i had one of the best and worst days of my life yesterday
i've been taking a career planning workshop this week...i think i finally know what i want to be when i grow up
really my ultimate goal....is to 'Live who I Am'-in peace, luv and harmony
i've gotten much closer this week to narrowing down the field of what i want to be when i grow up. Frick, it only took me to reach 40 years old....but i had to go where i went to get to where i am. :)
so i stayed up till 2 am this morning finishing up a draft plan to give my instructor...it was like that last 2 hours it all came together...honestly i'm still in shock, i just about fell off my chair!
so in the meantime....at the beginning of this week i told my boyfriend...well i guess i tried to forewarn him of what kind of mood i'd be in this week..ya know, stuck in my head, my world....distant, busy disecting, myself , my life, etc. and that it wasn't him i just needed some space this week, but i just needed to know that he would be there for me. Well his answer was that he completely understood where i was coming from, honestly from that moment on it seemed like he didn't understand in the least. but i persevered and tried to stay focused. Meanwhile really i was getting annoyed and frustrated with him....
so i tell him last night what i want to be when i grow up, i'm sooo excited about it. I've struggled with this my whole life..,.its huge for me really!!!!
honest to God, he didn't even crack a smile........
and because i've been distant this week, our sexlife i guess has been affected. I told him this weekend i'd make it up to him...
well i don't think he heard that last part,
He's also a good addict....totally self absorbed, self centered, egotistical....blah, blah, blah. I don't need to take his inventory now do i...
Well 2 am and he's yelling around for me to get out, we are over ,done. I refused to argue with him which i think made him angrier....meanwhile his 13 year old daughter and roommate are, i'm guessing NOT sleeping upstairs....i felt embarrassed
i am supposed to find somewhere else to live TODAY
Hi Wendy, Hard stuff for sure...... I do know that I need to have faith in my Higher Power...to know that things happen because they are supposed to happen that way. Dealing with life on lifes terms is not always easy, but nothing happens to me that I do not have the tools to deal with the situation. MY HP loves & trusts me enough to give me these things...and trusts me to use the tools I have been given to deal with them. I have the tools...it is up to me what I build with them.
In some difficult situations my HP does for me what I am unwilling to do for myself. If your boyfriend is a using addict, perhaps it is time for you to move onward. One of my favorite sayings has to do with faith:
"FAITH is when you have come to the edge of all the light that you know and are about to step off into the darkness of the unknown... Faith is knowing that one of two things will happen: There will be something solid to stand on or you will be taught how to fly." Hold your head high....go to meetings....stay clean..... live your life secure in the knowledge; You are loved...HP has faith in you....have faith in yourself. Life on lifes terms is a part of living.
Read the November 17th Just For Today reading.....walking through the pain....Just for today: No matter how I feel today, I'll go on with my recovery.
"We can carry the gifts of recovery with us everywhere. The Twelve Steps of Narcotics Anonymousare a progressive recovery process established in our daily living. Ongoing recovery is dependent on our relationship with a loving God who cares for us and will do for us what we find impossible to do for ourselves.
During our recovery, each of us comes to our own understanding of the program. If we have difficulties, we trust our groups, our sponsors and our Higher Power to guide us. Thus, recovery, as found in Narcotics Anonymous, comes both from within and without." Basic Text page 79 (c) Narcotics Anonymous
Lon
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Courage is not the towering oak that sees storms come and go; it is the fragile blossom that opens in the snow.----Alice Mackenzie Swaim
Welp pushing people away is what we do take a look at what your asking of your boyfriend, isn't that a bit selfish itself?
We have to always CONSIDER OTHERS thats love, I know your boyfriend is an addict too as you said so maybe getting out isn't such a bad idea????? since your now on a different path!
my family, from my heart to yours, i thank you and hope for you's...heartsmiles today:)
ya know what??
i poured a beer yesterday...one baby sip...poured it into the toilet
a few minutes later...
poured another one....
made me sick, just looking at it...
had to play the tape to the end.....alcohol simply takes me to drugs....poured that one in the toilet to....flushed...carried on
today i'm keepin' on keepin' on.
now at the library...its my only internet connection...that is hard in itself!!! I'm addicted to the net!!!!!!! Great...ANOTHER ADDICTION!!!!!!!!! lol....at least this one won't kill me...hmmm...it could make my life unmanageable though....but so is not having it available!!!
one day...one thing at a time!!!
so i decided to go to my last day of the career workshop yesterday...was determined to finish what i started. My instructor gave me 100%!! :)
I called the transition house for women when i got where i used to call home...ya...they got me a cab and i have a roof over my head at least.
i brought up the topic of gratitude at the detox meeting this morning. Grateful that the house pays for my cab to meetings when no bus is available. Saw an old using buddy who is in detox...glad to kow he's alive today....maybe you could add those suffering in and out of the program to your prayers.
I was fortunate to get a ride from the detox, as it is just on the outskirts of the city, downtown to the library. Heard what i needed to hear.....imagine that eh??.....i don't need to pray for a job, a home...blah, blah.....just simply help, turn my will, and my life over, keep me clean and sober today.
And simply have faith
so easy to say...
practice makes correction:)
plan to go to a birthday meeting tonight...one lady has 33 years , one guy has 5 years
inspiration
thankyou so much for being here
will check in again tomorrow...if not monday for sure
they only give me 1 hour to sit on the computer..but hey...i'm grateful
yes BigV....of course i'm selfish too...i'm an addict...i'm definitely grateful for my boyfriend...ex now i guess...if not for him i wouldn 't be where i am today... my HP knows where i'm supposed to be and puts people, places and things in my path for a reason. Thankyou for your words and the reminder to look at MY part.
thanx Lon as well, i actually printed this page out so i can spend more time later reading the responses and reflecting on your words:)
thanks for sharing your story. and it did get a great response from bigv and lon, after reading what they wrote i don't have much to say that could add to there's/.
but from what you've said ,it sounds llike you're finally finding what you want , and when we move towards our goals , sometimes we are better to not bring along exccess bagage from our former lives. .. starting fresh , with a goal and an aim , look forward to what you can have and think about what you need to get there. and what will hold you back...
but it sounds like you already figured all this out yourself. you sound strong to me and i admire your presaverance to not give up your dreams and hopes. huge hugs wendy ... peggy
peggy
