I really don't know what brought me back here.... AGAIN....but here I am. I was reading over some of the posts here, and felt the need to share some victories, and setbacks.
In browsing some of the posts, the first thing I noticed is how much I can actually RELATE to most of what I read. That being said, just a bit of history. I never used needles for fear of becoming an addict...... Obiviously, I'm still here, so that didn't matter much, except it probably kept me alive long enough to GET here. I can't sleep (again) and it is about 4 in the AM. I am out of smokes, and really pissed about that.
Anyway, I have been around AA and NA for three years, and haven't found the need to pick up again. That does not mean that I am all better and don't suffer from that damn disease (if you don't like the term disease think of it as not at ease, or DIS-EASE) and that it doesn't pop up and kick my ass all over again. Last time I was on, about a month ago, I was sent here by a friend that wanted me to read a topic. I was suicidal, and so screwed up over a girl that I would have rather been dead than continued on living.
The point is, I didn't find the need to use. And recently, I picked up my dusty old basic test and read just the first 8 pages. One line in particular popped out and slapped me in the old noggin. It said JUST FOR TODAY, I NEVER HAVE TO USE AGAIN.
I went to jail after being clean for 6 months. My father died 4 days after I got my one year chip. I went to a mental ward two months later. I have had to learn to make conversation(politely even) and not be so crude (god that is still a pain in my ass, but i try). I had to not be so damn isolated. In the first two years, I quit and went back to the same job 4 times. I had to stay in a halfway house for 18 months. ETC ETC ETC.....
But I haven't USED. Relapse is NOT an option. Neither is "cheating" or "rationalizing" or "justifying" any type of excuse to go and use. This is my hope, and my experience to date.
That being said, I just discovered I fell into the old behaviors that got me here in the first place. Telling a lie, then backing it up with another, until I got lost in the story. Now i am going to lose my appartment, probably my job, and have to start all over again from the beginning. The point is, even though I didn't use the behaviors that caused me to are STILL THERE. So I spent 3 years trying to rebuild, then brought it all crashing down with lies in less than a month.
Would I like to run and go somewhere else? Would I like to go get fucked up? Damn skippy I would.... but I will not. If I think it is bad now, just let me go get high on top of it, and see where I end up. At least I do have some clarity about it.
Bottom line to all this is, I don't like where I am today, I don't like the cost I am going to pay for a short disease lapse, but it really doesn't matter what I think or feel right now, because I am stuck with what it is and how it is, and I have to depend on outside sources to get me by. I can't do it alone.
Peace out y'all,
Brett
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Faith: the substance of things hoped for, the belief in things unseen
Brett, thanks for that honest share. Welcome back. Glad we have you here.
Prayers and (((((Brett)))))
Tahir from India.
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"If we do an honest examination of exactly what we are giving, we are better able to evaluate the results we are getting."Chapter 10 - Emotional Pain - NA Way of Life.
It's why the board is here Brett and welcome back.
Sounds like you've had and interesting recovery so far and not an easy one, yet you've stuck to the basic principle STAYING SOBER NOT MATTER WHAT.
I applaud you man, if you look back i'm sure you can see where things have gotten better. You may have taken a fall in the honesty category and you have have to pay a debt for that decision, i'm sure after you get thru that it won't happen again.
We all pay a price, its our cross we bare, you have come a long long ways, it's been a long road with what you carry but you also carry a good message for others, thankyou for sharing.
