I've been picking up the court ordered woman and taking them to the meetings. Last night when I got to their house, one of them handed me 3 pain pills, I know I should have refused, but I took them all right there. well, I don't have much else to say, just that I can feel my resolve slipping away...
Before coming to the Fellowship of N.A., we could not manage our own lives. We could not live and enjoy life as other people do. We had to have something different and we thought we had found it in drugs. We placed their use ahead of the welfare of our families, our wives, husbands, and our children. We had to have drugs at all costs. We did many people great harm, but most of all we harmed ourselves. Through our inability to accept personal responsibilities we were actually creating our own problem. We seemed to be incapable of facing life on its own terms.
Most of us realized that in our addiction we were slowly committing suicide, but addiction is such a cunning enemy of life that we had lost the power to do anything about it. Most of us ended up in jail, or sought help through medicine, religion and psychiatry. None of these methods was sufficient for us. Our disease always resurfaced or continued to progress until in desperation, we sought help from each other in Narcotics Anonymous.
After coming to N.A. we realized we were sick people. We suffered from a disease from which there is no known cure. It can, however, be arrested at some point, and recovery is then possible.
I put that last part in bold because hopefully you will get to that SOME POINT soon Adriana, before you kill yourself.
Sometimes I question my resolve it puts me on alert. I too have reservations at times then at other times I love what I have and wouldn't change it back for anything. I think about where my life would be today if I were using, I wouldn't be going to a job in my truck after taking a nice warm shower in my apartment, all that would be gone.
What we have is a daily reprieve, " One day at a Time" keep that in mind .
We Love You no matter what and are concerned but you have to do the footwork and care enough to help yourself.
We admitted we we powerless over our addiction, that our lives had become unmanageable
It doesn't matter what or how much we used. In Narcotics Anonymous staying clean has to come first. We realize that we cannot use drugs and live. When we admit our powerlessness and the inability to manage our own lives, we open the door to recovery. No one could convince us that we were addicts. It is an admission that we had to make for ourselves. When some of us have doubts, we ask ourselves this question: "Can I control my use of any form of mind or mood-altering chemicals?"
Most will see that control is impossible the moment it is suggested. Whatever the outcome, we find that we cannot control our using for any length of time.
This would clearly suggest that an addict has no control over drugs. Powerlessness means using against our will. If we can't stop, how can we tell ourselves we are in control? The inability to stop using, even with the greatest willpower and the most sincere desire, is what we mean when we say, "We have absolutely no choice". However, we do have a choice after we eliminate all the things we have been telling ourselves to justify our using.
We didn't stumble into this fellowship brimming with love, honesty, open-mindedness or willingness. We reached the point where we could no longer continue because of physical, mental, and spiritual pain. When we were beaten, we became willing.
Our inability to control our usage of drugs is a symptom of the disease of addiction. We are powerless not only over drugs, but our addiction as well. We need to admit this in order to recover. Addiction is a physical, mental and spiritual disease, affecting every area of our lives.
The physical aspect of our disease is the compulsive use of drugs: the inability to stop using once we have started. The mental aspect of our disease is the obsession, or overpowering desire, which leads us to using even when it has destroyed our lives. The spiritual part of our disease is our total self-centeredness. We felt that we could stop whenever we wanted to, despite all evidence to the contrary. Denial, substitution, rationalization, justification, distrust of others, guilt, embarrassment, dereliction, degradation, isolation, and loss of control are all results of our disease. Our disease is progressive, incurable and fatal. Most of us are relieved to find out we have a disease instead of a moral deficiency.
We are not responsible for our disease, but we are responsible for our recovery. Most of us tried to stop using on our own, but we were unable to live with or without drugs. Eventually we realized that we were powerless over our addiction.
Many of us tried to stop using on sheer willpower, and this turned out to be a temporary solution. We saw that willpower alone would not work for any length of time. We tried countless other remedies - psychiatrists, hospitals, recovery houses, lovers, new towns, new jobs. Everything we tried, failed. We began to see that we had rationalized the most outrageous sort of nonsense in order to justify the mess drugs had made of our lives.
Until we let go of all our reservations, the foundation on which our recovery is based is in danger. Reservations, no matter what they are, rob us of obtaining all the benefits this program has to offer. In ridding ourselves of all reservations, we surrender. Then, and only then, can we be helped to recover from the disease of addiction.
Now, the question is: "If we are powerless, how can Narcotics Anonymous help?" We begin by asking for help, and this is accomplished by working the Twelve Steps. The foundation is the admission that we, of ourselves, have no power over addiction. When we can accept this, we have completed the first part of Step One.
A second admission must be made before the foundation is complete. If we stop here, we will know only half the truth. We are great ones for manipulating the truth. We might say on one hand, "Yes, I am powerless over my addiction", and on the other hand, "When I get my life together, I can handle drugs". Such thoughts and actions led us back to active addiction. It never occurred to us to ask, "If we can't control our addiction, how can we control our lives?" We felt miserable without drugs.
Unemployability, dereliction and destruction are easily seen as characteristics of an unmanageable life. Our families generally are disappointed, baffled and confused by our actions and often have deserted or disowned us. Becoming employed, socially acceptable and reunited with our families does not make our lives manageable. Social acceptability does not equal recovery.
We have found that we had no choice except to completely change our old ways of thinking or go back to using. When we give our best, it works for us as it has worked for others. When we could no longer stand our old ways, we began to change. From that point forward, we can see that every clean day is a successful day, no matter what happens. Surrender means not having to fight anymore. We accept our addiction and life the way it is. We become willing to do whatever is necessary to stay clean, even the things we don't like doing.
Until we took Step One, we were full of fear and doubt. At this point, many of us felt lost and confused. We felt different. Upon working this step, we affirmed our surrender to the principles of Narcotics Anonymous, and only then did we begin to overcome the alienation of addiction. Help for addicts begins only when we are able to admit complete defeat. This can be frightening, but it is the foundation on which we have built our lives.
Step One means that we do not have to use, and this is a great freedom. It took a while for some of us to realize how unmanageable our lives had become; for others of us, this was the only thing of which we could be sure. We knew in our hearts that drugs had the power to change us into something that we didn't want to be.
Being clean and working this step, we are released from our chains. However, none of the steps work by magic. We do not just say the words of this step; we learn to live them. We see for ourselves that the Program has something to offer us.
We have found hope. We find that we can learn to function in the world we live in. We, too, can find meaning and purpose in life and be rescued from insanity, depravity and death.
When we admit our powerlessness and inability to manage our own lives, we open the door for a Power greater than ourselves to help us. It is not where we were that counts, but where we are going.
ok, it was easier to use without thinking before I went to NA. I was all excited this morning, at the possibility of finding some more pills today. I wasn't going to think about this board or anyone else, yet I find myself coming back. I KNOW, I know it wasn't fun in the end, I know I will not be able to finish school, be a good mom, be a good PERSON if I don't quit, but (and there should be no but, I know that) using has become a part of who I am, it's become who I am.....but if I was happy with who that person is I wouldn't have shown up at that first meeting, wouldn't have come to this board. I've read the book, I believe I'm an addict, I know I am powerless, and that's as far as I've gotten.Someone told me it's worse to be on the fence, with one foot in NA and the other still thinking they can use(those weren't their exact words)better to be on one side or the other. yet something is holding me back from staying in the using side. I don't know, am I even making sense? I feel I'm in a worse place now then I was last week.....
I still love all the drugs that I used... BUT I HATE WHAT THEY DO TO ME...
Also, it's not those pills, that fix or drag, or that shot that is my immediate problem. They don't walk to me, and get into my body forcefully. I'm the problem. The disease of addiction that is inside me, in my body and in my MIND is what takes me lookin' for these otherwise powerless drugs to get power and hold on me... once I go out, find them, and take them...
Once I start addressing the root of the problem called "Tahir" instead of imagining the problem to be drugs or alcohol or pills or my mom or even God and unfair life, I don't have to listen to my sick head anymore... Just because my head tells me to go and use, I don't have to do that... I can instead be at a meeting or call someone and share with them... pray to my Higher Power to give me the strength to stay clean, not to submit to my obsession, allow this HP to help me by putting myself in an atmosphere of recovery, in the middle of recovering people, not associate with using people or visit using places...
Adriana, I admire your resolve to still not give up... You are able to identify and relate with that part of you which wants you well, your conscience, the place called hope within you... and that is where our Higher Power resides... Listen to your heart... follow the directions... Stay with us, keep sharing... don't give up, no matter what... It's ok that there are setbacks and mistakes along the path... without them, we can't do... A relapse is not a failure... It's a message of our Higher Power to us, reminding us where we can still grow more, what more we can do to prevent it the next time... from our weakness comes our strength... One thing I do when I get using thoughts, and sometimes, a strong obsession to act out on something insane, is to step out of myself and observe what's happening inside Tahir, from a neutral perspective, and gently guiding myself back to hope and sanity... When I step out of myself and see how my addiction is manifesting my thought pattern, I'm able to not act out, and allow these thoughts to come and go, without having to fight them... and still continue on the path or recoery by trying to stay clean... And mostly after a couple of hours of doing so, or even after a few days, I feel so grateful that I did not use, that I'm still clean, and all those situations and reasons I gave myself to use in those delicate moments of craving seem to be so untrue and imaginary when I look back after awhile... I could see clearly how deceptive and cunning my Addiction is... I become more aware... better equipped to deal with my cravings next time...
Hang on, be strong, and keep trying this new way of life... until you find Light... and I'm sure you will... Amen...
Hugs, Love, Light ~ Tahir.
__________________
"If we do an honest examination of exactly what we are giving, we are better able to evaluate the results we are getting."Chapter 10 - Emotional Pain - NA Way of Life.
The disease is cunning baffling and powerful BUT if you want it bad enough and are sick and tired of being led around by something other then yourself, if your tired of failure and losing everything in life (which you haven't yet) then you try other means other ways of getting and staying sober.
Sometimes rock bottom is a good place to stand upon, but sometimes getting there is pure hell and sometimes you get dirt thrown in your face and theres no getting back up, then you lose along with everyone else in your life.
It's time to start thinking about being less selfish Adriana, it's not all about you just like it's not all about me we have loved ones who need us and care and love us and we should be taking care of ourselves for them to enjoy and have and to hold. Your child needs a mother what kind of mother are you loaded all the time.
Yeah maybe guilty conscounce can lead us out of this madness somehow I don't know, when I step out of my body like tahir mentioned I see others around me crying, others are hurt by ME and my actions, thats all I could think about when I relapsed this last time how if I kept going how badly it was going to hurt others, not just myself.
thanks guys...V, I know I've been selfish. I think, I hope, I just had my last using experience. Maybe I can say that now with such certainty 'cause I am not clean at the moment, but I just spent my last 15 bucks (well, 5 left), at a place that I don't want to go to again. I have NEVER had the experience I just had. Even with the drugs in my system, my conscience would not let me forget that this is a place I don't want to be, with people I don't want to be surrounded by. It wasn't fun, all I could think about was how I just want to go home, how my son will be home in a bit, about everyone here and at the meetings, and there was so much guilt. new experience for me, to feel that way as I am (or after)taking something. I pray that was the last time, and I WILL be praying every day from now on. I do not want to go where those people are(not just physically but mentally, what kind of life, sitting around all day, drinking and taking pill after pill, and one guy had his 18 year old daughter and his son there, giving them pills too) So please don't give up on me, I don't want this anymore
We love you and we need you. Please don't give up on us.
As for me, I never give up on anybody in NA. I have witnessed enough miracles in NA including myself to know for a fact that the most difficult of addicts who never seem to make it to recovery and staying stopped, turn out to be the greatest miracle stories in NA. The ways of the Higher Power are beyond our comprehension, and who am I to judge or give up on someone... If that had been done to me, I would have never made it too...
There are always a few loving members in NA who would never give up on a newcomer... no matter what... and I'm grateful that I'm one of them... You are at the right place at the right time, Adriana... We are all "Miracles In Progress"...
__________________
"If we do an honest examination of exactly what we are giving, we are better able to evaluate the results we are getting."Chapter 10 - Emotional Pain - NA Way of Life.
"If we do an honest examination of exactly what we are giving, we are better able to evaluate the results we are getting."Chapter 10 - Emotional Pain - NA Way of Life.
Do not put yourself in places of temptation , like picking up those girls need to stop that.
I was as hopeless as it gets my family expected me dead long ago but today I turned 45 and I more then anyone can hardly believe I have lasted this long I never expected to live past 35, honestly.
I still do this when the urge come to sit on my shoulder Adriana, I pray, " In the name of Jesus I rebuke satan from taking my life from me", I say that the Serenity prayer and the Lords prayer and usually by then it pass's. I have prayed for hours on end before .
Is there something going on inside of you that really bothers you alot that you need to discuss?(but haven't) what is it that the drugs fill is there and emptyness inside of you ? is it anxiety over feelings? emotions?
Just a few questions that I thought of that go on inside of me at times I have alot going on sometimes in my head LOL I think I might even be bi polar and have started to get very in touch with myself when i'm feeling erratic inside and I just calm myself down.
I felt alot of guilt relapsing especially with the time I had but the way I looked at it was , I had to get something Positive from it but I also had to STOP and not continue on or I would definetly not grow from it or ever get over what happened and things would spiral downward, think about that.
We love you girl we want you here and sober, it's a struggle it's not easy we know that. Big ol baddass Vini lives in fear all the time LOL paranoid as hell somethings going to jump out of the bushs at me, keep waiting for the whole thing to just explode but I try to stay positive and hopefull but as Long as I'm using there is NO HOPE AT ALL FOR ME at least if your clean and trying there is hope theres no hope on dope.........
V-i've always had alot of anxiety and depression, even when I was in grade school....I've just always felt that I FEEL things more than other people (something I've heard alot of people say since I've started going to meetings) I am moody (was told I was bipolar at one time, but their meds screwed me up even more)
I am getting ready to go to a meeting, love you guys
and hope you all have a good evening
p.s. I hate to be mean and tell them i can't pick them up anymore, it isn't that they force me, it's just that I can not trust myself around it, not yet if ever
I had to tell my fishing partener to stop smoking pot in my face, so he told me if I stopped whining about my ex girlfriend he would'nt need to smoke pot :LOL so we agreed on both ends.
You have a good meeting and just give this a chance to take hold, take all the suggestions and quit doing your own thinking for awhile:wink
yesterday when I prayed in the morning, I said I wasn't going to ask for help staying clean that day cause I knew what I was going to do, and I didn't want to be a hypocrite. would that be what you mean by quit doing my own thinking for awhile?! It was stupid I know, all it did was introduce me to something new to crave, but I'll say my prayers right this morning.
I guess it would be easier in a way to just tell my mom what's going on, she'll wonder why I can't pick up this girl anymore (mom thinks I'm going to meetings for school). Mom's friends with her mother, and thinks I'm just trying to help her out. I was hanging around her cause i know she can get whatever she wants anytime.
Maybe you can pray asking your Higher Power to give you the desire and willingness to pray to Him asking to keep you clean Just For Today...
__________________
"If we do an honest examination of exactly what we are giving, we are better able to evaluate the results we are getting."Chapter 10 - Emotional Pain - NA Way of Life.
LOL so we agreed on both ends.
