thinking alot lately. Alot i have done that has turned out bad, is the result of me not being true to myself. Always doing what others ask me to do. Take care of family, go somewhere i dont want to go, put off my stuff for them. Take care of sister father kids. I forgot about me, When my mom was alive, her also. For me it comes from not believing that i am good enough to be loved and accepted without judgement. Or fear of saying something or doing something that I want to do for fear of being criticized or rejected. Those are painful to go through and i rather not feel that. I realized i have never been true to me. I dont do things if people dont agree with me and i never seen it before. I always throw what i want to do at anyone and usually im told that is so stupid, and so i dont do it.
Now im terrified of the year to come the last two years have been hell also. My life seems to be that way. I want to homeschool my kids but in reality can i???? Am i nuts to think i can. I know what it feels like to have no where to turn, no one to support me or even just accept me. No one ever listens to me people of authority where i try to get help for my kids. So i was taking it in to my hands after loosing a court battle for emotional abuse on my kids, for the kids councelor not wanting them in therapy because we are "TO MUCH" ya ok. I am very down today. I wish i could use but i wont. Being a single mother with no one around no family. This christmas has taught me that just because people are called family (father sis) doesnt mean everyone in it has to love you.
I still dont want to die i could share so much more of my life. There has to be some thing im not doing right and i know the things that happen are a result of the things that i chose to do nothing more. Yes Hp puts things in my path to deal with, its me who chooses what im going to do with it. I dont always do to well, i dont choose the right way. The path is scary very scary, and sometimes i think just something more to fail at. So i make it happen without even realizing it till its to late. Its hard to get the motivation to get up and try again i get so very tired. If i didnt have children i dont think i would try again or maybe not even get up. However i do, i dont trust my decisions, i dont trust myself to lead me in the right direction and that is my problem at least i think so. I know i wasnt put on this earth to feel the need to leave it. I was put here to live. Not survive, not get through, not go through the motions of a life i dont want. Just to live it period to the best of my ability. I just want what i want yesturday so tired of the wait so tired of waiting for the bomb. I think its time to step away from the bomb and start going toward something else. Somethings got to work and i wont end my life until Hp chooses to take it.
I have never understood why people get afraid when someone reaches out a hand to them. MAybe its all i listed above. I guess it is. I tryed for the first time last week and got rejected. WAs a friendly hand nothing more. However it didnt phase me so that has to be progress right????? Usually i would flip out. All i need to do is be ok living in my own skin. I know the amount of work that takes i have done a ton already. Now its time to actually live the way i learned. i say all this but actually doing it is another story. I still know one thing. Nothing is so bad in life that we have to end it. Everything can be dealt with. Every single thing that comes our way can be dealt with. It is us who chooses to freak out or not. We have that choice and we do control how we feel. things dont have to control us when they dont work out we can feel what we need to feel and then move on. Wish it was so easy
Trish I hate to say this but you really have to want this BAD.
If and when we keep relapsing and i'll spek for myself instead of everyone else, things just didn't get bad enough for me yet.
You may not think your killing yourself but then again take a good look at what you've done, maybe you are? maybe living in that skin is just to damn painful to live without drugs or whatever it is you use?
Look at the things that really make you ball up inside, get honest talk about it with someone, right it down then go talk to someone.
YOu know its ok for us to not like ourselves at first, as time goes by you start finding and seeing and others start seeing who you really are and most of us are good people inside, no we're not saints I don't believe anyone is maybe one or 2 have been out of the trillions who have been on this planet.
The year ahead can be filled with something new and you can start growing whenever you decide to lay down whatever it is your doing and grab ahold of this program and the H-P that is at work right here and in this program, its a power greater then your addiction.
I am just like you I have all ALL the same feelings inside I am a man and I am staying clean, at least for today I have and the last 150 something days now. It's not always easy there have been some days, hours, minutes, SECONDS that I just held the F on, to this power greater then my addiction.
Have some faith, just a little, this thing here works, MY WORD and the word of many many others.
I felt the same way when I relapsed last. I was just not able to bear and live like that, using and feeling miserable, and not being able to die too. I got sick and tired of being sick and tired. In that despair and unbearable pain, suddenly, staying clean seemed more appealing. The pain of not using seemed much more tolerable than the pain of using. And I also admitted that I do am facing pain, problems, crises, losses and failures, but these existential problems that I was going through were not chemical in nature and as such I realized that feeding my body and mind with heroine, marijuana, alcohol, pills or norphine is not going to solve my living problems. In fact, after my every relapse, my pain and my problems only got 10 times worse. I realized that by not using, I am actually minimising the impact and the unmanageability of these living problems, and that is the least I could do at that juncture, to not put myself into more self-destruction and chaos.
Trisha, I could see from your share that you have reached the same point of desperation and intolerance towards what drugs are doing to your life. I know this, not because I'm some kind of psychoanalyst or a shaman, but simply because I've been there. And that is the point where I rose from my despair, seeking hope, even a small ray of it, and making that decision that no matter what happens, come hell or high water, until a crises passes, I will not use till I go to sleep tonight. If I die in the process, so be it. If I am on the roads without any food or shelter, so be it. But I will die clean, not loaded. I call it "the rising of the phoenix", where I had to burn down to ashes due to my using, and then, from there, rise and look up to the light of my Higher Power's unconditional love and compassion for me. And I'm sure, you are not far away too, Trisha. I will have you in my prayers today. Keep coming back and share with us. Together we can. As long as we are trying, we are not failing.
There is a Higher Power that is loving you now.
Hugs, Love, Light ~ Tahir.
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"If we do an honest examination of exactly what we are giving, we are better able to evaluate the results we are getting."Chapter 10 - Emotional Pain - NA Way of Life.
