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NA Message Board -> Narcotics Anonymous Message Board -> Wanted to use bad today
Post Info TOPIC: Wanted to use bad today
BigV


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Wanted to use bad today
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damn near did, guys were selling dope right up the street I was working at started fantasizing about the high, then thought it thru further.

I had an empty stomch till noon when i finished my work and decided rather then cop dope i'd go eat something first then if I felt like using still , well you get the idea.

I'm still sober right now .

What was going on inside? pain and anger, i made a few calls to vent on my ex things keep coming up that should have been flashing red lights for me and I chose to ignore them, why am I not taking responsibilty for my choices> I want to blame her, I guess I thought I could live with it,,, WRONG!

I should be happy but i'm not , I should be overjoyed actually but i'm sad.

Ok nuff whining from me I thank my higher power today for keeping me sober, I thought about you guys and having to come back here to say I relapsed, or maybe not maybe I wouldn't have the courage anymore to do that, I thought about starting over or maybe not, maybe not getting another chance, I thought about alot of things and it kept me sober it was my higher power today, the principles and a new way of thinking and acting.

Thanks everyone.

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BigV


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WHOA the just for today hits me right on the head, and I forgot to read it this morning for the first time in several months.



JUST FOR TODAY

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dalin


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well im glad you stayed clean.


a sponsee is having heart surgery in the morning so i made a meeting with him tonight.


i hope all is cool.


love ya man



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dalin a unity means oneity...one god, one fellowship,one sponsor,one program...many gifts
BigV


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Thanks Dalin hope your boy comes out of the surgery ok , best wishs for his improved health now.


Well i know better then to let my sugar get down too low, thats why they say dont get to hungry angry lonely or tired and I felt all 4 of those this morning, ALL AT ONCE

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adriana


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I'm glad you stayed clean too V-I hope you have a better day tomorrow, and i will talk to you soon


hugs (couldn't find a hug emotiocon-so hans=dshake it is)



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BigV


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My hope is that I am an inspiration to you of what you can also be doing. Fear is a big hurdle in our recovery but you can find courage you have that also within you not just fear, you just need to tap into it somehow and use it as a tool to overcome fear.


This is a chance for you to take hold of courage and let it guide you foreward, if you stay in the fear it will also guide you , to where ? the same place you've been thats where . So take this opportunity to move foreward, to gain a new power over your addiction , to be strong with a new weapon against yourSELF.

Try ( painter) painting a new picture or what your life can be like , imagine yourself clean and not hooked on something to help you get thru the rough times and life , where you are strong and independant and doing life on lifes terms. Don't you think you would respect someone like that? you would have self respect again Adriana.

We love you and hope for the best for you, JUST DO IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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adriana


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all of you are an inspiration to me-I haven't always kept it in my mind, but I am ready to work towards what you have!

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Tahir


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((((((((((BigV))))))))))


I was also sitting at this restuarant with my wife having food when I saw a couple at the next table sipping beer and gazing into each other's eyes completely stoned... Was so attractive and fascinating to watch it... and I almost wished that we could also do it... OMG, this cunning disease that we have waits so patiently and manifests so subtly within seconds given the first opportunity...


Thanks for sharing that experience with us and glad that you made it clean. HP at work, no doubt... It works, you are the proof, my friend...



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"If we do an honest examination of exactly what we are giving, we are better able to evaluate the results we are getting." Chapter 10 - Emotional Pain - NA Way of Life.
BigV


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Well Friday it hit me again just before I was leaving to go fishing and I had a choice, go get loaded , forget the fishing trip, cancel out once again or go do something fullfilling I chose the fishing trip over the drugs.

Not sureof all of whats going on inside, something very unsettling is lurking about in me LOL that little demon wants out of his cage to wreak havoc but I have other outlets now and I recognize some of whats going on inside and I just have to face that and learn to live with a little discomfort now and then. I could certainly make things only worse I use that much i'm sure of.


Theres definetly sex appeal to using , for me it was the crack very sexual drug for me personally all freaky stuff LOL and I loved it but hey, its also can be VERY good sober

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Tahir


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BigV wrote:

but hey, its also can be VERY good sober


HERE HERE...


 



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"If we do an honest examination of exactly what we are giving, we are better able to evaluate the results we are getting." Chapter 10 - Emotional Pain - NA Way of Life.
MERCEDES


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glad you didnt use,everything looks gravy when we look at it,when i think about using my mind dosent automatically think dont do it you know what will happen if you use, no,i think well maybe,maybe is what gets me everytime,ive tried evrything on maybe with using and the end result is the same i end up loosing always!!!!!!!!! see the disease is so cunning it wants you to see the guy selling drugs or the people coming out of the bar laughing and having a good time for me yeah it may start out that way but it ends up me loosing evry single time in some form or another so thats what i think about first i will loose i always do if i use.

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BigV


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I have 90 days clean today, only because I did'nt use the other day i'm so happy I could cry right now, thanks to all of you and this program and God........

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