I am glad I have found this board. I have spent the last couple of days (while I should be working) reading various posts.
I can particularly relate to the posts by Adriana as I struggled with addiction to prescription drugs for quite some time. I can feel her want to stop, but at the same time fear of stopping and I can really relate. It took me having a siezure in my house in front of my kids before I could stop. I hated using, but could not bear the withdrawal, so I am in some respect, thankful that I ended up in the hospital. But, as many have said, once the withdrawl was over, the real struggle began. I began to have extreme difficulty keeping up at my extremely demanding job, without the use of drugs, so I started abusing diet pills (basically amphetamines that you could order over the internet). But I stayed off the opiates, until one day I had a root canal, and I was prescribed 12 pain pills. I figured what the heck, took them and was amazed at how fast I was back in the downward spiral. I started looking on the internet for vicodin and sure enough, I found a site. I took a chance and low and behold, I received 90 pills in just a couple of days. BTW, they were gone in a couple of days as well. So I ordered again, but this time they didn't arrive so quickly and I was actually happy that they didn't, because I recognized that I was in trouble. BUT, they did arrive and the package was opened at work and the police got involved. This is when I discovered that my only out was to just be totally honest and spill my guts. The police performed a scare tactic once I told them by telling me that I had committed a felony and could spend 3 years in prison, but eventually they just let me go home with my head hanging between my head. I never heard back from them, but my boss found out about it and it was either rehab or no job. So I went to rehab, and began to attend NA meetings. This was 2 years ago, and I have had some slips, but I get back up the best I can. But I have been somewhat lax in my attendance at NA meetings, so I am glad I found this site. You all seem very genuine and it has been very helpful for me reading through the posts. I actually want to get back to NA now and am looking to go to a meeting tonight.
Anyway, my story is quite long, and this is just a summary, but I want to stop here. I just wanted to express my gratitude to you guys for providing such a great site for sharing.
Thank you, Mike, for sharing with us. And Welcome home to Miracles In Progress. Glad we have you here. Look forward to hear more of your experience, strength and hope. Keep sharing. We need you too.
I can relate with the pill thing. I started abusing psychiatric pills that were prescribed for my Bipolar to such an extent that I ended up shooting them IV, as popping them stopped giving me the instant fix. I went into lots of problems like epileptic attacks, abscesses in my arms, disabling depression and many crazy manic episodes as a result. It took me a long time, in my Higher Power's own time to realize that it was not the pill or the booze or the weed or the harry but the problem was "ME", my sick head...
I'm Tahir, a recovering addict from India.
Hugs, Love, Light ~ Tahir.
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"If we do an honest examination of exactly what we are giving, we are better able to evaluate the results we are getting."Chapter 10 - Emotional Pain - NA Way of Life.
Thanks guys for your responses. I plan to share more with you guys in the coming days and hope to be an active member of this board. I am OK, just have a lot of things floating around in my head and really need to share.
I have come to realize (probably because of my poor attendance at NA meetings) that I feel alone without having somebody to "vent" to. Sure, I am very lucky to have a loving wife and two beautiful children and a family who is totally supportive, but as much as I vent to them, it is not the same as talking to a fellow addict. There is just not the theraputic value there. They can love you and support you, but there is absolutely no way that they can understand. So I get stuck in a situation where it is me and my head (and we all know that is not the place to be). I loved the post I saw somewhere the other day that said something to the effect of "Shut up head...You're killing me". I can totally relate.
So I will continue to open up and share with you guys as I have more time to do so, because I really need that outlet.
Yes sammy this is an awsome site.. i found another one the same day as this one... and shared a few thoughts with them , but it's nothing like this one , there they are all sending pretty pictures and laughing and sending jokes...it's more like a chat room then a recovery room. don't get me wrong , laughter is the best medicine in the world , but it's nice to be talking with people that are thinking the program. who share there hope, wisdom and faith. keep coming back , i plan to....
I've spent the last 3 months here after a relapse after being clean for nearly 6 years. I realized I NEEDED something daily and I don't make alot of meetings so this is where part of my program is. I work the programs steps and principles the best I can and I am always ALWAYS aware that that is number 1 in my life each morning and thru my day, to be working a program of recovery somehow and someway.
If you need anything these guys and gals are here for you they always have been for me, jsut commenting or suggesting something shows they care, these are good people here, only a handful but it's enough and it's QUALITY
Thanks guys... It is really nice to have somewhere recovery related to go to first thing in the morning. I could tell, just from reading through the posts that you guys are genuine and really provide a positive atmosphere of recovery. I see quite a bit of "we need you here" and I get that. As an addict you think that you are the one that needs help, but when you reach out, you are also helping other addicts because they get to help you. And I believe that all of us are extremely loving people and more than anything else, helping others really feels good.
Big V - I am hanging in there. Was out of town last week on business and never got a chance to log on to the site. I was also pretty depressed last week and was really not wanting to face the world. I was just going through the motions of living.
As I stated on my other post, I told my wife of my stealing the Adderall on Sunday and I had a flight out that night, so I left and we didn't really get a chance to talk much. She is an incredible person. She gets it. While I was in rehab, everyone in my family was so supportive and loving, but not her. She would come down to see me and read me the riot act. People at rehab with me did not like her because of this, but I understood what she was doing and if not for her, I would not be this far.
Anyway, I am back in town this week and we are slowly sorting things out. But I am extremely depressed and can't seem to shake it. I could not sleep last night and am very anxious about everything. I start shaking and crying for no reason and I just can't explain it to her when I do. As I write this now, I am not sure I can explain my emotions. I can just say they are extremely raw. But this site is helping me to "get out of my head" which I really need.
I know I really need a sponsor (have known it for quite some time), because I don't really have a friend to talk to about this, so it just builds up. My wife is a good friend, but she is not an addict and try as I might, I just can't make her understand. Its not her fault, she is really trying to understand me, but I am not sure I understand myself right now.
My biggest problem right now is that I am not focusing on my self because all I do is worry about my family, going to work, being a loving husband and father, etc. What I really need is to just focus on me, but I can't because of all my responsibilities. So I continue to get more and more stressed, which in turn is really ending up depressing me.
Anyway, sorry for the long response and all the rambling. My thoughts are all over the place and again, I really appreciate this board for providing me a place to share my feelings with other addicts that seem to understand.
I heard something that really has helped, the person said not to expect others to understand us, we need to try and understand them, they are the normal ones we are the ones who are all screwed up LOL, it made sense to me since I am always so totally into ME, I guess getting out of ourselves can be a good thing since most of us are extremely self centered, I know I am, any problem is MY HUGE PROBLEM and it's always abut ME ME ME.
Once you start identifying things and they come up , you can say to yourself ' Ok here it is again now how am I going to react to it", don't let it own you. You can pray on it, or discuss it with someone, you can tear it apart and find the outter and inner workings of this thing, or you can say " I am THRU with this I will not have it anymore" and do something totally different then what your used to doing.
It's all work in progress man and it aint happenin over night for any of us, slow progress , baby steps....
So true, BigV. "Slow But Sure", "This, Too, Shall Pass" and "It Does Get Better" are two things that I stronly draw my hope and strength from.
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"If we do an honest examination of exactly what we are giving, we are better able to evaluate the results we are getting."Chapter 10 - Emotional Pain - NA Way of Life.
((((((((((Mike)))))))))), thank you so much for sharing with us. Glad to know that your Higher Power has brought you through all that you went thru last week. And happy to hear that you have such loving support from your wife. That always helps, even if they don't understand our addiction part as such.
Mike, when I decided that I will take no more take any mood-altering or mind-changing drug to change the way I feel or the state of my mind, no matter what, I went thru a very difficult and painful time too...
For almost the first 6 months of my recovery, I had sleeplessness creating havoc in the nights, I went thru bouts of severe disabling depression regularly, almost every day of those first few months... I had two options then... Either to get back to some pill that may numb my feelings and state of mind (not eliminate) or let it be and try to learn ways to cope so that I have some tools, internal not external, spiritual not chemical, that I can always use for the rest of my life whenever depression or anxiety rears its ugly head... And here, the program of Narcotics Anonymous had a lot to offer me...
I started by making meetings, spill my guts out there with people with whom I grew comfortable with, who could relate and empathise with my problem, and sometimes, in the meeting itself, caring not about who thinks what... I was only bothered about my unbearable pain and the fact that I need to get it out of my system... The moment I share, I could already feel the healing... I was gradually able to accept my feelings and my state of mind, be it depression or anxiety or anger or fear. I started seeing the little progress that I was going thru everyday, and drew hope from a Power greater than my problems, that could help me, support me, and heal me ~ The NA Meetings, Program and the Fellowship. Sometimes, it was hard. I could not get myself to get up from my bed, put on something and go to a meeting...
Sometimes, I had to get up because the pain of lying down on the bed, staring at the ceiling, crying and self-injuring, entertaining suicidal thoughts seemed more threatening and scary than that thought of having to get up and go for a meeting... I made these meetings no matter what... I listened to what others had to share... I realized that there were many more in recovery for sometime now who had almost equally disastrous situations and sometimes, I heard other newcomers share about problems and pain that was far more worse than what I was going thru... That gave me strength, and also a feeling of gratitude for what I have and it could have been much worse...
Making meetings, sharing with sponsor/other members, involving myself in fellowshipping and service, prayer and trying my best to have a conscious contact with my Higher Power (whatever that Power might be, at that moment of time, be it fellowship or my wife or my parents, the Steps, spiritual principles, meetings, or God), applying the program as best as we can with the guidance of our Sponsor, reading NA literature at times of depression, especially JFT, Basic Text and It Works: How & Why, The IPs... all helps... and in a few days or weeks or months, suddenly, we find we are feeling better, at peace, the day and the world and the poeple, all look beautiful... and the smile is back on our lips...
__________________
"If we do an honest examination of exactly what we are giving, we are better able to evaluate the results we are getting."Chapter 10 - Emotional Pain - NA Way of Life.
Thank you gentlemen, for sharing your stories ....Peggy.
p.s.
i see myself in all of you and you give me hope. Mike , the tears will stop.. i just finished a couple of weeks of doing the same thing as you. crying for no reason that i could figure out . one word or thought and i'd be in tears..i was feeling alone, i couldn't face me NA , AA guys. and was just digging myself deeper into depression, and self pity.
that's when i went looking for some answers and support and found it here at MTP,
.... as i was reading your message and those from the other guys i realized i haven't cried (except at movies) for over a week or so..i can't even remember when the last time was...( this is a good thing..lol..)
i'm still an addict, i still have problems, and i know i'll have another bout of tears and sadness on the horizion, but i also know that i have you and the people here to lean on when times get tough. and that these bouts are only temperary. and soon will pass...give yourself a break mike , you've been under a lot of pressure , both from the outside world and from yourself. it's normal to cry when we've burned ourselves out.. vitamins might help, the B's are aspose to be really helpful. and exercise is a great stress reliever which also helps us sleep better...
that care and give yourself a break , you deserve it ... hugs... ttyl .. peggy
Thank you Big V, Tahir and Peggy for your compassion and your insights. I have not felt like I have a friend in a long time, and now all of the sudden, I feel like I have 3 and I have never met you guys. But that is what is so great about NA, we all have so much in common. Just like you guys could relate to my stories, so was I able to relate to yours.
Sadly, though, I screwed up once again last night and I think my wife is about to give up on me. I came home early for Halloween to help get the kids ready and instead of helping, I just sat there and felt sorry for myself. Then, even though I knew my wife would catch me, I stole the key to the safe and drove my son over to a friend's house. My plan was to unlock the safe and get the key back before she noticed, but I also knew this was an absolutely stupid plan. Cunning, baffling and powerful indeed. I got back and she was gone trick or treating with my daughter and even though I knew she knew what I had done, I went ahead and opened the safe. That was when my heart sank, all the meds were moved, so I knew she had caught me. I returned the key and walked down the street to meet them and she just glared at me. So other than me saying something to the effect that I don't know what to say because there are only so many "I'm sorry's" I can say, we have not spoken. She just text messaged me and told me that she would not be home tonight and suggested I go to a meeting, which I had planned to do. But the fact that she will not be home, hasn't responded to my response, leads me to believe that I am really in trouble. I did pray this morning and it has been very helpful to me just to get through this day.
I will go to a meeting tonight, go home and then face the music. I will keep you guys informed and again, thanks for your kind words.
Mike, could it be that your Higher Power is trying to tell you something here? Many a times, when I observe closely to what's happening currently in my life, and instead of seeing who is saying what and why so and so is behaving in such a manner or why things are turning out in a particular manner, I try to see the bigger picture and realize a greater design, beyond me, trying to direct me towards what that Power beyond me wants me to do, to learn, to realize and to become... that actually makes things quite simple for me... and I just follow these directions, knowing very well, that things and people around me are exactly as they must be at this moment for my own benefit, conspiring to carry me thru my pain and into hope and freedom...
As the paradox of NA goes, from our weakness comes our strength... we surrender to win...
Prayers and best wishes, my friend and (((((big NA hugs))))) to you.
Tahir.
-- Edited by Tahir at 14:35, 2006-11-09
__________________
"If we do an honest examination of exactly what we are giving, we are better able to evaluate the results we are getting."Chapter 10 - Emotional Pain - NA Way of Life.
