Yesterday, I attended a rather disappointing area service meeting and walked out in a sad mood. It triggered a lot of questions, gushing out of my sadness and frustration, all at once. I wonder why we just can't follow the Steps, Traditions, Concepts, Guide To Local Services and other handbooks and guidelines in NA service. The ASC meeting turned into 'a free for all' show, between subcommittee members and observers and the executive body and I just could not follow any of the voices in the high pitched cacophony exploding all around. Strangely and funnily, the GSRs present there were the only members who could not get an opportunity to speak or express anything at all.

I wonder why we just are not able to practice the principles, steps and traditions we seem to practice efficiently well in our personal recoveries at the ASC too. Somehow, the ego edges the spirit out when it comes to service issues. Pride and personalities always rear their ugly heads. The one most important thing missing at these service meetings is a Loving Higher Power. I wonder if we would be behaving the same way if our Higher Power was actually visibly and physically present at the service meetings. Would we behave the same way then? Maybe we would oust him out of the room, just like we do to each other...

I was left wondering at the end of the meeting when I came out what has really changed in our recovery, apart from abstinence. We still employ the same tools that we did while active addiction ~ our defects of character. Only the plaything has changed ~ from drugs to pride, power and ego.

Yet, I try to work my Second Step by trying to come to believe that all this happens with a loving, caring and compassionate intention of our Higher Power, and that we will learn from our mistakes and change and grow, like the rising of the phoenix, although it might seem that there is no hope, and my mind would like me to believe that this is how it will be, we bunch of addicts thriving in chaos and disorder...

But I still surrender to this loving and caring intention with the help of my Third Step, and hence accepting everyone and everything as it is, and opening my mind as to not to look at these members with anger and frustration, but with love and compassion knowing that they are doing the best they can with the understanding and knowledge they have at this moment, just like me... And look at my own defects active in the situation and see what I can do as an individual member and as the GSR Alternate of my group. I pray that my Higher Power grants me the wisdom to see and know the difference between what I can change and what I'm powerless over.

Thank you all for sharing with me,

Hugs, Love, Light ~ Tahir.