Something happened today that I need to share,I had an amazing Christmas enjoyed every moment of it with my kids. This afternoon after all the fun I was relaxing and still grinning about what a wonderfull day it was and how at peace I am. Then the phone rang, it was my x i have spent the last 19 months in recovery and counceling trying to adjust to the end of our relationship, it's not been easy for me.

He said he was so glad that I was happy and things were going good for me, I told him that NA has taught me how to get what ever I need from within and through that lesson my life was full , content and I learned to love myself, my happiness truly comes from within. He said his happiness still comes from Molson Canadian, witch helped to remind me that I did the right thing by leaving him.

It would have been a good thing if the conversation had ended there, but he went on . He reminded me of all the Christmases we had in our 8 years together and how we would stay up late on Christmas eve to wrap the gifts from santa and make love, and how wonderfull and special that was.

He went on to say how he thinks of me always and misses making love to me,having only had sex twice in over a year this was realy hard to listen to, but even harder to hang up on him. Kind of felt like self torcher to me, but I listened intencly anyways.

The thing is our relationship was the closest I have ever come to true love, it was truly special and I will never forget him(actualy I pray daily for the ability to, because some times the pain of missing him is to great to bare)

He told me he loved me and always will befor he said good bye, when I hung up the phone I was so confused . I know I dont want this man back in my life, I know it could never work his HP is beer! But I cryed all the same.

I came to realize awhile ago that I was not only greving the loss of a relationship , but greving the loss of what I wanted it to be but never was. I was never whole enough to truly love someone, I never loved myself.

I went to a meeting tonight and shared about it but I still feel sad. I guess the thing is it's ok to feel sad sometimes, I need to give myself permission to feel be it good or bad.

I know I will be ok, I shared , prayed , journled and posted about it, now I'm just going to feel sad for a while and I'll be ok. With the love of NA and the tools I have been given today I know my emotions wont kill me and it's ok to feel.

Thanks for letting me share

Merry Christmas to all, thanks for being here for me