That voice spoke to me also last evening it just popped in out of the blue, of course I was VERY angry at the time and knew that was what set it off so I just calmed down and it drifted away.

If you keep bouncing back and fourth your going to get confused, you need to sit tight on this side adriana for awhile and let things settle down for a bit quit flip floppin girlfriend

IF you keep going on using the results will get worse, illness , insanity and maybe even death hon, stay clean get sober and life will be ALOT better I had NOTHING 6 years ago now I have so much more not all my marbles are back but I have some of them now LOL.

Ok i'll be back in a bit probably be late for the meeting here but i'll be back.

Yesterday, the organisation that I work for approved my application for a financial appraisal and increased my pay with effect from this month. And when I got this increment, and was counting the money... for a moment, I thought "Now, I earn enough money in a month... to cover all my needs, to take care of my commitments to my family, and I would still be left with a few savings..." Before I could get a grip of myself, my mind manifested my thoughts a bit more and for a moment, I heard my thinking go "Why, I can even use now through out the month with this income... and have a great life..."

What a deception? And out of nowhere, after almost a 1000 days of staying clean?!! But it doesn't take me long to break out of that insane thought pattern in a few seconds now, with the help of the steps... and realize that within no time, there would neither be a job or a good pay if I take that first drug...

But still, I cannot escape those thoughts for the rest of my life... I'm an addict and would be one till the end... When I accept this fact, I can live with these crazy thoughts without having to fight them or submitting to them... I have a Higher Power and the Steps to live free from the clutches and traps and deceptions of my addiction today... And for that, I'm grateful... I wouldn't want to give up on the program no way... I would rather stay Higher Powered than be powerless and unmanageable as a result of listening to the sick rambles of my mind...

-- Edited by Tahir at 10:14, 2006-09-21

BULL'S EYE!!!!!

Congratulations on your promotion also Tahir

Hi Adriana,

That voice you heard was one sneaky fella that really gets around!  You  aren't the first and wont' be the last to hear it.  I would venture to say the vast majority of us have that thought at some point.  Over the years, I've seen many people fall victim to that voice.  From the ones who picked up one time and kept it secret, results I've seen are people whose conscience bothers them sooooo badly that they eventually fess up or relapse again. 

Then there are the ones who decide to use continuously and keep it a secret.  Lost one of my best friends that way.  Every time I suspected he was using, he denied it, continued attending meetings and doing service, lost everything he had, and finally admitted it months down the road.  Every time he did that he hurt a lot of us who believed in him, or wanted to.  This last time, he was using for 10 months, all the time denying it, attending meetings and doing service in NA.  I found the dope right there in his house and saw him high as a kite. I had told him previously that I cannot be in his home when he's using. He disrespected me again by inviting my son and me while he was using.  My little boy and I both were there when I saw him high and found the dope.  He went and told people that I snuck into his home and searched, which was not at all the case.  Damaged my reputation by saying I was lying about it.   Over time, I watched him grow physically ill, but people continued to give him the benefit of a doubt.  He got elected as treasurer of our homegroup back in the spring. They decided to believe him over me.  He put me in a bad position, since my name was on the checking account and I had to make a decision to void a blank check that fell into his hands. I caught a hundred kinds of hell for that.  I took my name off the account and resigned my position because I was afraid that I would get held accountable by the bank if he wrote himself a check.  Within a month he had stolen nearly $300 of 7th tradition money straight from the envelopes.  Of course I never got a thank you for possibly saving the group $1337 that he could have taken with that blank check.  He finally got caught by his mother with a needle in his arm and off to rehab he went just about a month after that.  i care about the guy, but I cannot be friends with him anymore.  It's been 2 years of this relapsing BS and I can't keep putting myself in the line of fire.  I have no reason to believe things will be any different now.  So, keep in mind, that guy is not just one case.  It happens all the time that people fake being clean or keep relapse a secret.  There is NEVER real freedom with a secret.  It will haunt you till you fess up.  It's not worth it.  Just the fact that you're already asking the question tells me you have a strong conscience that would eat you alive.  It's absolutely normal to have those thoughts about using secretly, so I definitely feel ya.  Just keep reminding yourself that picking up even one time would just set you back at square one and you would be miserable trying to keep the secret.   Love ya girl.

-- Edited by daydream at 14:13, 2006-09-21

Brings to mind the lines for the Basic Text !!!

'YOU CANNOT CHANGE THE NATURE OF ADDICTION OR OF THE ADDICT !!!

WE CAN CHANGE THE OLD LIE ONCE AN ADDICT ALWAYS AN ADDICT BY STRIVING TO MAKE RECOVERY MORE POSSIBLE !!!!"""

We do recover !!!

In my third year me and ma got together on running her nursery school,,we made some real money and i was successful the first time in my life with money !!!

However i was one of those that did not think i coulkd go out and use ,,, but i distinctly remember thinking

"I wish id had this @#%^&&&*money in my using,,, at least id have been dignified and begging like i was """

What if, if only etc are signs of self pity,,,, a feeling that will drain me of all positive energy !!!

So the answer to that was that I was greatful that at least in recovery i was being dignified and self supporting !!!

As ive seen these many years in the recovery Program,,, those using thoughts,, those feelings of frustration and disappointment ,, etc have not really led to using thoughts !!!!

After crises ((( like bad mariage,being denied NA office that i was honestly elected to,death of my father,, losing in many finals of billiards after coming close,,,then the divorce))) i used to marvel how God and NA have changed me to the extent that I never thought of using at that bad time !!!

I believe that those early years of being with a tuff but very recovery supportive sponsor as well as the generat feeling of Goodness kept me from those old ideas !!!

I believe tghe most effective tool in letting go the old ideas is writing !!!

write,write,write is a great slogan(one which ive coined,,, he he !!!)

And like it says in the TEXT

writing will unlock parts of our subconcious that remain hidded when we talk or think about it !!

I really hope each and every one of us is never,jsut for today going to forget that we dont ever have to use again,,, no matter what,, just for today !!!

WRITE, WRITE, WRITE is exactly the slogan that I need to apply in my life lately... thanks for reminding me...

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{ADRIANA}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}



Stick widit girl!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!