While I admit I am not the greatest in recovery I am certainly not the worst example. I don't like doing these posts, but sometimes to get some insight one has to do what isn't always easy.
I am writing this post because I am suffering the most severe depression I have ever encountered sober. Yes, I have had moments where I made a mistake, the depression set in, and I ended up having to backtrack and rework steps to get back on my feet and try again. Yes, I have lost jobs before, and lost material things, over and over, only to get back up and do it again. This time however, I made a mistake and it cost me everything I worked, hoped, and prayed for over a 3 year period. Not only that, but it set me back in a financial hole I haven't seen the likes of since I got sober.
I've prayed, talked to my sponsor, (who told me in 3 years I have no clue about the 12 steps and have never worked them), I have went back over the first three steps and can see where I never applied them to an emotional state, I have done innumerous 4th and 5th steps followed by the best effort I could muster for 6 and 7 with all the belief I have, only to end up in worse shape than when I came in as a newly abstinant person. Every thing that I have tried, in and out of the program has not worked for this depression I am in, and I just can't handle the pressure, stress, and downright self loathing for something that I cannot control. And I know for a fact, I can't handle another fall like this one. So that leaves me in complete fear of trying again, and knowing that I have to.
I know I am not alone, and not the first to suffer like this, but it sure does feel like it. I really don't know what I am looking for, I just am so tired after 6 months of fighting and struggling. This too shall pass isn't working, god isn't working, and the program is keeping me from getting high, but what's the point if everything is miserable and fearful?
Damn, someone tell me they made it through and restarted and have been stable for the past 5 years and maintained anyway. Never in my life have I actually given up, but I am there now. Nothing is worse than being completely hopeless and lost like this. I need help and I need it badly, andI guess I need you guys to tell your god I am not making it and I need help from a HP, mine is obiviously not listening.
Anyway, that's it....
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Faith: the substance of things hoped for, the belief in things unseen
I suffered from a deep depression last year and it was the 3rd step that got me out of it. When you can truly feel the presents of your HP is when you realize that no matter what you will be ok. I hope and pray for you to feel better soon. Just remember you are not alone , all of your recovery family is here for you and we love you.
Brett I can tell you that you can DEFINETLY get thru it millions of others have.
I was there awhiile back and made the mistake of medicating myself with painkillers and the obession to use hit me once again. As long as YOU DONT USE you can get thru it Brother.
I didn't beat myself up to hard for that fall because I knew if I did I would have no chance of getting back here, so I went easy on myself and did exactly what your doing now, re working and looking at those steps those first few are THE most important to fully grasp.
Take a good hard look at the 2nd part of the first step, the umanagability in whatever form it comes to you in, we have to muster every bit of insight and be totally honest with whats going on thats making or lives non manageable and unacceptable.
Then turn it over , once that process takes place something changes inside, life gets easier did for me anyhow.
We're all battling ghosts, spirits, theres something in all our lives that hangs us up now and then all I can say is grab hold hard of this program and the people, try not to get to discouraged I think thats where your at, just calm down and try to relax and don't panic, breath in breathe out and don't use.
Thanks for sharing with us. I can relate a lot with what you had to share as I was also a chronic depressive right from my adolescent teens... thru my using years... and in the first one year of recovery too...
I used to lock myself in my room for days together, not able to do anything about anything... no bath, no food, sometimes, was not even able to lift myself out of my bed for days... just lie there, staring at the walls, crying constantly without any reasons sometimes... indulging in self injury, trying to release my mental and emotional pain physically...
I was on psychiatric medication for almost 5 years diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder. It helped, but only as long as I took those pills, and that too for only sometime. Then my depression became med-resistant... no matter how much my pdoc increased the dosage, even to the maximum that can be prescribed, I still was trapped in depression... Finally they were comtemplating ECT on me as a last resort.
There were many nights when I felt unbearable to be in that state. I wanted to get out, but I could not. I lived in constant suicidal ideation... keeping loads of pills and razor blades under my pillow apart from my drugs... comtemplating suicide... thinking that when I wouldn't be able to bear any more, I would kill myself.
Then when the pain became unbearable, due to my using, staying clean seemed more appealing... I started making meetings... trying to abstain... hanging out with members for hours on end... inspite of the depression... speaking nothing with them... just being there...
On one member's suggestion, I started putting a conscious effort to read NA literature everyday... Just lie on the bed and read and read and read... I stopped all medication since it didn't help much beyond temporary relief...
I decided if this depression is gonna stay, so be it... I stopped fighting it... Slowly with the help of meetings, other members, reading literature, trying to do my bit as homegroup service... Using the serenity prayer... I started to heal... the severity of my depression lessened... When I started working my Steps with my ex-sponsor, for the first time, I felt joyous, not miserable, in my recovery... the smile was slowly coming back on me... I opened up, looked at the world, life, people, what's been happening around me... and after a year of staying clean, my depression vanished... It was and still is unbelievable... both for me, my therapist and my psychiatrist and my family... Today, I do get sad moments, but they don't last more than an hour or two, and I am quick to make an effort myself to shake it off... putting myself in the solution, applying the steps, using all tools of recovery that I possibly could...
And it all started one day in my early recovery when I realized that I cannot die if I just lie there on the bed... that I needed to get up from the bed if I should even die... An inch a day, slow and small progress... but it worked...
Also, I must mention that I underwent Talk Therapy with my Counselor for almost 6 months, regularly, every week, and that helped me a lot too...
It is possible to come out of depression, Brett. Believe me, it is possible. But first, I must help myself and allow others to help me to... I must be willing and openminded... With professional help and working the program on our emotional and most importantly on our spirituality, worked wonders for me...
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"If we do an honest examination of exactly what we are giving, we are better able to evaluate the results we are getting."Chapter 10 - Emotional Pain - NA Way of Life.
I too suffer from depression and I sometimes feel like there is no hope and anything worthy in life. But, yesterdays reading in Just for Today. Is one that I would suggest re-reading. My friend don't put all your eggs in on baskets as it says. Your Higher Power is listening although it may seem like they are.
We must realize that is not in our will things happen. Its all in total surrender to this power. giving up our will. It all in fully turning our will over. Sure, we feel we should have prosperity in all areas of our lives. The great job, the car, the house, and a wonderful mate. But, it will not happen until we surrender everything that we are to our God of our understanding. I have found a perfect book its called "Turning It Over" a third step Guide for recovering people. There is a section on failure and its states that we have to surrender, accept and become willing. And, if we lean on our higher power we will be able to gain the things needed in our lives at that time.
I always tell people that we will not gain anything in our lives until our God of our understanding sees it is time for those things to come into our life. I am an example of that. I sit with no available cash for anything. Not even for food and gas for my car. But, when I need those things with faith and belief in my higher power. Those things come when needed.
Through our willingness to accept things as is. We find that we have to surrender to a situation and then we find the willingness and courage to do our foot work. My friend our main problem is fear. And, that fear stops up all the positve energy that could be in our lives. So, the only thing I can suggest is let go and let God. Do your part and have faith that your God will do the rest when it is time for you to have all that you deserve. Also, keep in mind. You deserve the very best in life. And, when you surrender completely you will see a change that will amaze you. Things will come that you least expected and above what you think you deserve. God Bless and always remember if your put your God first you will always have your recovery and therefore you will have a happier and peaceful Brett. God Recovery Self. Peace
Thanks MGMerlino, for that powerful share of strength and hope.
Welcome to MIP Family. Glad we have you here.
I'm Tahir, a recovering addict from India.
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"If we do an honest examination of exactly what we are giving, we are better able to evaluate the results we are getting."Chapter 10 - Emotional Pain - NA Way of Life.
I have recieved a reply to my thread of this morning. Asking where you can get a copy of the book Turning It Over; A third step guide for recovering people. You can get a copy of that book from any bookstore. I got my copy at Barnes and Noble. Other interesting books are Beyond the Twelve Steps, Healing An Addictive Mind, and Excuse Me Your Life is Waiting. I hope that you will find these books helpful on your spiritual journey. God bless all of you. And, please enjoy the rest of the Holiday Season.
"If we do an honest examination of exactly what we are giving, we are better able to evaluate the results we are getting."Chapter 10 - Emotional Pain - NA Way of Life.
"We are no longer fighting fear anger guilt, self-pity, or depression." Basic Text pg. 26
As addicts, many of us experience depression from time to time. When we feel depressed, we may be tempted to isolate ourselves. However, if we do this, our depression may turn to despair. We can't afford to let depression lead us back to using.
Instead, we try to go about the routine of our lives. We make meeting attendance and contact with our sponsor top priorities. Sharing with others about our feelings may let us know we aren't the only ones who have been depressed in recovery. Working with a newcomer can work wonders for our own state of mind. And, most importantly, prayer and meditation can help us tap the power we need to survive depression.
We practice acceptance and remember that feelings like depression will unquestionably pass in time. Rather than struggle with our feelings, we accept them and ask for the strength to walk through them.
Just for today: I accept that my feelings of depression won't last forever. I will talk openly about my feelings with my sponsor or another person who understands.
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"If we do an honest examination of exactly what we are giving, we are better able to evaluate the results we are getting."Chapter 10 - Emotional Pain - NA Way of Life.
I beg god to take my life, literally, so i don't have to live, and if not that, drive the damn bus, but I seem to get nothing in return , so god just doesn't work for me.....I suppose..... I want it to, but no results so far, i still pray, and still try to have some semblance of faith, but after beatdown after beat down, I just cant take no more... and I just want to quit.... but I don't
Anyway it helps to hear from yall.....at least for today
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Faith: the substance of things hoped for, the belief in things unseen
"Our understanding of a Higher Power is up to us. No one is going to decide for us. We can call it the group, the program, or we can call it God. The only suggested guidelines are that this Power be loving, caring and greater than ourselves." Basic Text Pg. 24
"When we admit our powerlessness and inability to manage our own lives, we open the door for a Power greater than ourselves to help us." Basic Text Pg. 22
Hugs, Love, Light ~ Tahir.
-- Edited by Tahir at 13:30, 2006-12-28
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"If we do an honest examination of exactly what we are giving, we are better able to evaluate the results we are getting."Chapter 10 - Emotional Pain - NA Way of Life.
I beged and pleated with my Hp to take the things I could not deal with, it never worked for me. What I have learned is it will work if I do my part. Prayer without action is useless. If I want to be releaved of obsessave thoughts I have to focus on something different , go out for fellowship , have a laugh with others, do some service work anything that gets me outside of myself seams to work. If I stay alone in my house praying for the ability to let go I stay stuck. Prayer and action is the key for me.
hope you get some results, HP helps those who help themselfs
I will agree with that without the footwork. It is all for not. We have to focus on our goals and our needs and work with our higher power. Who will guide our footsteps. So, we can see what is in their will for us. I guess we have to read our literature and learn to live life on life's terms.
Today, I am fighting that same old battle, I pray for relief, no help...I've done the footwork of going to doctors, taking meds, talkingto you guys, admitting i can't control it, surrender, and all that other bullshit just to feel empty and crappy inside, with little or no hope of things ever getting better. Sometimes footwoork or effort or whatever isn't enough...sometimes I need god to step in and show me a way out. God damn man, even job in the bible got a break at some point....
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Faith: the substance of things hoped for, the belief in things unseen
I going to tell you like someone once said to me. Let go and Let God. And, get off the self-pity pot. You are talking to a woman who just blew $310,000.00 from February to October on Drugs and Alcohol. And, a bunch of material things that were not needed. Just to have it all stolen by my fellow drug addict and my best friend. Its all gone. I dont have a penny even to put gas in the car today to go to an interview. Please just listen to yourself. There is nothing so bad in life that one would want to stay in this state.
You truly have to let go. And, make that serenity prayer your best friend. Because, the God of your understanding will help you. But, as long as you whine and hum and haw about how bad it is. It will not happen. You can not have a positive outcome. When there is so much negativity invading the space. Dig deeper as my sponsor would say and find out why you feel so much in this situation. Write about it and release it. Write a Dear God letter. Putting in the things you truly want in your life and put the letter away for a couple weeks. Take it out then and see where you are.
I just did that because I wanted a good man in my life. And, did I get what I asked for. No, lie. He is that and more. Just be careful for what you ask for and make sure you are ready for it. Cause, you may just get it. Here is a good book Course in Love by Joan Gattuso. What I am hear is Brett has not found a way to love Brett. Brett is still living in the guilt, shame and fear of his active addiction. I hope I am getting warm.
Let it Go and Let God. Surrending means just that. Fully throwing your hands in the air and say to your God. I can't do this, you do it for me. And, believe me he will. But, you have to truly have to have the faith. If you read the bible, heres a good one Ephesians 6:10 to the end. You have to take the armour of God which is faith and walk through whatever you are going through. Knowing in faith and trusting that power you will weather the storm. And, that also means have the utmost faith in Brett. Love you my friend. God Speed and wishing the very best in life
That's exactly my point... I HAVE thrown my hands up and said take it god, because I can't handle it. And guess what? I am still here. I have journaled, taken all the suggestions, tried my damndest to surrender, and all i get is slapped in the face......get better damnit.... now....that's a demand now, not a request....how's THAT for telling god what i need.....never mind fuck this, I'll stay clean and be miserable, fuck god and fuck y'all
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Faith: the substance of things hoped for, the belief in things unseen
Pain and suffering is mandatory, but misery is optional.
I also raised my hands and went on my knees surrendering to my HP that I can't, that I admit defeat, but I still kept using for another 5 years before cleaning up finally. If I had given up at any point during those 5 years, I wouldn't have been there when the miracle happened.
Anyways, thanks for sharing your pain with me. Amazing that you are clean for over 3 years now inspite of all that you've been thru and are going thru. That for me clearly shows the Higher Power at work in your life, and gives me lots of strength and hope.
May all your desires be fulfilled. Amen.
Hugs, Love, Light ~ Tahir.
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"If we do an honest examination of exactly what we are giving, we are better able to evaluate the results we are getting."Chapter 10 - Emotional Pain - NA Way of Life.
Brett thomas wrote: That's exactly my point... I HAVE thrown my hands up and said take it god, because I can't handle it. And guess what? I am still here. I have journaled, taken all the suggestions, tried my damndest to surrender, and all i get is slapped in the face......get better damnit.... now....that's a demand now, not a request....how's THAT for telling god what i need.....never mind fuck this, I'll stay clean and be miserable, fuck god and fuck y'all
I DID IT FOR YEARS AND YEARS BRETT
And i'm not exactly sure what the turning point was , a friend of mine who was a crackhead worse then me got sober for a few years and I finally asked him WHAT HAPPENED, he really couldn't explain it other then something just took over but I knew or rather had a feeling that he had finallly turned it over totally surrendered , he was beaten down to submission, sick and tired .
Dont get angry at us Brett we've all [[[ ALL ]]] been there, Gods led you here with us maybe, you know whats on the other side of that coin ? the coin of life is the opposite of what you have right now its time for you to make a decision how you want that coin to flip, make yourself happy even with all the things that don't look so bright in your life.
Tahir he gives me hope and definetly STRENGTH also I feel like a heal for relapsing now over my simple little troubles LOL there are people who stay sober and go thru so much emotional and physical pain, unbareable pain those are the ones I truly admire and look too.
Every strong person I know and look up to in recovery it seems has worked the twelve steps and applied them in their life. and also has gone through a lot of therapy. They are also open to constructive critism. I feel resentments at god a lot because he creates me and I didn't ask to be created and then says here just have blind faith. what the hell is that shit? But than who the hell am I to question my creators purpose for me? why me? why not me? I think god created us with a certain amount of character defects in each of us, because if we didn't have these defects we wouldn't need other people, and than we would be just like god. we need the help of other people in our lives too. I like what I read in here about just hanging out and not saying anything and just listening. so true. I always felt I had to have something to say. well if I don't know what to say than I don't know. I have to get something before I can't give it away. And I think that is the hardest thing to deal with is admitting to myself that there are a lot of things in life I know nothing about and a lot of people learned a lot of these things as they were growing up. That's life. So am I gonna sit in my shit and dwell in the problem or am gonna get my ass out there and learn this shit? I have to make this choice. when the pain of staying the same is greater than the pain of change, we will change. and you can say fuck you all you want but I still love you. because you are and addict trying to find the solution just like me.
If you dont trust your HP right now trust us, we all care for you and want you to find peace and freedom. We will love you untill you can love your self
You are clean and alive thats proof enough for me that you have a loving HP
it took me what 3 days to show my face in here again? I do love y'all..... this just sucks, I been down before, but not like this..... I mean plain emptyness, and no answers from HP, go figure still here damnit....
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Faith: the substance of things hoped for, the belief in things unseen
"If we do an honest examination of exactly what we are giving, we are better able to evaluate the results we are getting."Chapter 10 - Emotional Pain - NA Way of Life.
