wife of addict

sadgirl · Newbie

wife of addict

peggy · Senior Member

if someone needs the link where I reach out for support for the problem of codependency and if someone has a spouse who is an addict and need help, please mail me at polartorch@yahoo.co.in for the link...

Also check out the Alanon Forum here at this site. The link is http://www.activeboard.com/forum.spark?forumID=42727

Prayers and Love ~ Tahir.

peggy · Senior Member

dear sadgirl.

my heart goes out to you. and your family. i was a crackhead too and been around users for a lot of years and seen how it destroys families and lives. mine included.

The one thing that i've noticed is that it is a progressive decease. always getting worse and worse...in the last couple of years after starting up again after being clean for 13 years i was binging too. i would go for days or weeks and sometimes months without using but something would always draw me back. and i noticed that every time, i got a bit more out of hand. would use more and stay stoned longer..

it would always start out the same. some friend would invite me out to "party" and in my sick mind i'd think "ok but just for a few hours or a few rocks." i'd start out only buying a $20 or $40 dollor rock and thnk that will do me for the night. but it was NEVER enough!!!

when i was straight i wouldn't go to my favourate resturant because i'd have to spend $15 dollor for lunch , but once i started "parting" i justified spending $50. ,$100. $300.and so on... until i either ran out of money, hit my limit at the ATM,or ran out of dealers.

the next day i would shake my head and think "WHAT WAS I THINKING?????????" and would have to scramble to figure out how to pay the phone bill which i spent, or the car payment that went up in smoke. i'd borrow from pat to pay paul as the saying goes.

and i'd think to myself "THIS IS INSANE!!!!" i'm never doing that again.! but there was always another time , another place. THIS TIME I'LL STICK TO MY BUDGET,i'll only spend XXX tonight . Ya right!!! do i really need to go grocory shopping , i got enough food to last me til next pay check (if i don't miss too many days because of parting)

to make a long story short, on my last binge, which lasted to my surprise weeks, it had cost me my car....i rearended another car without even seeing that it stopped or was even there. thank you HP no one was hurt. my job. all my money in my account, my credit cards which i maxed out. and then lost do to not being able to pay. my health, my so called friends, my sense of right and wrong,my soul, my sanity,

and i've watched and been with other people who have shared this road with me , wonderful fun loving people distroy there lives. where the drugs take over EVERYTHING in there lives.

the reason i'm sharing this story with you is because this is what happened to me. and 99% of the people i used with. This is a serious decease which only gets worse if they don't stop...

I'm new here and don't have all the answers or know what i should or shouldn't say to you.

But in my humble opinion , i'd find out more about what your husband is going through with the help or these sites. ask tahir for that link and talk to him. and others before making any desitions on moving you and the kids back with him.

i worry about your children, there father won't be the same man they know when he is high.

has he gone to any NA meetings? gone to any councelling? maybe a rehab ? talk to him about these things before going back to him. it's not just you that's involed here. you have to take care of yourself and your kids before you can take care of him...

i hope i was able to shine some light on what's going on through my story, and there is hope!! just look at all the people here on MIP. we're all making it and your husband can too, if he's willing to be honest and work on it like we do...

hope to hear back from you. ttyl. peggy

Tahir · Member

Ok. The link is http://www.naranon.com/board/

sadgirl, I'm a husband of an addict, and I reach out for understanding and support at this family group of Naranon. So far it has been of immense help to me to share others' experience, strength and hope at this forum. Please try it out. It might work for you too.

I'll have you in my prayers tonight.

Blessings and Peace ~ Tahir.

sadgirl · Newbie

thank you all for your help. My husband told me today that he slept with the woman he got high with this weekend. That she was better than me in bed..and that he has slept with two other women since Feb..two months before he brought me to my parents house..I slept with him before he brought me home..I am so afraid and ashamed and really in deep sorrow..the drug has made a new man out of him..I just do not know him anymore..he is so cold and cruel to me. I told him I forgive him and that we need counseling..he said no that would do no good..he could not assure me that he would not sleep with other women..and he said rehab was a joke..the people he gets high with have been in rehab several times...I had nothing to say to that..I pray I recover from this for my children's sake..he spent 400-500 from Sun to Tues..on crack..I love him and yet..it is not enough.

BigV · Senior Member

Get some help with this,(Alanon) it may be time for you to leave him to his addiction before you get hurt any worse maybe it will be a wakeup call for him and free you of this terrible burden.

BigV · Senior Member

My last girlfriend left me because even sober, I am,was abusive. It was a HUGE wakeup call for me and i'm working on this . I've taken a really hard look at myself and why I do certain things and my defects in my charecter are and were seriously flawed.

I feel the changes, I have gotten more patient and tolerant, more understanding of others and more considerate, but it's slow and I am constantly test, now that I am more aware of myself every opportunity I work on these things.

sadgirl · Newbie

yes I must let go..you cannot make someone do the right thing much less love you..it is just so confusing with this drug because he changes literally week to week..he said he really did want us back but has no explanation as to why he would then go have sex with the woman he got high with..I feel so abused and unloved by him.

Tahir · Member

The following are the patterns of Codependency, the illness that we suffer from when we are exposed to our loved one's addiction, and the transforming patterns of Sobriety through which we can recover from our illness of codependency... Hope this helps... Identifying these patterns of codependency in myself and transforming into the corresponding Sobriety patterns have helped me tremendously to overcome my codependency a lot... and to recover from it... These patterns apply to any two people in a relationship too, be it addicts or non-addicts...

THE SAVIOUR (Codependency): I have to save my loved one from the consequences of his or her actions, emotions or thoughts, so as to be able to feel good.

RECIPROCITY (Sobriety): My loved one needs to know the consequences of his or her actions, emotions and thoughts, just like I need to know the consequences of mine, so that we both can become more enlightened.

THE SEDUCER (Codependency): My loved one cannot bear to know how I act, feel or think, and therefore I have to suppress, deny, twist, manipulate, lie or falsify that image of my reality, which I pass on to him or her, so as to be able to feel good.

TRUE REALITY IMAGE (Sobriety): I need to know the reality of my loved one as it is, and my loved one needs to know my reality as it is, so that we can form a truer image of reality.

THE OFFENDER (Codependency): My loved one acts, feels or thinks in the wrong way, and it is my task to change him or her so as to be able to feel good.

RESPECT FOR OTHERS (Sobriety): My loved one needs to act, feel and think in accordance with his or her reality as it is, just like I need to act, feel and think in accordance with my reality as it is, so that we can find out how to create a daily life, which satisfies us both.

THE VICTIM (Codependency): I have to sacrifice my money, energy, time and interest for my loved one so as to be able to feel good.

RESPECT FOR ONE SELF (Sobriety): I need my time, energy, money and interest to build up my life so as to be able to create a daily life for myself, which satisfies me, so that I will able to feel good.

Raman · Guru

The three Cs for family to remember=

1.I did not cause addiction,,,

its not because of me that the addict behaves like this !!!

2.i cannot control the addict ,, he suffers from a disease

remember he maybe counselled,threatened,beated up,prayed over,locked up,treated etc,,, but will never recover unless and until he has a sinciere desire to stop using !!!!

3.thers no cure for addiction,,in asmuch as like in other diseases they may be a therapy or prescription or medical operation that will cure the disease and hopefully one can get on with life in a normal way !!!

theres no such thing for addiction,,,,,even without the drugs addiction can progress based on defects of character !!!

However when an addict uses the 12 Step Tradition of NA ,,, and begins to live the Program,,, many changes take place including long periods of complete and continous abstinence for all mood changing and mind altering drugs, as well as becoming a responisible and productive member of scoiety !!!

I was a using addict and now thank God I am a recovering and clean addict for many years,,,,,, and i truly believe that any addict can recover !!!

god Bless you in your recovery from your husbands addiction !!!

dalin · Senior Member

also try this sight

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/nar-anon/

peggy · Senior Member

you guys have so much wisdom, thanks for sharing........peggy

dalin · Senior Member

naranon is na brother program.

like alanon is the aa attachment.

in the past i made naranon,because i was in a relationship with an addict.

once i had to make some alanon meetings on vacation.

it let me know that naranon was my home.

the naranon meetings were filled with either newcomers dealing with addicts,or oldtimers that had dealt with junky,cracksmokers,etc

the other fellowship was ok,but the age diferance between the other members and i started at a 20 year diferance.

so it was like having a meeting with grandma and her freinds.

which is ok.

i just found naranon to fit my disease better(they have na understanding) and i was able to relax better there.

any port in a storm,i just hope all my storms are close to naranon

Tahir · Member

Thanks, Dalin, for sharing that about your Naranon experiences. I'm new to Naranon, only lately reaching out for help as the addiction part of me and my spouse started showing up sometimes inspite of both having a working program of recovery in our daily life, which I found is natural, we both being addicts and having the disease of addiction... but I find Naranon to be a good program to arrest my codependency towards my spouse's addiction...

Thanks also for the link, I'll definitely check that out too...

Glad we have someone among us with a wealth of experience like you, Raman, BigV, John, Lon and all the other kindred spirits of MIP...

Hugs, Love, Light ~ Tahir.

-- Edited by Tahir at 01:27, 2006-10-27

sadgirl · Newbie

thanks so much for all the info and support! I told my husband that I really forgive him because I can do all things through God..I also told him to know that he can overcome his addiction but only if he wants to work on it..no magical cure just effort and more effort..I support him and I love him and I forgive him..it is the best of myself that I want to offer to him and I feel that giving him the full support of a loving wife will at the least show him that there is power in forgiveness and restoration and that it is a valuable and precious reality for the addict. I do not know what will happen but he did tell me that he would be a fool to let me go..I hurt so much and only God knows what will happen but then again, He is in control of my life anyway. Thank you all so much for this forum. It is comforting to know and see that others have succesfully achieved and maintained sobriety throught much effort and a strong desire to get control of their lives.

dalin · Senior Member

im not knocking alanon.it is that naranon has the same understanding of the disease of addiction that na has

http://www.naranon.ca/aboutaddiction.htm

all recovery is good.just some programs have a diferant understanding of the disease of addiction.naranons steps agree with nas understanding of our disease.

one chemical was never my problem.

-- Edited by dalin at 16:03, 2006-10-27

dalin · Senior Member

and we do hope you find the help you need.

peggy · Senior Member

hi sadgirl. how are things going for you . it's a rough road you're on right now and i wish you the best. we're always here if you need someone to talk to ...and let us know if you're ok... hope to talk to you soon . my prays and best wishes are sent to you....peggy

i can't wait til i hear you're not so sad anymore....

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