I am new to NA and have alot of anxiety being here. I dont want to admit myself as an addict it truly kills me to do it. I feel tears welling up just thinking about it. In the back of my mind i do know im an addict, just not ready to "come out" i guess i could say. I am very familiar with mip in another group. That is another reason i am afraid to admit this. AFraid to say who i am so i dont see the jaws drop or so im not rejected. I guess i will when im ready just not today. Terrified to actually realize i have a drug problem??? doesnt seem to fit and yet it is the way it is.
My story.....
I have lived in a violent alcoholic home. and i know just typing this story people will guess who i am. I dont know why i have such a problem with that i just feel scared to be here. I know i need to do something and finally allow all the lying and hiding to stop once and for all and say I am ...........and i .......... ugh My parents were alcoholics way into my adult years and even after i left home at 21. I used drugs as a teen many times, i didnt like doing them at the time and never tryed anything more than pot or hash, if i did what my friends were doing it meant that i didnt have to be home and so i did that for many years.
Met my ex when i was 19 and didnt touch drugs for 11 years didnt even think about it. I surely didnt think i was an addict at that time. sigh. I belong to alanon from mip, i was put on depression meds paxil xanax sleeping pills and another i forget what. For years i was a walking zombie while i was married then years later i was going through a separation also, and i got my ex to leave our marriage was done (another story) when i came off of those pills 4 years later it was like i was a true drug addict(never touched drugs for years remember) I had the sweats the shakes the throwing up even though i was supposedly weaned off. This is something i have never ever shared before and i now feel guilty i am afraid of the judgement. Walking through the fear in hopes of ...something. I left mip after this because recovery and ex and my mother against me in alanon was to much and i started to believe her when she said i didnt need it and how angry i became since alanon. I also didnt feel accepted at the time, i did that though, not them.
I truly cant believe i am sharing this. I am not even sure ill have the courage to leave this up after i type it. I had two kids little ones, 2 and 3 years old. AFter my divorce my mother took over my kids because of me being in depression for years and the pills and all she was basically thier primary mom. My mother always put me down on my parenting and when i was weaned off the pills i spent alot of time in bed. I started a local chat room after i left mip and went down a real dangerous road (just like teen years) MEt alot of shady people however i was accepted there of course. People like me with no lives, no work, a survivor of my abuse. They did drugs (pot) there and i didnt touch it for a year. One day i decided to and that set that.
I didnt do it to often once or twice a month for the two years i was gone. Then my mother got sick and diagnosed with cancer. I had to take care of her at home. she never cared for herself and the docs came in and asked where will u go and my mother said home right away. I couldnt deny her that one. So i took care of her alone my sister and father were sick (basically invalids) and couldnt do anything didnt hestitate to put me down and tell me how bad a caregiver i was and how i didnt do right taking care of her. I started getting pot on a reg basis so i could get through caring for mother which i was terrified . I had two kids and my mother called me all the time to go down and i spent alot of time there. When i came up to put kids to bed she would call me down because of fear of something not right. Was like she didnt trust what i did earlier. My sister and father jealous cause they couldnt do anything and they took it out on me.
I know this isnt an excuse just my line of thinking and the way it happened. I did weed from that time on every day till she died. Then every day after. Then i started to slow down again. Every time i felt heat i took weed and it did get me through alot of rough times when i was alone with no one and no where to turn in my eyes. I was clean since this past june. My computer was taken from me by hp and i did alot of self work. I had a recent slip and it was a test by hp because where i get the pot i bumped into her last week. I failed that test and did it again.
I never ever thought i was an addict until i failed. Till yesturday when i was calling her over and over and she wasnt available and today also. I take it as a sign again. That i truly do need help. I never once smoked up with my kids present or in this house either. I have been to na chats in the past and they attacked me for saying i want to use. I do want to use its honest. But i dont want to want to you know what i mean? I am still stunned by this post and i will probably read it a ton of times to make sure i said these things. I dont want to be an addict anymore going through the motions in life needing something so i dont feel the massive pain on a daily basis. To cover the lonliness i feel inside. I do know what recovery work takes. I do know it is really hard to look at yourself. I have avoided the steps like the plague in alanon for years and my sponser is fed up cause its falling on deaf ears she says. ITs not deaf ears its just fear of looking at who i am someone i dislike very much
it takes a lot of courage to be honest with yourself and with us, thank you for sharing.
there are so many things i want to share with you after reading your posting . but i have to go to bed soon , becuse i'm actually employed, amazing....lol...but i will share with you when i've got more time.
we're here to help each other. if you have questions , these people will be able to help you.
and as for alnon , i'll bet you , you'd be amazed how many have or had drug problems too!!!!!!
be easy on yourself . you're human not perfect. none of us are. but we're luckier than most . we have each other...
talk to you soon . best wishes and take care...hugs and love peggy
Glad you are here and that took ALOT of courage and something you are going to need to keep tapping into Trisha.
Keep examinging things and looking at where your lifes been up to this point, grab hold of the steps and principles and higher power and someone to talk with intimately about these things , get a foothold on this addiction you have, it yours now get hold of a power greater then that addiction.
It's what we who are clean today are doing we've found something to over power this thing we all have and many other things that destroy us .
You keep coming back and share don't sell yourself short by not sharing , it's what this place was made for , why we are all here.
You're post really hit close to home for me in many ways. I have been through many of the things you have and know from where you speak. When I first got clean, I did it because my ex-boyfriend got locked up and I had no place to go except a halfway house. I actually worked through some of the steps and did what I was supposed to be doing, just knowing in the back of my mind that I was going back out when he and I worked things out. Well, it didn't happen (Him & me), but the reservation did. I went back out for a few months. During this time of using the program started working me. I had no intention of coming back, but I found myself spending more time in the NA stuff than when I was clean. Imagine that! But, somehow, someway, I found my way back to the rooms for a different reason this time. And yes, it took what it took for me to accept that fact that I am a true addict, in more ways than just using drugs. It was a scary thing to accept. I didn't want other people to think I was trash or less than or whatever. . . but what I have found is that I have to worry about me right now and not what others are thinking. But, damn, it's still hard for me! Just know that some of us have truly been where you are and are willing to help you in any way possible. I'm here for you if you ever want/need to talk. I don't post much on this site but am usually around, k? Know that you are not alone! And as for not wanting to not want to use, hey girl, hang in there. They tell me that it gets easier with time and step work! Today I just have to believe those that have already gone through this. On the forefront, I don't want to use either, but boy that playground in my mind gets busy and the thoughts sure jump up telling me how it will make everything tolerable & much easier to work through. Yeah right! I have to grab someone and ask for help when this happens and today that is ok. Hang in there and keep sharing. Honest sharing is what got me started on the right road this time and I hope to continue doing it. . . for a long time to come. There is lots of recovery on this list and people willing to reach out. Take advantage of what's offered and remember that no matter what you don't have to use.
I spoke with you in NA chat tonight, and saw this post. From talking to you in chat, I can honestly say I know what it feels like to be where you are. Almost like an animal backed into a corner with no way out. It's a scary place to be. The good news is that you are trying to stand up and quit running, and put an end to the misery you have suffered at the hands of others, but mostly the damage you caused yourself.
That being said, it was so nice to hear your story, and to see you respond to others in the way they responded to you. I suggest you give the program a try, and go to a few meetings to find a woman you can relate to, then ask her to be your sponsor. From there it takes some work, but you'll be able to find what you've looked for all along. Peace that passes comprehension.
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Faith: the substance of things hoped for, the belief in things unseen
Good to hear from you again. Thank you so much for sharing with us. I can so relate, especially I have a very hard time admitting my powerlessness over many things today, like the way my wife thinks, feels or acts, the way some members in the local fellowship here in my town behave, the frequent powercuts, when one of my sponsees relapse... I can understand how hard it is to admit the fact that I'm an addict. Have been there, and felt it all, and still do sometimes, in other aspects as mentioned above.
However, I realized after some real difficult time admitting my problem that the paradox of NA recovery lies in the admission of that very fact. By admitting, life did not become difficult and scary as I thought it would... By admitting, I found the freedom I actually needed to do all the right things for the right reasons in my life again... Admitting my addiction gave me the permission to not use, for the first time in my life. I was free to choose... just because my head says so, I realized that it is not at all necessary for me to believe my head and act out... As long as I accept the fact that I'm an addict, I don't have to use, I can't use... And that's a great relief, believe me... That is exactly what it means in NA when it is said "Surrender to win", by admitting defeat to drugs, we actually win our right to live.
I would rather assume that I'm an addict and live the rest of my life in NA than die trying to prove that I'm not...
Trisha, always remember, no matter what, we never have to do it alone... We have each other... By sharing and caring the NA way, we do recover... new possibilities arise... We will be amazed if we can open our minds and try this new way of life ~ the NA way...
Hugs, Love, Light ~ Tahir.
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"If we do an honest examination of exactly what we are giving, we are better able to evaluate the results we are getting."Chapter 10 - Emotional Pain - NA Way of Life.
How have you been lately? Please do drop in here at MIP once in a while and let us know how you are doing. Hope and pray that all is well with you and your loved ones. Hugs and Love.
Tahir.
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"If we do an honest examination of exactly what we are giving, we are better able to evaluate the results we are getting."Chapter 10 - Emotional Pain - NA Way of Life.
"If we do an honest examination of exactly what we are giving, we are better able to evaluate the results we are getting."Chapter 10 - Emotional Pain - NA Way of Life.
Hi tahir im not so good. I just posted a previous post im hanging in been going to the chatroom on a reg basis. It has helped. Hope all is well with u hope to see you there .
