So I am at a point now with my pain that I just have to surender, dam! I dont like it at all. I had been looking forward to the toronto convention for a long time, I dont like to miss a thing at these events it's like a recovery boost for me. So even though I have been bed riden for 3 weeks I decided I was going come hell or high water. Well let me tell you it was certinaly hell! Man I was in so much pain there I really should have stayed home. My sponsor asked me to write about all the feelings I was having while I was pushing myself to go up the stairs and hold back the tears. I am always surprised at what comes out when I write things down, it seams I feel week and broken and dont want anyone to know how bad it really is. When I thought about why I wanted to look strong and able bodied I realized I have a real issue with people being concerned about me. I just dont like it , it makes me feel very uncomfortable. Having done my step 4 I put 2 and 2 together and realize that it is just something unfimilure to me. See I grew up in an addict family and never had anyone truly care about me an I dont know how to accept it now when people do. Man thats messed up, I have lots of work to do. This pain has taught me more about myself than I was ready to learn, it's really a lot to handle. I hope I can make it back to my regular meetings soon, they will give me a chance to work on letting others care for me. Right now I would just love to have a conversation with someone that was not focused on my pain but I think thats just me wanting to avoid attention because I'm so uncomfortable with it. I am starting to feel a little better so hopefully this thing will calm down and let me get back to my life. Thanks for being here for me guys
i really hate the mental @ss whipping i have to take before a true surender kicks in
Surrender and control are opposite actions. Surrender means to give up our controlling actions and ideas, our confused perspective about life and to become real. It means we can’t play God unless we are willing to live with the consequences of our actions. We didn’t write the script for reality, we aren’t even good actors. Our true place is to remove ourselves from any unpractical situation our ego places us in, pray for guidance, and let the universe govern itself as it has since the dawn of time.
We do need to work on accepting people, places, things, and situations outside of us as a part of reality. This will bring us to the spiritual principle of humility. If we are not humble we will crumble and turn ourselves into over expectant children of God.
We no longer have to be reactors, but accepters of reality. We react out of fear. We react because we are anxious, and full of self-defeating questions and a lack of spiritual answers. It puts our body into survival mode, looking for a fix. We don’t have to become emotionally involved with our problems, ever. We don’t have to take everything so personal.
We can stop controlling the world to, God has that taken care of. No matter how our ego has told us its our job, its not. Remember who wrote the script. Control is an illusion. Control blocks Gods power, and He’s not the one with power issues, we are. It stops all spiritual growth for all involved. Surrender is our admission of defeat. We cant, He can, let go of the uncontrolables, God has them covered.
In every stage in our recovery we are releasing what we’ve outgrown. In time in our recovery we know God is lovingly guiding us,and refuses to intervene in our lives until we accept circumstances as they are,reality.In all situations there is a degree of denial. It brings shock, numbness, confusion, panic,and a sense of loss. It is a natural, instinctive,and reactive to change,loss,or pain. It is the shock absorber to the soul. The next thing to come is anger, which is a reaction to the truth. We may once again try to find a victim to blame. We can blame people, places, things, situations and God for our feelings. Then we try to bargain with reality. We will unconsciously make deals with people, places, God,and anyone around. We try to set off a chain of events routed in control. When none of that dope dealing addict behavior works we fall into depression. The gig is up. No happy dance for us today. Then when we get real, and spiritual, God steps in.SURRENDER.No more fighting with reality. After surrender we get acceptance.
Surrender is not necessarily a loss,but it’s a pause to invite God into a situation so it can become practical. It means to release the emotional attachment to an outcome. It is a skill we can use constantly in our recovery. To surrender is to truly let go of the uncontrolables. It is a calling card to God, the universe. It allows the universe to do its job, and for us to relax. It is a physical experience: the control we are letting go of is in the muscles, felt as tightness and restraint. To surrender is the act of relaxing the muscles grip and simply let yourself be. The more we want the program the more we will practice surrender. Constantly practice giving up control. Repeat the following exercise at least
three times a day,
Stop for a minute: close your eyes, inhale deeply. Say the serenity prayer, or the third step prayer. Any tension and trouble can be turned over this way. If the daily trouble is still there repeat it until God owns your issues. We cant, He can.
When we are sick of living in the problem, spiritual principles work. When we feel victimized, it is because some person, place, thing, or situation refuses to follow our egos direction. We can learn to be responsible and accountable for ourselves.
that may help. hope you feel better soon
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dalin a unity means oneity...one god, one fellowship,one sponsor,one program...many gifts
Sorry your in so much pain we can, something about what you wrote made me sad to the point that my eyes watered up I guess I hate hearing about others who didn't get what they needed as a child, my God why can't a child just get the simplest of needs met by a parent, I guess our addicted parents were just unable to give even those most basic things to us, but we can't hold onto that pain and hurt anymore the past can't dictate our futures any longer once we realize whats there behind the scenes.
there is alot behind pain, physical pain can be difficult to work thru and deal with I rmeember relapsing over it once long time ago just couldn't deal with it and actually USED it as an excuse to use, don't fall to that hang on!
Thanks Big V, I am hanging on and things are getting a little better. I have made it to a couple of meetings this week . Funny thing just yesterday I was at my home group and I had the erge to share about how I dont get why people relaps, I cant emagin for a min. wanting to do something that would just make my pain worse. I guess my memories of life befor recovery are sticking close enough to me to help me see it's not where I want to be. I just cant emagin that getting high would make anything better or easer, guess I'm one of the lucky ones. I have seen a lot of friends go back out when there life became dificult, for me when that happens I realize I have to just work a little harder and stay focused. Not always easy but better than having to start all over. Thanks for being here.
we can I can share this much about my last relapse and pain.
There certainly was already emotional pain and loss over a relationship I had been in but then the back flaired up also, due to over working myself in the gym, so I got some pain meds from a friend and they brought me some relief from both pains I was going thru. I recognized it immediately after taking several pills that things just got less painful and I hurt less, emotionally and physically so to be honest I rationalized using them more, even after the physical pain went away. Then I started using 3,4,5,6 pills at a time and new I had relapsed, especially since by then I started craving drugs and mostly alcohol.
Towards the end of all that one day I took 15 pain pills and ended up going to the store and buying a bottle and by the time I was halfway thru that bottle I was buying my drug of choice, that being crack cocaine.
Months earlier looking foreward to my 6 year clean, I saw relapse coming, I was going to more meetings and even some special groups trying to work on things but there was something I wasn't getting, and that was that my life had become unmanageable and I was fighting that tooth and nail, holding onto someone and something I should have let go of, the pain was excruciating, all I needed to do was let go but I wouldn't.
So it happened, never thought it would ever again I thought I had it beat , it's never beat entirely things will come along in life and you'll be tested, stay prepared.
Hey, I had non-addict parents, normal ones, but still, they couldn't give me what I expected or thought I needed and must be given by them. I guess parents being also human and vulnerable and limited as such, just like us or any other person, with whatever understanding and ability they had, tried to give their best that was possible. When they could not fulfil our desires, it's just that they were not able to, due to various circumstances, be it their own addiction or any other shortcoming.
When I did my fourth, I realized that I felt bad about my childhood and not being loved enough, and held resentments against my parents, not because they did not fulfil what they must have, but because I felt they did not fulfil what I wanted them to... I realized how unfair of me to have expected such things from them... I started owning my hurts and disappointments... they did not hurt me... I felt hurt due to my own inability to cope with reality then... I am grateful for this realization and to my first Sponsor and the fourth and fifth steps in my life today... Today, I accept them and love them as they are, unconditionally, with no strings attached...
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"If we do an honest examination of exactly what we are giving, we are better able to evaluate the results we are getting."Chapter 10 - Emotional Pain - NA Way of Life.
WeCan, thank you so much for sharing your feelings with us. I have to admit I was glad to read your posts again here, and to see that you are progressing well towards your recovery from the surgery... Amazing how some painful experiences actually turn out to be blessings in the sense that they open up our mind to an aspect or area of our life that we did not get to look at before. All the challenges in our daily life are a wonderful opportunities to explore life and recovery further, and grow...
Glad we have you with us, WeCan. Please keep sharing with us how you are doing. Dalin always updated us on your wellbeing while you were away... missed you...
Hugs, Love, Light ~ Tahir.
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"If we do an honest examination of exactly what we are giving, we are better able to evaluate the results we are getting."Chapter 10 - Emotional Pain - NA Way of Life.
So I am at a point now with my pain that I just have to surender, dam! I dont like it at all. I had been looking forward to the toronto convention for a long time, I dont like to miss a thing at these events it's like a recovery boost for me. So even though I have been bed riden for 3 weeks I decided I was going come hell or high water. Well let me tell you it was certinaly hell! Man I was in so much pain there I really should have stayed home. My sponsor asked me to write about all the feelings I was having while I was pushing myself to go up the stairs and hold back the tears. I am always surprised at what comes out when I write things down, it seams I feel week and broken and dont want anyone to know how bad it really is. When I thought about why I wanted to look strong and able bodied I realized I have a real issue with people being concerned about me. I just dont like it , it makes me feel very uncomfortable. Having done my step 4 I put 2 and 2 together and realize that it is just something unfimilure to me. See I grew up in an addict family and never had anyone truly care about me an I dont know how to accept it now when people do. Man thats messed up, I have lots of work to do. This pain has taught me more about myself than I was ready to learn, it's really a lot to handle. I hope I can make it back to my regular meetings soon, they will give me a chance to work on letting others care for me. Right now I would just love to have a conversation with someone that was not focused on my pain but I think thats just me wanting to avoid attention because I'm so uncomfortable with it. I am starting to feel a little better so hopefully this thing will calm down and let me get back to my life. Thanks for being here for me guys
