thanks for suggesting i should go anyway, tears or not tears...

i just got back from an NA meeting....and it felt "good"!!!!!!!

one of my eyes was feeling itchy, but not like in the AA rooms, and luckily we have a smoke break half way through so i was able to get myself together before i lost it. when we resumed the meeting i spoke up and shared what i've been going through, and why i think this was happening.

the first week of my misery i thought it was do to the fact my mom is really sick and i fear she's going to die soon. so i was putting all the blame on that. but after thinking about it, it didn't seem to fit right. i've finally came to the conclusion that what was triggering these out bursts came from my chidlhood. when i wasn't excepted,was regected, etc.

here's why i think this...

i wasn't allowed to join browines because i was a year to old , having not started school til i was 7 so i could learn to speak a bit of english first. i couldn't join girl guides because i never went to brownies....lol..in grade 2, i couldn't join the girls to get my  first communion because my bapitism papers were in the mail from germany. ( see a pattern here??)

and the very worst was my first grade teacher. she hated me , could stand that i was soo slow and would punish me at very opportunity. which i gave her a lot of, not knowing the lauguish and basic principles of english.

it finally came to a head around the middle of the school year when once again i didn't get something and she got so mad that she grabbed me and my desk out of the rows , threw me over it and beat me with a ruler in front of the class . rather then send me to the principles office to get him to do her dirty work like her normally did...

from that day til the end of the school year her made me keep my desk agaonst the wall, at the back of the class by the coat room , away from all the other children , away from the rows of seats that the other kids were a part of. my desk sat alone at the back of the class . ( when my mom came to an open house i showed her my deck and she asked why it was not with the others... even at that age i came up with a lie and said my teacher had used it to put up posters on the wall. i was to assamed and embarassed to tell her the truth as i saw it back then.

i guess the reason i started crying at meetings is because i felt that i was again being left out , not excepted, regected, that the safe heaven i'd found in these rooms was only an elusion and i really didn't fit in , i wasn't one of them , and i didn't belong....

but tonight at the NA meeting i shared a bit of this and cryed a bit , but it was a good , cleansing cry. i felt good for the first time since that aa meeting . and i truly did feel at home again....THANK YOU ALL FOR BEING PART OF NA. AND FOR BEING HERE FOR ME.. as an adult i realise how silly this all is , but the the little girl inside me still weeps at being regeted and scared to death of losing what i've finally found. fellowship with people who are just like me in so many ways. where i "do" fit in and where i can join and be accepted.....thanks for listening.   sorry for the bad spelling.....peggy