Hello once again everone. I know some remember Stryker and myself. Well, let me be another one to tell you that giving in to your addiction may feel good while your doing it, but once the high is gone and the next day comes you see how much of a mess you have made, and you were almost alright, atleast this is how I feel.
I left sometime last week to pick up stryker cause we couldnt handle the addiction or withdrawl of being without heroin. So we decided to go out and drink or troubles away, after all we were never really alcoholics so how much harm could this possibly cause? A WHOLE LOT< A WHOLE LOT OF TROUBLE. Usually stryker is against going out and doing this, and he was the one that got me going to this forum even though at first I thought it was complete bologna. But man, after Big V said what he said, stryker took it the wrong way and just gave up completely on this site and on the whole 12 steps all together.
After I picked up stryker we went to the local bar for about 3 hours and just drank beers and a couple shots here and there. I mean everything was fine.....until he got the call. Then the next bar we went to he just wouldnt stop bugging me to get one last fix. He would say, " Come on, it will be like the good ol' times." After about the 500th time of hearing this I finally gave in. Man, i tell you it may have almost been better than the first time but not quite.
Stryker was laying in a parking space in the middle of the parking lot of the bar. Allmost got ran over twice i heard from another friend. Somehow we make it strykers house since it was closest and stayed there. He did another fix and this is when i starte dto get angry and start yetlling. I was like WTF man, i thought you only said one last one, not 2 or more. He sas relax bro i got you some, so at this point i was like F it. I was drunk and still hovering. Stryker is now walking around with the needle hanging out of his arm, he just got me the kind you sniff luckily.
The next thing i know i wake up in a dark room, which was his basement. No recolection of how i got there or why i was there. I was locked down there for about 1 1/2 days. Even in the rain, when the basement floods a little i had to stay there becuse stryker must have locked me in when i was high, then did another fix and passed out for god knows how long. The only other think i know was that i was walking bold legged, kinda like a cow boy about to draw his guns. It also hurt really bad when I used the bathroom. I guess i fell down the stairs when i was placed in the basement.
I had to find a window break out of it in my underwear only and knock on a neighbors house. This is when it hit me i was hitting rock bottom. An old lady answers the door and asks am i allright and makes sure everything is ok. I tell her i got locked in the basement and i dont know where my friends is. So i go back to my friends house after calling the police and there are about 30 people passed out all over the place and some even in sexual positions. I was so embarrassed that when the police came i just ran in the woods in the backyard.
SInce then stryker i hear is back in his old habbits. Hopefully he comes too before it is to late. Anyways i just want to say that, i at first thought this site was nonsense but im gonna use it to open up, and i think im gonna start going to meetings. Im just embarassed to tell this story in person, for everything might think there is something wrong with me. THank You and God BLess.
We admitted we we powerless over our addiction, that our lives had become unmanageable
It doesn't matter what or how much we used. In Narcotics Anonymous staying clean has to come first. We realize that we cannot use drugs and live. When we admit our powerlessness and the inability to manage our own lives, we open the door to recovery. No one could convince us that we were addicts. It is an admission that we had to make for ourselves. When some of us have doubts, we ask ourselves this question: "Can I control my use of any form of mind or mood-altering chemicals?"
Most will see that control is impossible the moment it is suggested. Whatever the outcome, we find that we cannot control our using for any length of time.
This would clearly suggest that an addict has no control over drugs. Powerlessness means using against our will. If we can't stop, how can we tell ourselves we are in control? The inability to stop using, even with the greatest willpower and the most sincere desire, is what we mean when we say, "We have absolutely no choice". However, we do have a choice after we eliminate all the things we have been telling ourselves to justify our using.
We didn't stumble into this fellowship brimming with love, honesty, open-mindedness or willingness. We reached the point where we could no longer continue because of physical, mental, and spiritual pain. When we were beaten, we became willing.
Our inability to control our usage of drugs is a symptom of the disease of addiction. We are powerless not only over drugs, but our addiction as well. We need to admit this in order to recover. Addiction is a physical, mental and spiritual disease, affecting every area of our lives.
The physical aspect of our disease is the compulsive use of drugs: the inability to stop using once we have started. The mental aspect of our disease is the obsession, or overpowering desire, which leads us to using even when it has destroyed our lives. The spiritual part of our disease is our total self-centeredness. We felt that we could stop whenever we wanted to, despite all evidence to the contrary. Denial, substitution, rationalization, justification, distrust of others, guilt, embarrassment, dereliction, degradation, isolation, and loss of control are all results of our disease. Our disease is progressive, incurable and fatal. Most of us are relieved to find out we have a disease instead of a moral deficiency.
We are not responsible for our disease, but we are responsible for our recovery. Most of us tried to stop using on our own, but we were unable to live with or without drugs. Eventually we realized that we were powerless over our addiction.
Many of us tried to stop using on sheer willpower, and this turned out to be a temporary solution. We saw that willpower alone would not work for any length of time. We tried countless other remedies - psychiatrists, hospitals, recovery houses, lovers, new towns, new jobs. Everything we tried, failed. We began to see that we had rationalized the most outrageous sort of nonsense in order to justify the mess drugs had made of our lives.
Until we let go of all our reservations, the foundation on which our recovery is based is in danger. Reservations, no matter what they are, rob us of obtaining all the benefits this program has to offer. In ridding ourselves of all reservations, we surrender. Then, and only then, can we be helped to recover from the disease of addiction.
Now, the question is: "If we are powerless, how can Narcotics Anonymous help?" We begin by asking for help, and this is accomplished by working the Twelve Steps. The foundation is the admission that we, of ourselves, have no power over addiction. When we can accept this, we have completed the first part of Step One.
A second admission must be made before the foundation is complete. If we stop here, we will know only half the truth. We are great ones for manipulating the truth. We might say on one hand, "Yes, I am powerless over my addiction", and on the other hand, "When I get my life together, I can handle drugs". Such thoughts and actions led us back to active addiction. It never occurred to us to ask, "If we can't control our addiction, how can we control our lives?" We felt miserable without drugs.
Unemployability, dereliction and destruction are easily seen as characteristics of an unmanageable life. Our families generally are disappointed, baffled and confused by our actions and often have deserted or disowned us. Becoming employed, socially acceptable and reunited with our families does not make our lives manageable. Social acceptability does not equal recovery.
We have found that we had no choice except to completely change our old ways of thinking or go back to using. When we give our best, it works for us as it has worked for others. When we could no longer stand our old ways, we began to change. From that point forward, we can see that every clean day is a successful day, no matter what happens. Surrender means not having to fight anymore. We accept our addiction and life the way it is. We become willing to do whatever is necessary to stay clean, even the things we don't like doing.
Until we took Step One, we were full of fear and doubt. At this point, many of us felt lost and confused. We felt different. Upon working this step, we affirmed our surrender to the principles of Narcotics Anonymous, and only then did we begin to overcome the alienation of addiction. Help for addicts begins only when we are able to admit complete defeat. This can be frightening, but it is the foundation on which we have built our lives.
Step One means that we do not have to use, and this is a great freedom. It took a while for some of us to realize how unmanageable our lives had become; for others of us, this was the only thing of which we could be sure. We knew in our hearts that drugs had the power to change us into something that we didn't want to be.
Being clean and working this step, we are released from our chains. However, none of the steps work by magic. We do not just say the words of this step; we learn to live them. We see for ourselves that the Program has something to offer us.
We have found hope. We find that we can learn to function in the world we live in. We, too, can find meaning and purpose in life and be rescued from insanity, depravity and death.
When we admit our powerlessness and inability to manage our own lives, we open the door for a Power greater than ourselves to help us. It is not where we were that counts, but where we are going.
Welcome back. Give yourself a break and try this new way of life. If you still don't like it, we will refund your misery...
My own painful experiences were what brought me down humbling to my knees. I am glad that you are feeling the same way about it... This feeling where the pain of using (including alcohol) seems more dreadful than the pain of not using is what set me free at last...
And if you keep coming back, I'm sure you are not very far away from freedom too, my friend...
Thanks for the honest share,
Hugs, Love, Light ~ Tahir.
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"If we do an honest examination of exactly what we are giving, we are better able to evaluate the results we are getting."Chapter 10 - Emotional Pain - NA Way of Life.
hey i understand if no one else does,when i use i can get myself in all kinds situations and thats what happened to you.dont be embarrased let me tell you some of the stories i have heard in na someone will identify maybe not right away be we can all identify getting into situations because of out drug use some we barely made it out of alive i speak for myself.see thats what im talking about,when i relapse it dosent seem so bad at first maybe evn fun while its happening then it all ends up the same thats why im back and im glad your back eventually your friend will be back to god willing its impossible for me to use and live life on lifes terms .go easy on yourself your safe now relapse can and does happen. in the end of my relapse i used a drug i didnt have a rpoblem with an eventually i led me back to my drug of choice because we always want our drug of choice if we are gonna use.yes alcohol is a drug legal or not its still a drug but you already knew that.
Hi Jay, good to see you back here at MIP. How have you been lately? Keep coming back.
Hugs and Love ~ Tahir.
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"If we do an honest examination of exactly what we are giving, we are better able to evaluate the results we are getting."Chapter 10 - Emotional Pain - NA Way of Life.
